Top 5 Relationship Absolutes

The Perfect Guide to a Healthy and Happy Relationship is written by No Author, from Anywhere in the world. Sadly. Wouldn’t that be nice to have a Table of Contents like that at your fingertips when needed? Not knowing the right thing to say, so you look it up! Or a whole chapter called "What Are Women Really Thinking?" Sadly these grand pages of wisdom don’t exist. Well, that’s not entirely true. There are plenty of books on relationships, the psychology and genetic makeup of the male and female brain, etc. But if you have ever read any of those books, as I have, you’ll quickly learn in your own relationship that everything is a hit or miss. Some things mentioned about women are true, some false. Same for men; some facts and behaviors are true, others false. Then how do you know what to follow? How do you navigate? How do you figure out how not to screw it up? Well, let’s not fool ourselves, you’re going to screw up a little - it’s inevitable.

As true as ‘No two snowflakes are alike’ the same is true for relationships; no two are the same. On the flip side of the coin, there are some constants - in snowflakes and relationships. Such as, when people say the only sure things in life are death and taxes (I add “laundry and dishes”. I don’t know how those got left out!) There are some things, I feel and have experienced, are “absolutes” and constants in relationships as a whole.

Relationships Take Work

I learned this absolute from my parents, and I was glad I did. Learning this on my own would have been shitty, to say the least. My folks never lead me to believe that fairy tales were real life, even though they themselves were living statistics. They had known each other since middle school and started dating in high school. They had me when they were seniors in high school and got married. That was what you did when you had a child as a teenager in the 80s. They went through a lot. My mom has told me that she and my father have done everything there was to do wrong to another person in a relationship. But they stuck it out and stayed together because that was what they wanted, to be together. And they were married; you know, the whole “death do us part” thing. They took it seriously, as more people should.

Relationships are hard. Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something. If you know a couple who says, “We never fight or disagree! It’s wonderful.” Lies. People in a happy and healthy relationship do not live in delusional bliss. There is nothing wrong with disagreeing with your partner. Believing differently about something or standing for something different is not a flaw in your relationship. Rather, this should help make you stronger as a couple. You should be uplifting one another, getting to know the other’s interests and supporting them. Mind you, I’m not talking about core values. Those need to be fundamentally secure in both your views. That can get messy if they are not. But the important thing is that you accept and respect each other's differences and through it, realize that everything is not going to be rainbows and flying kittens every day of the year.

It’s Not Always You. But Sometimes It Is

This one I had to learn on my own. It took many years for me to fully understand this and to be able to properly implement it. What I mean by, “It’s not always you” is that sometimes the other person in the relationship is the poisonous one or the one who needs to check themselves. Sometimes it really ISN’T you, and it IS them! The hard part is knowing when it’s you or them because we are our own worst critic. We are the first people to kick ourselves down, throw dirt in our faces, and tell ourselves that it’s all our fault.

I have been in six relationships, five and a half of them serious. Through all but one, I questioned myself. I questioned if I was good enough. Pretty enough. Nice enough. Caring enough. Talented enough. A good enough lover. A nice enough dresser. If my personality was wrong. Always questioning, questioning, questioning! It becomes tiring to feel like you are wrong. That the person you are, deep down, is wrong. It’s not. You’re not. You are who you are and you need to know what you are and are not willing to put up with, as well as what you are and are not willing to change and/or improve about yourself. Personally, I am a lot to handle. I know this about myself and there are some people that can’t handle me and we do not get along well, but this is who I am to my core. My strong personality is not something I am going to be able to change nor am I willing to change. So this is on the other person to learn how to handle me - with my help if needed - or go away. Again, that is NOT ON ME, it’s on them.

Now, let's flip the tables here for a moment. Sometimes it is you. Read the title, it’s not ALWAYS you, meaning that sometimes it is. No one person is perfect, and no one is a perfect version of themselves. As a people, we should all strive to be better in some way or another. By stopping and thinking this is as good as you’re going to get, you’re giving up and making the statement that you are the perfect version of yourself. I will tell you this, you aren’t. I’m not either! There are things I am always working on. Some days I work harder on them than others, but I am still working. That being said, maybe there is a reason the person in your relationship ended things with you. Do you have commitment issues? Do you put up a wall and push people away when things start to get good so you are sure not to get hurt? Are you an ass toward your partner in public because you feel it will help them to see things differently if other people see the shortcomings in them that you do? Do you shout more than you should? Do you have a temper? Are you simply an asshole without cause? Do you listen to your partner, or shut them out and push the blame on them? Sometimes these things are true and you need to be humble enough to look in the mirror and say, “Yes, this is true of me and I need to work on it.” No one is perfect, so don’t act like you are.

