To Love Again

Bright winter sun made its way through the dark curtains, pouring warmth over the pale blue sheets. Megan rolled over, stretching her arms across the bed feeling the sun’s deceiving heat. A loud knock sounded through the house, followed by a barrage of consecutive doorbell rings.

Groaning, Megan sat up, running her fingers through her long caramel colored hair. The pounding got louder, echoing through the house to her upstairs bedroom. Swinging her legs out of bed, Megan wiped the sleep from her eyes and made her way down the steps to the front door. Tying her robe, she opened the door, getting pushed aside immediately. Megan closed the door, knowing only one person barged in like that.

“We need to talk,” Holly burst out, tossing her jacket onto the back of the couch. Megan picked up the jacket and hung it next to the door, shaking her head. “Did you hear me?”

Megan turned around, yawning, to face her friend. “Loud and clear. What is so important on this beautiful Saturday morning – one in which I did not have to work for once.”

“First, before I forget, your brother said that he hasn’t heard from you in a few days so you need to call him. Second…”

Megan held up her hand, stopping Holly from going on. “I’m going to stop you there. You tell Sal that the phone works on his end too. He can dial my number just as well as I can. Plus, he knows I’m alive – he talks to you every day.”

Holly rolled her eyes as Megan pushed past her into the kitchen. “I don’t need to be the middle man here.”

Megan let out an exasperated laugh. “Holly, you are literally sleeping with him and you’re my best friend. I’m sure if there was something serious, he would know about it through you.”

“It sounds so dirty when you say it like that.”

Megan shrugged her shoulders as she poured coffee into two mugs. “You two decided to get engaged so not my problem whether it sounds dirty or not.”

“Anyhow,” Holly said, shaking her head at her friend while reaching for a mug, “I’m here to also discuss your plans for the holidays.”

“Working most likely; you know that.”

“Let me just save us both some time,” Holly said as she poured creamer into her cup. “You are not working Thanksgiving. Both of your brothers have already requested that you make your pumpkin bread because apparently your mom doesn’t do it right. And your mom said she could use some help making those little cheese ball things you always bring to parties.”

“Sal knows I always make stuff and drop it off before I head in for work. Holly, I usually work Thanksgiving, especially after…”

“Not happening this year Megan. Casey is coming in with Jenny and a bunch of your mom’s relatives are driving down from the Cities. I already talked with your brothers and we are making this a big family thing so you need to be there.”

Megan let out a soft sigh remembering how long it had been since her brothers had been together. “You do realize once you get Casey and Sal in the same house, let alone the same room, no one will know I’m not there. Those two will provide plenty of entertainment for everyone.”

Laughing, Holly nodded in agreement. “I know. They could have their own comedy show…but Meg, none of that matters if you aren’t there to enjoy it too. Plus, my family is joining with yours this year. It’s going to be so incredible. I want you to be there.”

Megan sat down at the island and stared down into her coffee. She stirred her coffee around, wishing everyone could understand how hard this holiday season was going to be. Sometimes she felt as though life just wasn’t fair. Everyone else seemed to go on as though nothing had changed, but her life had been completely torn apart and she wasn’t sure she would ever be able to put the pieces back together again.

“Holly, it’s not that I don’t want to be there…but, I really don’t want to be there.”

Holly shook her head. “Nonsense. And you don’t make any sense at all. Everyone misses you. Please come. You cannot continue to hole yourself up in this place and at work forever. It’s been over a year Megan, at some point you are going to have to let things go. I know they aren’t going to be the same, but you need to start living again. Plus, how am I going to be able to keep both of your brothers in line?”

Megan forced a slight smile onto her face. Sighing, she wiped away a tear threatening to fall and looked at her best friend. “Fine. I’ll see what I can do.”

Holly squealed and rushed around the island table to embrace her friend. Megan returned the embrace until Holly pushed her back and looked at her.

“Now that that’s all sorted out, come on. Get dressed. I need to get a dress for the upcoming fundraiser ball and I am sure that you do too, so let’s go.”

“On my one day off Holly?”

“When else are you going to get one? If I’m not dragging you out to do it, you’ll never get one, so let’s go. Hurry up.”

