Touching From a Distance

According to Gary Chapman’s best-selling book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, each of us naturally shows affection in one (or two) of five main ways – quality time, physical touch, receiving gifts, words of affirmation, and acts of service. Feeling fairly confident that I knew how it was going to turn out, I decided to take the 5 Love Languages quiz to find out what my personal love language is.

In this quiz, there are 30 either/or questions, asking you to analyze which of the two choices is more valuable to you in a relationship. At the end, it breaks down your answers into the five love languages. The highest score possible is 12, and the highest score is your primary love language. It is not uncommon for a person to score high in two languages and that’s what happened to me. I went in fully expecting to learn (be affirmed) that my language is physical touch. And it was second. My primary love language is quality time.

As I read the descriptions of each, I easily applied them to my daily interactions. While touch is very important to me, it is not always something with which I am comfortable from everyone. In fact, some people’s touch triggers my anxious feelings worse than almost anything else. To the point that being in the same room is troubling because it might lead to brushing against them.

But quality time is different. I think the operative word is quality. While touch is not something I welcome from anyone and everyone, quality time is a two way street and not something I have to endure if unpleasant. If nothing else, I can grab my trusty phone and distance myself, emotionally, from the situation, if I can’t outright leave the room.

So how does all of this work out when 90% of my best relationships are “long distance?”

Honestly, not well.

I think, when the thing you need to feel loved and important is to be told that you are loved and important (words of affirmation) that is something that transcends distance. When you believe, like I do, that words are equal parts powerful and meaningless, and that it showing means more, that doesn’t transcend.

But there are ways to cope. If you are someone who gives and receives love through touch and find yourself in a long distance relationship (romantic or platonic), you are not doomed. And there are a few crucial things that can help you get through until the next time you are with the person(s) you love.

Video Chat

Seeing is not the same as feeling but seeing is infinitely better than not seeing at all. If you do find yourself separated from your loved ones by distance, get set up with a video chat service like Skype. With your smartphone, you can take your conversations anywhere but with a computer or tablet you can “touch” the person you are talking to as well. Just hold up your hand in front of the camera until it is the majority of the screen and have them put theirs over yours. Very similar to touching through a window. The actual physical energy is still missing but the action and emotion behind it is present.

Surrogate

Please don’t misunderstand me. I am not actively advocating for a sexual surrogate.* But if you are someone who needs physical touch to feel loved who also finds themselves in a long distance relationship, finding someone – a friend or relative – whose touch is comforting and who will give up an hour or two of their week to let you lay your head on their lap while watching a movie, it may be soothing during the times away from your partner.

Personal Items

Either something you have borrowed from your significant other or an object that they have given you can serve as a sensory object. There is a reason for the romantic movie trope of the girl wearing her boyfriend’s sweater because “it smells like him.” Scents are powerful triggers and being able to wear a sweater or snuggle in with a stuffed toy that smells like your absent partner can make you feel more connected. And if you are thinking of giving something to your partner, be sure it authentically smells like you. It’s one thing to spray it with your cologne but, instead, try sleeping with it for a couple nights before giving it to them. It will make a world of difference.

Shared Experiences

Sync your Netflix viewing with a show you both like, listen to the same music together, grab a table in the back of Starbucks or Olive Garden and set up a video chat date. Doing the kinds of things that you would do if you lived in the same place can also help you feel more connected.

These are just a few ideas to help you get through the distance when all you really want is to feel your loved one caress your cheek, brush your hair, or hold your hand. The key to any relationship, regardless of your residencies, is to find your own groove, figure out what works for you and what each of you needs in your situation.

* While I am not actively advocating for a sexual surrogate, I would not discredit the idea, either. It is an acceptable option, if done in the right way. It would have to be something with which all three parties – you, your romantic partner, and your surrogate – were 100% comfortable. Setting up a sexual surrogate in a long distance relationship where one partner is not completely on board can lead to resentment and distrust. Proceed with caution.