Guys and Girls are Different. Embrace and Understand It

Men and women are built differently. Not only physically, but mentally. We think differently, therefore we act differently and perceive things differently.

There is a man named Mark Gungor who talks about the difference between men’s brains and women’s brains. I’ll link the video below but to give you the gist, this is what he says. Men’s brains are made up of boxes. Each box has one thing assigned to it, just one. Not a whole category, one thing. One box for jokes, another for sex, another for sleep, and so on. None of these boxes touch each other. None of them interact with each other or share information. On the other hand, a woman’s brain is made up of millions of wires. These wires all connect to different things, sex is linked to love, which is liked to satisfaction and overall well-being. The family is linked to cooking which is linked to mom which is linked to disappointment. In having these two completely different construction models of brains, you get different actions and reactions to situations, people, and anything else you can think of!

Women like to think men know what they are thinking. We think because we say a certain thing in a certain way and make a specific body movement that they should know instantly what we are thinking about. This couldn’t be farther from the truth! He has no CLUE as to what you are thinking, which is why he’s staring at you blankly watching you get more pissed off because he doesn’t know what you’re thinking. I had a senior girl in one of my classes talking about how she was trying to get this guy to leave her alone. He kept asking her out and she wasn’t interested. I overheard her conversation and asked her if she told him she wasn’t interested. She began to tell me the ways she “hinted” at it. I said, “No, you’re not understanding me. Did you look him in the eye and say, ‘I am flattered, really, thank you. But I’m just not interested’ and walk away.” She admitted that she hadn’t but continued to argue that she gave all the “classic” signs that she wasn’t interested in. I asked her who told her these were “classic” signs. She told me her girlfriends. Now we were having this discussion openly in front of the class. I told her that guys, especially her age, don’t get hints.

I asked the boys in the class collectively, “Boys, do you understand or comprehend ANY of the ‘hints’ girls give you?” They all said no. I told her that by not telling the boy she was not interested directly, he saw it as her playing hard to get and that he was going to have to chase harder. I asked the boys if I was right. They were astonished to see that I was.

Men and women are not the same even though society is pushing the theory that we are. Science tells us we are not. It is a fact. We need to stop brushing aside facts and embrace them. Girl, you are strong, but you are not a man. Stop thinking you are one. And boy, you are strong, but you are not a girl. Stop trying to be one of us. You are each different and unique. Embrace it! You’re wonderful just the way you are.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rkZvLHiaHQc

Their Parents Aren’t Going Anywhere

This one I learned from my mom as well as on my own. My boyfriends always have crazy moms it seems. One pushed other girls at my boyfriend and tried to freeze me out of her house, legit! I was visiting and it was freezing temperatures at night. She insisted all she had was a sheet for me to sleep with. One told me that I wasn’t good enough for her son. She said that she didn’t understand how he was interested in me at all because I was not skinny and petite and didn’t ‘dress like a lady’. Oh, she also compared me to his ex-wife that she hated. The most recent one has been the hardest. Mainly because I made up my mind that he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I grew up Christian and she told me that her grandchildren weren't going to church. Mind you, kids aren’t anywhere near being in the picture - I actually don’t want them at all. She has insulted my profession to my face, saying how it’s not hard and that anyone could do it. I taught middle and high school Reading at the time and currently teach English to children in China through VipKid. She cleans houses for a living and has never taught a day in her life.

Sometimes parents suck. It’s a fact. But, if you want to be with this person, their parents are going to be involved. Now, if your partner is good to you and respects you, as they should, they will stick up for you in the areas of their parents. They will/should defend you. But don’t think or even hope that they pick you over their parents and kick them to the curb. Would you ever want to make the decision to choose your parents over a partner? That’s not a good place to be in, and it isn’t fair to your partner. They can’t control what their parents do and say. They can only be there for you, support you, and defend you when they can.