Megan slid off her chair reluctantly and started up the stairs to her bedroom. She knew there was no use in trying to fight with Holly once her mind was made up. It seemed like every Saturday that she had off, Holly was dragging her out to do something. She knew Holly was trying to keep her busy and her mind off her pain, but sometimes she wanted to have a moment to herself.

Pulling a sweater over her head, Megan sighed looking in the mirror. It was just over the year mark from when she had gotten the news. She felt so alone, even if she was surrounded by friends and family. Josh and she had been inseparable through much of their school years which had let to the two married right out of high school. When Josh had joined the service, Megan had known there was a chance he may never come home, but in all the times he did come home, it felt so unfair that on his last tour with only a few weeks left, he wasn’t coming home.

Shaking her head, she pushed the thoughts away. She buttoned her jeans and pulled her hair out of her face then headed down to meet Holly. Holly was waiting at the door, dressed, with Megan’s coat in hand.

“Put a smile on girl, this is going to be fun! I even have lunch planned. And this time, I am buying.”

“About time,” Megan teased, trying to push away the loneliness. How could someone feel so alone when she seemed to constantly be surrounded by people?

Holly gave Megan a shove as they walked out to Holly’s car. “Not funny. Just because I left my wallet at home on accident one time in high school doesn’t mean that you can keep that over my head. You do realize that has been over ten years ago now.”

“Who says I can’t keep bringing that up?”

The two laughed as Holly drove out of Megan’s driveway towards town. Holly chatted about how her job was going, the upcoming fundraiser, and the holidays. Megan listened and nodded her head now and then, her mind still stuck in that moment from a year ago. Sometimes when she drove through the town, she would see people walking and she would catch herself thinking it was Josh; that somehow there had been a mistake made. But she knew, deep in her heart, that there was no mistake; Josh really was gone and she needed to get herself together to move forward in her own life.

Holly pulled up to the dress shop and the two got out. Stepping inside the shop, Holly immediately bee-lined for the back of the store, dragging Megan by the arm with her. Megan chuckled at Holly’s very no-nonsense approach to shopping. She had always been the one to scour stores every chance she got for the next up-and-coming fashion piece.

“You certainly know where you are going,” Megan teased as Holly began pulling dresses off the racks and pushing them into Megan’s arms.

“Listen, this is where you are going to find the best ones. Plus, I was in here earlier this week and may have browsed.” Holly paused and flashed Megan a look. “Don’t judge me.”

Megan laughed as Holly went back to pulling more dresses from the rack, continuing her loop around the racks containing long evening gowns. Before Megan could decline, Holly gave her a stern look pushing her into a dressing room. “You will be going, no excuses. So, try on these dresses and let’s see which one you’ll be dazzling everyone in.”

Knowing there was no use in fighting with her friend, Megan closed the dressing room door and stripped down to try on the first dress. She shook away the emotions threatening to rise up and spill over. She couldn’t help but remember the last time she was trying on dresses it had been for last years’ fundraiser event, but instead of going to that, she was mourning the loss of her husband. The dress still hung in her closet, a constant reminder of the what-could-haves.

A knock sounded on the dressing room door, pulling Megan back into the present. “C’mon girl! Let me see how good of a job I did picking out something for you!”

Megan opened the door and Holly did a fake fall into the rack beside her. “Girl, you look absolutely stunning. If we can find that in one size smaller…I thought I grabbed the right...”

“Hello girls!” A loud boisterous voice interrupted Holly from across the store. The two turned to see Holly’s mothing coming towards them.

“Hey Mom! Holly greeted.

“Hi Miranda, how are you?” Megan asked as Miranda pulled her into a warm embrace.

“Absolutely wonderful! My, oh my, do you look gorgeous Megan. And Holly, my word, does that dress just look stunning on you!”

“Thanks Mom. What brings you here?”

“I was just passing by on my way to meet Leona for lunch and I saw your car out front. I figured you were in here shopping for the fundraiser ball so I thought I would come see how that was going for you.”

“You know me too well,” Holly teased. “How is Aunt Leona? Oh, and stay right there Mom, I want you to see this next dress.”

“Okay dear,” Miranda laughed, giving Megan a knowing smile. “Leona is doing well. In fact, let me call her and tell her to meet me here.”

“Megan,” Holly called through the dressing room door. “Go put on one of the other dresses I picked for you.”

Megan went into the dressing room and changed quickly, stepping out just as Holly was coming out of her dressing room. Miranda beamed as the two girls stood before her.

