Through The Mind's Eye...

There are days when, for some reason, I feel out of sorts. Not sick or ill, just not myself. Some years ago, I apparently suffered from depression, so I am acutely aware of what that particular experience is all about. This time however, I could not place a finger on what it truly was that was bothering me, so I decided that having been doing this internal work for some fourteen months now, I knew how to explore this further.

Going into this I was very confident that I could come up with some very sound reasoning as to why I was feeling so blase, so not wanting to talk to anyone, and so ready and willing to isolate myself and figure out the cause of my recent abnormality.

Originally, I had the thought that perhaps this was not such a good idea. I brushed this off as nonsense, simply because I felt this is what I have been working towards while dealing with my issues; I've been learning to concisely determine just what it is that is bothering me at any given time, come up with a solution, and be done with it.

Typically, one would think this to be some very sound reasoning, yet I was very wrong on this conclusion. The point of all the talking was just that, to talk- not to isolate oneself in a hole, as I had done in the past. Past indiscretions would most certainly reveal themselves.

So why is it that I believed this would work all of a sudden, seemingly out of the blue? For a person to perhaps become or feel they are strong enough to go it alone really does say something about their character- quite possibly the wrong something, but I'll try to explain this the best I know how.

Correct me if I am wrong, but was not the whole purpose of working on one's self with other people to be able to seek out such people when they are what you needed? Is this not exactly what I was trying to learn? Then something miraculous occurred to me- well maybe not so miraculous.

It turned out the reason I was trying to go this alone was because of the person I was seeking out to talk with about these issues. Oddly enough the issue was nothing either life-threatening or mind boggling; it really wasn't even anything important.

What it was is that I simply had gotten so used to when seeking out this one person was that when I could not find said person, I decided, oh well, I can do this on my own because I have learned how to weigh all the pros and cons of a given situation, I've covered all my angles and now I am truly, 'good to go.'

Having thought about this a little longer I understood that my rationale in this was (to say the very least) a bit skewed. Wonky. More likely, it was even somewhat stupid of me to choose this as an avenue to follow, being as fresh out of the gate as I was.

I am not certain that this entire affair is even something that I need to consider, because there is truly nothing wrong; I just don't feel as joyous and happy as I have every day for a good long time now. I have these moments where I will think to myself, 'well, that really sucked' and that's usually it; it's over and I move on, I forget about it.

There are still days from time to time when I think to myself, 'Have I in all reality taken myself down the right path this time? I mean sure I'm not drinking anymore, and for the most part I am generally happy', yet in retrospect, and surprisingly. I was not unhappy per se when I was drinking. I was emotionally miserable, but not unhappy.

I was in relatively good spirits most of the time, simply because the real hurt- and to this day, that is something I do not fully understand, and may never- but that hurt was buried so very deep inside myself that it was as if it was just not there, almost as if the real me had not been present for a very large part of my life.

The thing of it is I have never lived through any emotionally traumatic events of any circumstance- no residential school scenarios, I was not abused as a child in any way shape or form, I was raised in such a way to realise right from wrong, and for my 'growing up' years I was loved as a child (albeit shown this in a roundabout sort of fashion; that was just my family). Honestly, I did not want for anything at all growing up.

We- my brothers, sisters and I that is- may not have had everything that others did, but that was strictly from a disciplinary perspective, from what my father perceived as the best way in which to raise his children. Spoiling the shit out of us was not going to happen on his watch. This is not to say Mom did not from time to time if her budget would allow, but where do you think her budget came from? My Father; so he was aware, he knew very well what we did and did not get.

Now I have to really start to question what is next for me. My treatment is done in a week's time, I move to a new place, I start a new job, I have a new support group for the most part, I am looking for a new counsellor (which I truly wish I did not have to do), I want to continue school to a higher level now, I really want to establish a new career for myself, I have health issues that I have no direct answers to, and all the while my biggest problem right now- the sole reason for writing this- is simply that I needed to talk to one person, and she was not available to do such.

It certainly does seem a lot more unimportant now that I have written it all down on paper, that I could not access the person in question to tell all of my troubles too. Am i just being a bog baby? Do I have attachment issues, on top of all my other misgivings? No, I just have preferences, yet I also keep forgetting that one of my issues on top of all of my issues is that I am centralizing- focusing if you will- on the fact that I believe this one person in particular is the only person that can help me.

When I was unable to talk with her my mood- my feelings, my attitude, my entire processing of normal everyday nonsense- was indescribably shot to hell. So it now comes to my mind again. Addiction can come in the form of anything, and now my addiction seemed to be in the form of another human being. This in itself may sound odd, but I do completely understand it, and it does not surprise me the tiniest little bit.

How can I be addicted to another human being? It really is all in how the situation is perceived; it's not necessarily a bad thing, it really isn't, but everything in moderation, and as an addict, that sometimes is easier said than done- especially for me, it would seem.

(The previous was an excerpt from my first book, 'Through The Mind's Eye: A Journey of Self-Discovery')

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