Now that you have the sinking realization that the parent you are having issues with isn’t zipping out of your life any time soon, it’s best to see what common ground you can come to. Sometimes there isn’t much to go off of, and you suffer more than anything. I had the issue with my most recent partner’s mom where nothing I did was right. If I did what she wanted me to do it was wrong and if I didn’t do it she was offended. I was damned if I did and damned if I didn’t. I had told her this multiple times before but nothing I said ever mattered because she was the only person ever right. I got to a point where I started avoiding her. I wouldn’t speak to her. If my boyfriend was on the phone with her I would go into another room. I did this for almost a year until she noticed and said something to my boyfriend about it. Things have since died down, however, we have lived in another state hundreds of miles away - with a climate she would never live in which means she would never move here - leading her to not rely on my boyfriend for everything in her life. I honestly feel the distance has made my relationship with her better as well as with my boyfriend.

My last point about parents. I know they aren’t going anywhere, and they can be a major pain in the ass. But put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Imagine how stressed they must be as well. Have sympathy for them and try to make the situation less stressful for them as well. Do you deserve respect, yes? Do you deserve to be treated like crap on a regular basis, no? Can you make attempts to avoid the person and let things roll off you like a duck and smile in their face to show that anything they say or do will not get to you? Sure! Then you can stick it to them later and walk over to your partner, lovingly hug them to have them lovingly hug you back to stick it to them even harder because their child loves you! That one is a little backhanded, but it’s fun. It’s a lot harder, but it might ultimately make things easier on your relationship with your partner and your life in general. And you can always bring issues up with your partner later and talk about them in private. But keep their thoughts and feelings in mind when considering their parents. Because they may drive you batty, but it’s your partner's mom or dad.

They Really Do Love You

I had to learn this all on my own. It took years. After my breakup with a guy who fell for my best friend, it took me well over three years to get over it. The man I’m with now was after that douche. I remember sitting on the couch with my current boyfriend, I was resting my head on his chest when he pulled me close and hugged me. He didn’t do anything wrong. He was being rather sweet, hugging me to showing love and affection. But the way he did it triggered a memory from my ex. A memory filled with pain and suffering that lead to him leaving me and my life to fall into shambles. Was that what my current boyfriend meant by that hug? Not in the least. He was just being sweet. But that’s not what my nervous system and memory sensors told me. They told me, “He’s leaving. He’s hugging you for the last time. This is it.” I broke down crying like a baby. My poor boyfriend was freaked out. He had no idea what he had done wrong or what was happening. I assured him that it was not him. But things like that happened a lot for the first couple of years, and it was hard for me to believe him when he would tell me that he wouldn’t leave me. Because I “knew” he would. Everyone did. I started sabotaging the relationship without realizing it. I would be bitchy and nasty without cause, making him mad and causing him to withdraw, which made me angrier in turn. It’s a miracle he’s still with me after eight years.

Sometimes, when someone tells you that they love you, they mean it. But when you’ve been hurt, let down, and conditioned not to have expectations, it’s hard to accept those three words as truth and not guard yourself to what you “know” will inevitably happen. Sometimes you have to let your guard down and let people in. It’s a risk, but sometimes it makes all the difference in the world to your happiness.

It’s Never Too Early To Seek Help - If This Is Something You Want

My fiancé and I have been together for almost eight years and have been living together for three of those. We made the choice to move in together at the five-year mark, but I wasn’t going to follow through without some assurance. I didn’t want to be stranded in a year and have to move back with my parents. I asked him if he could assure me that we would be engaged within the first year of living together? He said yes. So, we moved in.

The first year living together was... hell. It was so hard! We had no idea how to live with each other. I had a job I hated and brought all my bad mojo home, which in turn made him hate coming home. This caused him to stay at work late or go over to friends’ houses instead of coming home. This made me angrier with him and still didn’t make things better when he did come home. After a few months of this, I realized it was me. I knew if things were going to get better I had to make the change, not him. So, I learned to keep work at work and I apologized for my behavior and explained myself. ‘Explained’ is the keyword. I wasn’t making an excuse, because there was none. But I wanted him to know why I had been acting that way and how I thought I could fix it. I asl asked for his opinion and input on how he can help and do his part. Things got better after that, not perfect, but better.