“Megan, you look absolutely radiant. Either of these dresses you have tried on will be perfect for you.”

“I agree with Mom, Meg, you really look gorgeous. But did I grab the wrong size? Seriously, both of those seem a little loose, don’t they?”

Megan shook her head, trying to get Holly’s attention off her. “They probably were on the wrong hangers. I will look for a smaller size. Holly, that dress is fantastic.”

Holly turned her attention from Megan to her own dress and twirled. “Isn’t it though?”

“I like this one better than the last one you had on Holly,” Miranda said, smiling at her daughter.

“I do too. So remember this one. I’m going to try on another. We’ll do the process of elimination here.”

Miranda chuckled at her daughter’s excitement. Holly had always been the definition of a blonde diva. And anything to do with fashion, she was all over it.

After an hour more of trying on dresses, Holly finally had the one she wanted picked out. Megan had visited with Leona and Miranda, the two of them catching up on the latest gossip.

“Let’s all go do lunch together girls,” Miranda said on their way out of the dress shop.

“Oh, yes, let’s!” Leona said grasping Megan’s hand. “It’s been so long since we have all sat down together dear.”

“I have to run next door to grab a tie and some socks for Sal first,” Holly said as she put her dress into the back of her car.

“Well, let’s all go together and then we can go uptown,” Miranda said linking arms with her daughter and heading to the store.

“I’m going to run to the bathroom quick,” Megan said, excusing herself as they entered the store.

Once Megan had washed her hands, she opened the restroom door and stepped out, stopping dead in her tracks.

“Megan. Hi,” the tall clean cut sandy blonde greeted, moving from the clothing rack to where Megan stood frozen, trying to catch her breath.

“Matt…when did you…how are…” Megan trailed off, trying to push down her emotions and wrap her head around the man standing before her.

“I’m good. Finally home…for good.”

Tears threatened to pour over as Megan tried to keep her composure. Matt reached for her and pulled her against his chest. She let herself melt into him, trying to control her tears.

“I’m so glad you’re okay,” Megan whispered.

Matt stroked Megan’s hair. “Me too. Megan, I’m so sorry…”

Megan pulled back and held up her hands. “Don’t. Please. It’s okay. I…”

“My word! Matthew McGuinny is that you?” Megan quickly wiped her eyes as Miranda swooped over and pulled Matt into an embrace. “Praise Jesus you made it home safe! Your mama hasn’t said a word about you being home!”

“No ma’am. She doesn’t know yet. Dad needs a new suit and my cousin has them coming in here shortly.”

“Well, let me not blow your cover!” Miranda exclaimed. Leaning in she whispered, “But I am staying so I can see your sweet mama’s face when she sees you.”

Matt let out a chuckle. “Yes ma’am.”

Miranda hurried away with Leona at her side heading towards the men’s shoe department for a clear view of Matt. Matt turned to Megan. “Can you stay? There’s so much I need to…”

The front door jingled interrupting Matt. Megan shoved him behind the suit rack then quickly walked away, not wanting to ruin Matt’s homecoming surprise. She slipped out the front door and pulled out her phone texting Holly that something had come up and she would meet up with her another time. After hitting send, she walked the couple blocks to the gym and went inside. Heading to the locker room, she pulled out her extra swim suit she kept at the gym and put it on. She needed to clear her head and swimming was the one way she could escape her mind.

As the water slid over her body, the memories washed over her. Pulling harder at the water, Megan mentally tried to outrun her own emotions. Josh’s face kept flashing in front of her. Seeing Matt had pulled her back into the place she had been trying to escape over the last year. Matt had been with Josh throughout their service together. It had been said that Matt was there the day Josh had been killed, but Megan hadn’t ever asked.

Since the funeral, Megan had buried herself in her work and shut herself off to everyone that she and Josh had known. She had been trying to keep her life together the best she could, but seeing Matt threatened to unravel it all. Matt had been Josh’s best friend, and most would say, the three of them had been thick as thieves growing up.

Megan’s arms began to ache as she pulled herself up to the end of the pool. She leaned her head against her arms that she had crossed in front of her. She took a deep breath, trying to ease the growing ache.

Pushing it a little much today, aren’t you?”

Megan looked up to see one of the gym’s trainers kneeling in front of her.

