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Her: Shallow (pt. 3)

When the Devastation Hits and All You Have Are Your Own Thoughts

By Nia WheatPublished 2 years ago 4 min read
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Her: Shallow (pt. 3)
Photo by 莎莉 彭 on Unsplash

It is every song that comes on,

Every person that walks by,

Every time I drive home,

Every time I scroll on Instagram and see a new tiny home I can't send you...

(You would have never built it for me anyways).

It wasn't our destiny...

It wasn't fate...

Me meeting you

and you meeting me...

Us crossing paths...

It wasn't fate...

Maybe if I repeat it enough I will start to get my heart to truly believe it.

No more tears in spurts.

No more telling myself to stop feeling over you because you're undeserving.

But last night it hit me.

My heart swelled in my chest,

my lips felt the absence for the very first time,

my eyes filled,

and I started to unravel...

To finally...unravel...

My body caught up with what my brain had already known.

So I wiped my eyes quickly before anyone saw me,

fearing that I would be judged,

because according to everyone around me,

it was the best things for me...

and it is...

It was...

It is...

It is the best thing for the both of us.

We took a deep dive and then a nose dive

and neither of us would have survived.

But I miss you, and feel so stupid that I do.

It was all very short lived,

and pretty much toxic all the way through.

One day I blinked and you were there.

One day I blinked and it was all gone.

Like watching the Twin Towers fall.

Our memories flood my mind at random times. I just want to sleep them all away.

It's not even like we had that many but they are here to stay.

It's the tiny homes,

the songs that come on,

the texts that were never sent,

the changes that could have been made,

the loss of having you...I guess...

Someone that was supposed to be my girlfriend, my future, but soon became a pen pal.

You don't park next to me anymore.

I can't even look you in your face out of disappointment.

And you know this.

You tried to pretend that the damage wasn't done but it was...

and there was so much in such little time.

How was I supposed to know that you wouldn't do what you said?

That you didn't know how to actually be a girlfriend/partner to someone?

That we would be spending most of our lives, as adults, still sneaking around as if we were little kids trying to hide who we are from our parents?

Your parents...

Yeah...

your exes were good with being called just your "friend" but we see how that worked out,

or rather didn't.

How was I to know that you would refuse to make changes for me, for us?

The person you "love"...

The person you were "in love" with...

See, that's what really gets me I think.

And makes me realize your inconsistency and immaturity.

We are full blown adults...

I shouldn't have to say anymore other than that,

but you see evidently I do because you still don't have a clue.

We were destined to fail because you refused to get close to me.

I knew it the night in your car.

I'm not stupid.

I knew I was in for a train wreck, but I went for it anyways. Chasing after that beautiful feeling.

That rush.

That push and pull that only love can give.

Until it doesn't.

There was no talking to you.

A best friend?

I could barely speak my mind. It happened all the time.

Walking on eggshells because you were jealous of everyone and everything,

you obsessed over things you didn't even know...

things that were never said or done.

And the manipulation...

Oh, you're good...

Probably the best I've ever seen.

You bring up respect like you actually had it for me...

No phone calls,

no asking me on a date...

What kind of 'love' is that?!

And we were only A MONTH IN...*mindblown*

To be honest, I want to be honest with you.

I want to sit down and talk to you.

I wish we could have worked things out, as adults, and found a common ground.

But there was none of that.

You're right. I deserve better.

You've always been right about that... so then why try again?

Just to leave me alone the whole time and treat me like a toy.

Why try again if you want so much space and independence?

Why try again if you couldn't even call or spend proper time with me?

Why try again if you couldn't be your true authentic self?

You knew...

You're not as dumb as you make things out to be.

It had nothing to do with the jealousy, with other people in my life...

It had everything to do with you not being ready to face things, head first.

Tuck and roll through the fire.

Because you were too afraid to get burned.

My scars are my life

and some day I hope you regret it

All.

So please don't make someone else believe that this is what love is...

No,

this is what love is to you...

but not what love really is...

love
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About the Creator

Nia Wheat

▪▪▪A Way of Expression. ✌🏽▪▪▪

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