To the Man I Loved Differently

There was something in the way I loved you. It was different. It had a depth that was all encompassing. A love rooted so deeply within my soul. An authentic love.

The type of love that is never completely lost. Never completely ends, even when we did.

There is a saying about imagining if we saw souls rather than our physical bodies, how different would things be? My soul knew yours the moment they connected. Your soul was drawn to mine, in a way that terrified you. It was an undeniable energy and it didn’t matter what was going on around us or with us, our souls craved each other. Our souls still crave each other on some level.

Because our love was different. It was raw. It was messy. It was at times a train-wreck, but damn how we travelled through some of the most beautiful destinations on our journey.

I loved you from my soul.

Even now seeing you almost two years after we ended, there was yet another moment. I felt it and I know you felt it. There was an electricity between us which was buzzing, from the moment you stepped through my door. Your eyes gave away, what you were trying so hard to conceal. Because the eyes are the window to our soul. But we have different lives now. You have a partner and I’ve been on an incredible journey of healing and growth.

But still our souls know. Because our love was different. We loved each other differently.

You were keen to know whether I had found someone new. I haven’t been ready. You apologised for not reaching out for so long, which I understand because we are on our own journey. You said you needed to get some distance between us and I asked you why? You said “you know why- there’s all those feelings”. I asked you if it worked, and you shrugged. It was written all over your face, that the physical distance between us had not stopped the souls from loving each other.

Because our love was different. It was on a level neither of us understood. Neither of us could have ever imagined that two years later, there would be an invisible thread binding us together.

Physically we somehow found a new home, in each others arms. An attraction so forceful and magnetic, we could not explain it. Our bodies fit together, like they were made that way. Like they were always supposed to find each other, because when they were near, they were both smouldering hot, wildly adventurous, every cell of our beings alive and at the same time, our souls found a peace that could be felt deep within our core.

Because that love, our love, it was different. It was emotional, spiritual and physical. It was exquisite. Even when it was ugly, it was beautiful, because we learnt lessons and grew.

So, you stood in front of me last week, after almost two years. Talking to me with a familiarity that really should no longer be there. Looking at me in a way, you no longer should look at me. Asking me questions that are really none of your business anymore. You stood at a distance, like you were too scared of trusting yourself to come closer to me.

But nonetheless that energy was engulfing us. Because our love was always different. I loved you differently. You loved me differently.

You asked if you could hug me. I moved into your arms, where it felt so comfortable, but it was no longer my home in there. You wouldn’t let go for the longest time. You held so tight. You held me like your very survival depended on it. I could feel your breath in my hair. Your hands rubbing my back within the embrace. I could feel your body physically respond to our closeness. You said you were sorry for everything but there were still feelings. You asked me if I was happy and I responded I was as I was pursuing my passions. I asked if you were happy and you responded “yeah”.

But still here you were, in front of me, hugging me like you were terrified to let me go. Physically reacting to hugging me. Telling me you had to disconnect from my social media because it was too painful for you. Telling me you care. Telling me you should go before you did something you should not.

Because even though we have moved on with our lives, our souls do not know that. They love each other differently from any other soul either of us have loved.

I stood there in your arms, in that embrace and in that moment, I felt everything I have ever felt for you and from your behaviour and actions, I know you felt it deeply also. We were like two people drowning in our feelings, in our memories, and we clung to each other like a life raft. Maybe we were scared to let go. Maybe we understood that our souls needed to say goodbye. Maybe our hearts had to beat closely together one more time. Maybe we had to return our energy to each other.

Because we loved each other differently. We loved each other with a passion and depth most people would suffocate. We had a chemistry that was so hot, most people would burn themselves. We had a soul connection most people never experience.

I watched you leave that day and I let you go again. I released the sadness of things not working the way we promised each other they would. Because some love stories no matter how intense, no matter how deep and no matter how unforgettable are not meant to last forever. Sometimes life has other ideas and we meet each other at the wrong times, because maybe we need to learn lessons. The most beautiful thing we can do is gift each other with a graceful goodbye.

I’m not sure our souls have untied the invisible thread. I’m not sure they ever will.

Because our love was different.