“I’m fine Caleb.”

“I’ve heard that line plenty of times from you. You realize it’s me. I’ve been here for how many years now? I know you and I know you have something going on in that head of yours again. Talk to me.”

“It’s…”

“Nothing right? C’mon,” Caleb reached for her arm, helping her out of the water. “To the hot tub before your muscles start screaming at you more than they probably already are.”

Megan walked over to the hot tub and sank down into the warm bubbling water. Closing her eyes, she leaned her head back against the ledge. She was not only physically exhausted, she was mentally drained.

“You wanna talk?”

Megan opened one eye, looking towards Caleb. “You said you’ve known me for how long? And you’re asking me that question?”

Caleb rocked forward on his toes as he squatted down next to her on the edge. “I’m just waiting for you to not be stubborn.”

“I’m not sure that is going to happen.”

“I haven’t given up yet.”

Silence fell between the two. Megan closed her eyes and focused on her aching muscles. The holidays weren’t going to be any better this year than they had been last year. Life didn’t seem to want to play fair with her.

Seeing Matt was sending her into a downward spiral. She had had no time to prepare for seeing him again. She felt like she had been hit in the chest by a brick wall.

“You better come out of there before you turn into a prune,” Caleb said, interrupting her thoughts after a few moments.

Megan opened her eyes and gave a sheepish smile. “Maybe that’s the look I’m going for.”

“Well, you’d be beautiful no matter what, but besides looking like a prune, I thought you might fall asleep and then I’d have to save you from drowning. It’s a lot of paperwork.”

Megan smiled. “Thanks Caleb. See you Tuesday night.”

Caleb grabbed Megan’s arm as she reached for a towel. “I’m here to listen if you need me to be Megan. Don’t close yourself off again. I know that look.”

“Thanks,” Megan said as she took the towel, wrapping it around herself. “Really, I’ll be fine.”

Caleb gave Megan one last look before she turned and headed to the locker room. She didn’t realize how exhausted she was until she sat down to get dressed after showering. She felt numb.

After getting dressed, Megan grabbed her phone and bag and headed out into the chilly afternoon air. It was odd the town wasn’t covered in snow yet, but the cold temperatures made up for the lack of white powder.

As Megan turned to head up the street, she bumped into someone on their way into the gym.

“I’m so sorry,” Megan apologized, stepping sideways trying to catch her balance. Two strong hands grabbed her shoulders and steadied her.

“Really Megan?”

Megan looked up to see Matt standing before her. His icy blue stare softened as he let his gaze wander over her face.

“How…why…how’d you know where to find me?”

“Did you not want to be found?”

“It’s not that. I just…”

“Megan, every time you got mad at Josh, you’d come here to swim laps and clear your head. I had a pretty strong feeling I’d find you here after you went missing, leaving a very distraught friend behind.”

“I sent Holly a text. Shouldn’t you be catching up with your family?”

“No worries on that Meg. Mom has smothered me in enough saliva to last for awhile. Plus, we both know a text is not good enough for Holly. So, I took on the mission of bringin a very distraught woman her friend back.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…”

Matt shook his head. “Don’t apologize Meg. Everyone is waiting up at the café.” Matt grabbed Megan’s elbow and turned her towards Main street. “They all decided that we are going to eat together. And I can’t leave you behind because I’ve been told that you’ll skip lunch if you don’t come with us.”

“It’s really okay, I…”

“Don’t try to lie to me Meg. I know you better than that. I can tell you’ve lost fifteen – maybe even twenty pounds since last year…”

“It’s…”

“It’s not from working out. You didn’t have that much to lose.”

Megan stopped and faced Matt, letting her arms fall to her sides. “I was going to say it’s been hard. I just…”

Matt cut her off, pulling her into his arms. “I know it has Meg. Mom has told me you’ve pretty much gone off the grid. But,” Matt paused, pushing her out to arm’s length and looking at her, “let’s go eat or they’ll have a search party out for the both of us.”

Megan smiled, wiping her eyes. The two walked towards the café, stopping beside a truck as Matt reached for Megan’s bag.

“I’ll put this in my truck so you don’t have to carry it around.”

“Trying to make it so I can’t get away?” Megan asked, a smile playing at her lips.

Matt winked. “No, this way when you are trying to sneak away, I can too.”