In October - the following month made a year, no engagement - I was at orientation downtown for a new job when he called and told me he got a job in Colorado we were hoping for. It was so exciting, we were finally moving out of Florida! We started making preparations and all the while I was wondering if he was going to propose before we left. We did agree on a year after all. A few weeks before we left I asked him if he planned on asking me before we left for Colorado. He said no, he wanted to wait until we moved. I let it slide and decided to wait.

Fast forward to arriving at Colorado. Neither of us had ever been to the state or anything like it. The farthest west I had ever been to was Illinois for teen camp. It was all-new, exciting, stressful, and overall wonderful! We moved just when our lease was up in Florida - perfect timing! November 3rd, 2017. It was cold and we loved it! No proposal.

Fast forward again to January. Still no proposal and doing nothing but arguing about it. He kept claiming that he had a “plan” but I was sick of playing house and being stagnant. I knew he had the ring because I told him what to buy and saw it! I was over the bullshit and ready to leave. Ready to toss all the years, tears, and memories down the drain. I was voicing my frustrations with a mutual friend of ours who made a suggestion I hadn’t contemplated. He said, “You guys should see a counselor. We did, and it has made all the difference!” I hadn’t thought of it because my parents always taught me that the only people who went to counseling were in serious relationships - married or engaged, not dating - or you went for yourself. But my friend made a point. He said, “You want to marry him, yes? You don’t like the way things are going now, right? What do you think will change when you get married? He isn’t going to magically be more open with you because you had a ceremony and signed a piece of paper. Plus, if things don’t get better, they are only going to get worse. Is that really the marriage you want?”

He was right. On every level, he was right! I naively thought that things would change if we got married. I don’t know why. I’m not dumb enough to think that would logically work. But emotionally, I did. At the rate we were going things would keep getting worse because we didn’t know how to make them better. So, right then and there, on the couch next to my now fiance’ in his chair I asked him, “If I made an appointment with a couples counselor, would you go?” He said yes. I told him that I would pay for it but that I wanted to see if we could do it through his insurance so it would be cheaper for me. He gladly gave me all his insurance info. The next day I did some research on some places near us and made an appointment with the first company I found. Our appointment was set for either that weekend or the weekend after, I can’t remember, but it was set.

Driving to our appointment you could cut the tension with a spoon. We got to the office and filled out paperwork. It asked us why we thought we were there and what we wanted out of the counseling as well as some personal questions. I wrote that I wanted to communicate better. He thought I just wanted him to be more affectionate. Which is true, but it wasn’t the main reason. I wanted us to get better so that I didn’t have to leave.

In almost every session one or both of us cried. And I don’t mean a ‘glistening tear’, I mean bawling, runny nose, have to blow your nose, pour your heart out, crying. It was great, haha. We learned so much about each other and ourselves and it was the best thing we ever did! We made sure to do all our homework and really do the work our counselor asked of us. We went to appointments from that January to April. In our last session, the counselor asked us if there was something specific we wanted more from the counseling because he felt like he was pulling things out of us. We agreed and decided that we needed to use the tools we were given and be set free.

Since then, our relationship has done a 180 and not turned back. We have our slips and falls but overall, we’re so much better for it. We remember very well the things we were taught and hold each other to them. We had been together for so many years that I figured we should have known each other enough to get through most things. But, sometimes you need help and there is nothing wrong with that.

FIN

To conclude (OMG … I just used “conclude” in my conclusion paragraph! I am becoming my own worst nightmare! lol) relationships are hard. Sometimes they suck, sometimes they feel so blissful you figure you have to be in a movie. They truly are roller coasters that you have to be willing to ride all the way through. Ups, downs, undergrounds, 90-degree drops, loop-de-loops, corkscrews, and any other funky roller coaster move you can think of. It’s all in there. But if you truly love the other person on the ride, and they truly love you, it won’t matter if you throw up on the ride or scream profanity in a foreign language out of fear. Because you are there for each other, and that’s what matters most.