The Walk Back to Yourself

I wish I knew your name...

The one you want to be called.

The person you want to be.

The person you are at times.

A great listener,

someone who laughs and smiles

just to laugh and smile...

A person not plagued by fear,

sensitivities,

anxieties...

The person you speak of sometimes

but never really show.

It is an outer body experience,

letting someone go.

Coming to grips with all of life's beauties,

mistakes,

your own thoughts...

The 'what if's' haunt you.

Seeing the best in people kills you when it turns out that you should start taking them at face value, and not their potential...

Because people will do what people want to do,

and people are not their potential...

some people don't even know their potentials.

What was I looking at?

What could I have seen?

What did I see?

In your eyes that were so dark I could never see in them...

The empty words that never held any actions...

The nights and days when I simply wasn't wanted because you needed space and I always had to respect that and give you what you wanted while I suffered and was constantly being told:

"I feel nothing for you."

"I am shut off."

"I am busy. I have no time for you. I don't know what you want."

And for a while, I met you where you stood. In the chaos of life, giving you the benefit of the doubt

until...

I didn't.

Until I realized that that wasn't the life I wanted for myself.

I want to be met with hugs and a kiss on the cheek.

To be spun around and adored.

To be dipped in public and cared for because I am just me and they are just them.

And I realized that I deserve better.

It only took me 27 years and multiple heart breaks and chaos to realize that, but I am finally here.

Letting go is one of the most tragic, devastating, positive, heart-wrenching, peaceful, and calming experiences in life.

Letting go of family.

Letting go of people and things that no longer serve you,

regardless of how others feel about it.

Letting go of your own expectations.

Being able to look yourself in the mirror everyday without the puffy eyes,

without the tears streaming down your face like you are the problem, the way they always make you feel,

wondering if today might be the day of breakthrough in more ways than one.

Simply learning to only answer to yourself...

To Myself...

And stop

living...

for...

what...

other...

people...

have...

to...

say...

NO,

I don't want your apologies.

NO,

I don't need closure.

NO,

I don't care how you feel about it.

NO,

I don't need or want to see you ever again.

I root for you from afar now, and that brings me so much peace.

Knowing that I have myself again.

Knowing that I will never have to be hidden or hide who I am.

I will never have to put on a face in front of friends because of a toxic relationship plagued by immaturity.

I will never have to feel alone or pushed aside because of this or that,

and told that the person I love and want to be with, long term, is too busy for me...

dot

dot

dot

Yeah, that's sad.

And that is not the kind of wife I want to be or become.

All the Instagram posts,

Therapy sessions,

Girl talks,

and books I've been reading,

all confirm what kind of love I want vs what I have been settling for.

But in the end, it starts with me.

What I settle for and allow vs what I should be allowing and expecting.

Never allow people to make you question who you are.

Never allow them to strip away the best parts of you because they are miserable in their own lives.

Practice looking at who people really are, instead of who they could be (working on that).

Look at peoples actions instead of only listening to what they say...(working on this too).

If you feel like you are losing yourself, for the worst, leave.

Even if that means you must rip out your own heart and go to war with your brain, do it.

In a few weeks, a month, maybe even a year from then, you will finally feel it...

You will see it...

You deserve so much better than what you have been allowing into your life.

I deserve so much better than what I have been allowing into my life.

And so we start anew.

A new journey.

And I am here, walking it with you.