Megan laughed, brushing the last of the tears from her eyes. Matt closed the truck door and pressed the lock on his keys.

“Ready?”

“As I’ll ever be.”

The two walked up to the café and Matt ushered Megan inside, placing his hand in the small of her back and guiding her forward. Holly immediately heard the door and rushed across the café, stopping directly in front of Megan.

“Swimming?” Holly asked, flipping a strand of Megan’s wet hair with her hand.

“Rainstorm. It was pretty bad,” Megan replied.

Holly rolled her eyes as Matt cleared his throat, trying not to laugh.

“Not funny. Everyone is ready to order so I’ll save my lecture for later, but don’t you for a second think you are getting out of it. And,” Holly said pointing to Matt, “I know what kind of an influence you are. We aren’t in high school anymore. I know you are going to fall back into your same habits and right now that’s the last thing Megan needs.”

Holly spun on her heal, grabbing Megan’s elbow and pulled her towards an empty seat next to Leona. The waitress was taking everyone’s order as Megan sat down. Megan scanned the group of people, stopping on Matt's mother, watching as she beamed from ear to ear as Matt sat down next to her. She reached out, touching his arm, making sure he was real – Megan was sure. She had found herself reaching across the bed many times at night when Josh was home on leave to make sure he was really there. Now she found herself doing the same, even a year later, making sure it was really real that he was never coming home.

Leona patted Megan’s hand, bringing Megan back to the present. Megan smiled at her and Leona leaned towards her. “It’s not easy dear. But I am glad you are here. We all are. We have missed you.”

Megan nodded, smiling at the woman.

“And Megan,” Leona continued, dropping her voice so only she could hear. “Josh would want you to be here for Matt. You three were thick as thieves back in the day. Josh knows sweetie; you’ve grieved enough.”

Leona gave Megan’s hand a final pat and sat up in her chair. Megan tried to choke back the emotions that were playing across her face. The waitress set her salad before her, giving her a welcome distraction. She pushed the greens around on her plate, taking a bite now and then. The chatter around her focused on Matt being home, everyone trying to bring him up to speed with the upcoming events.

Megan zoned out, trying to keep herself unnoticed so she wouldn’t be brought into the conversation. She was happy Matt was home, but the reality of Josh never coming home was starting to overwhelm her. She looked up from her plate to see Matt staring at her as he chewed. Swallowing, he mouthed ‘five minutes’ and nodded towards the door. Megan nodded her head.

To Megan, the five minutes passed painfully slow. She tried to get up without anyone noticing, but Holly had eyes fixed on her like a hawk.

“You’re not leaving, are you? You haven’t even finished all your salad,” Holly stated, turning everyone’s attention towards Megan.

“I…there’s…well…” Megan stammered, color creeping up her cheeks as she tried to come up with an excuse. She looked to Matt with pleading eyes.

Matt stood and nodded to everyone. “I promised Megan I would take her home. We have some catching up to do.”

It was all Matt had to say and everyone accepted his explanation without question. Leona gave Megan a squeeze on her arm and smiled at her. Everyone all said their goodbyes and made plans to get together again. As the plans were being made, Megan slipped out the front door and headed outside to wait by Matt’s truck. She leaned on the side and stared down main street, watching cars travel up and down.

Matt walked up, clicking the unlock on his key fob. Megan climbed inside and buckled as Matt climbed into the driver’s seat. Matt was about to turn the key in the ignition when he turned to Megan.

“Would you mind if we go out to the cemetery? I understand completely if you don’t want to.”

Megan sat for a moment, caught off guard by Matt’s question.

“I’m sorry Meg. I shouldn’t have…”

“No, no,” Megan quickly stopped Matt from continuing. “Please. Let’s go.”

Without another word, Matt started his truck and drove out to the cemetery. Silence filled the vehicle as the cold wind blew outside swirling leaves up as the truck crunched over the road. Megan climbed out as soon as the truck stopped, heading directly to where Josh lay. She dropped to her knees and stared at the headstone as she had done so many times before through the past year. Matt walked up beside her and knelt down, placing his hand on her shoulder.

“I’ve come her so many times and it still doesn’t get any easier,” Megan whispered. “I cry, I beg, I’ve even tried to bargain. And yet, I still go home feeling just as empty as when I came every single time.”

