Torn to Feces

I had was to think this one through, long and hard. Do I share this with my friends or should I keep it to myself, in the yard? Well, some "finds" were not meant for the keeping, as you can see.

Psst, hey you there, yes you, lean in a bit closer, I've got a little scoop for you here, but first, please, promise me this, promise me you'll keep it to yourself, will you? Okay? Here goes. I'm telling you this only because we're family and I trust you, right? Right. But.

Don't tell a soul alright? It's that sensitive a slit in the dark night, you know. I've got to tell you because... you might be there wondering about me. I'm laid up in bed now, even while I'm writing this but with a fat smirk on my face, wow.

You know me, he who never did know anything to begin with, so no need to say it again. I don't know what exactly to do about this situation. Other than to ask someone who knows, perhaps. Or to sit still and... No, wipe that word off of your slate, it's not the best of options for the current state, the one that I'm in. Can’t be found sitting around on this thing, not until...

Hey, do you know anyone in your circle who is versed in the treatment and care of such an issue as this here is? Probably you could get a fast healing word out of her and pass it along to my health care - Sis.

You know, with those other happenings on the medical floor and all these days, one should not be too eager and quick to run onto the squares in those hallowed spheres, so one has got to think about homing it to the cure sometimes and this may be one of the chiefest of those sorts of "sometimes," I think. But what do I know? Nothing, certainly not enough to keep my trap sound and sounding good like, whenever sounding off one of those preferred sounds of his. The sound of silence, perhaps. But then again...

I'm lying around here on my side and in excruciating pain. This came about because I was torn to feces. Since I must say it clear, so that uncertainty may disappear. I tore the place where the sun never shines again. It was to have happened while I was trying to relieve my constipated self of the rain.

Yeah, laugh as much as you like mate, your day is coming or going, to be bright, just wait. Seriously though, no, I hope not. Not for my worst enemy, of which I don't even have that many, on the lot. Really.

Preparation H was suggested for my great and fast relief, so I guess I should go out and get prepared now to release some shots, fast. Or to strike a few birdies away from the ladies. Or just to put a hole or two on the golfing green over by you, out there where I sometimes go to shoot nine or so holes a day, with my buddy the colorectal surgeon. You know what I mean? Okay. Anyway, here's the takeaway.

Be very careful whenever you go to do the go things. Or you too might be left there nursing a crack too close to the hole where you sometimes go to rock and roll down at the watering hole for your own comfort and for your greatest good, and me being the type of friend, and you being who you are to me, I wouldn't want to have you leaning in to be sitting sideways on the stool while playing piano and hurting in the darkest corner on the lot tory pot, okay? Anyway, that's it for today, my friend. Keep it to yourself though, as said. This is just between you and me, alright? Nice.