“Megan,” Matt said gently; Megan turned to look at him with tears in her eyes. “He loved you so much. You’re all he ever talked about to anyone that would listen. From the first time we met you when you moved here in middle school, he would always tell me you were the girl he was going to marry. He was head over heels in love with you. Going into the service was something we had always talked about doing. We had made that pact as dumb kids. But it wasn’t me that kept him going over there Megan, it was you. He wanted so much to make the world a better place for you.”

Tears fell as Megan hung her head, remembering Josh’s voice telling her that all he wanted was to just make the world a little better place for her and their future together. He wanted to make his difference and come home so they could build their life together. He had always told her, just one more tour.

Matt cleared his throat. “Megan, he told me a lot when we were overseas together. Probably more than I should know, but when you are holed up like that, I guess it gives you a lot of time to think and sometimes you just need someone to tell it to.”

Megan gave Matt a small smile, placing her hand on Matt’s arm. “I know. Josh told me. Everyone needs a sounding board Matt, and I’m just really glad that you could be there for him. He couldn’t have asked for a better friend.”

Matt nodded his head, turning back to stare at the headstone. The two sat in silence for a few moments longer before the wind picked up, sending a whirlwind of leaves blowing around them. Megan shivered, sending chills down her arms and back. Matt stood and extended his hand to help Megan up.

“I’ll take you home Meg.”

Megan nodded, taking his hand to leverage herself up. “Thank you.”

“You don’t need to thank me. I should be the one thanking you for coming here with me.”

“I miss him so much.”

Matt nodded his head. “I do too, but I can’t imagine what you are going through Meg. I can only sympathize with you. Josh was a good man, a good friend, but I’m sure he was an even better husband.”

Megan gave a small smile. “That he was.”

The two made their way towards Matt’s truck and got inside, shutting out the cold wind. Matt started the truck and the two headed towards Megan’s house on the other side of town. Both sat silently, lost in their own thoughts.

Arriving at Megan’s Matt got out, grabbing Megan’s bag from the back and walked around to meet her as she closed the passenger door.

“I can get my bag Matt.”

“I’m sure you can, but it’s no problem.”

“I can manage you know.”

“I know.”

Giving in, Megan turned towards the house and started walking. She glanced at Matt and gave a smile. “You’re stubborn you know.”

“Not the first time I’ve been called that.”

“And certainly won’t be the last, will it?”

Matt flashed a smile her way, shaking is head. When they reached the front door, Megan turned to face Matt.

“You want to come in?”

Matt rubbed his hand over the back of his neck. “I should probably be going.”

Megan nodded, reaching for her bag in Matt’s hand. “Well, I’ll see you around then. Thanks for today. I don’t do the whole everyone getting together very often. Having an excuse to leave was nice.”

“I know. Mom’s kept me pretty much up to date on the happenings around here. She said you had become pretty much nonexistent over the past year. She did tell me today though, that it was really nice seeing you out with everyone again.”

“Of course she would keep you up to date. Between my mother, yours, Miranda, and Leona, you probably haven’t missed a thing. From the amount they were writing and calling you, it was probably like you never even left. "

“Almost. There was just one piece missing.”

A silence fell between the two. Megan shifted the bag on her shoulder and motioned towards the door.

“If we are just going to stand out here and talk, we might as well go in.”

“It’s alright Megan. I’ll get out of your hair. Mom was planning a big supper tonight.”

“Then you definitely should be going. I don’t want to be the reason you are late for two meals on your first day back or I’ll never hear the end of it.”

Matt chuckled. “Probably not.”

“I’ll see you around then. Tell your dad I will stop by sometime next week to trade out for a new book, I am almost done with the last one he lent me.”

“I will. Will you be around tomorrow? Maybe we…”

“I work tomorrow.”

Matt nodded in understanding. “I’m sure I’ll run into you soon.”

“Of course.”

Matt reached for Megan and pulled her into a warm embrace. Megan let her self relax against him, feeling the safeness of his arms. She nestled her head against his chest and sighed. How good it felt to be held again.

Letting Megan go, Matt turned and started for his truck. Megan opened her door and went inside, closing it tightly behind her. Something inside her heart seemed to begin to thirst for more, like a dying flame flickering, gasping for air. But as quickly as the stir was felt, Megan closed it out, putting up her guard. Seeing Matt was almost more than she could bear.