The Vault

Welcome to your very own tour inside the crevices of my mind!

Come on, step inside.

Before we go too far, I want you to see these photos I keep right inside the front door. Take a good look at her. That's me. That version was quiet and small. She spent years swallowing her own voice just to keep the peace. People loved having her around because she was so easy to step on. I always look at the photos before opening up the windows... or ya know, my eyes... every morning as a reminder to not ever be that again.

I hope you can handle this new version of me. I'm a little blunter and snarkier these days. I'm still learning how to hold all this ground without constantly apologizing for taking up space. I hope you're ready, let's go. And watch your head... those post it notes flying around tend to stick to you when you least expect it. You can be minding your own business and BAM... you're slapped in the forehead with a note that demands you to turn the light switch on and off the correct number of times. Dodge them as best as you can because they're really annoying and you absolutely have to do whatever they say if they stick to you!

Feel free to help yourself to one of those Monsters from the fridge. We don't do coffee here, but you might need the caffeine if you're gonna try and survive this journey.

Duck! Oh no.. that one got ya. What does it say? 'Where's my bank card?' No, it's fine. It's in my purse, we're good. Let's go.

Ok, to your right, we have the Justice Wing. The walls always feel kinda hot in here. I'm hard wired to stand up for people. If someone's getting picked on, I will step right into the fire and let myself burn to protect them... and finally myself too. Funny thing about this room is right here... see this list on the wall? These are the comments of people thanking me for standing up for them and asking me for help and advice.

Now, look at this one. Same people, different comments. This is the list of people who said dumb shit to me for standing up for myself.

"You're better than that."
"Family business should remain private"
"Keep that to yourself."
"Be the bigger person."

They all praise me for helping them and then tear me apart for setting boundaries and calling out bullshit when it's directed at me. Crazy, huh? Fuck them. I am not the bigger person. Not anymore.

Come on, let's go over here to the Creative Wing. I love it here. This wing has multiple rooms. It's kinda cluttered but it's one of my favorite places. There are three rooms in here. This one is for drawing and bead work. I've covered every inch of the wall with sharpie, and I've hung sun catchers from the ceiling. They make the walls sparkle when the light hits them.

That room over there has white walls, but I've written all over them. Every story I've written is written up on that wall somewhere. Even the ones I never published.

Over there is my music room. Careful when I open the door, the music notes fly around just like the post it's. I always have them stuck in my head, but worse so when I visit this room. Everything I do, I sing. Which is probably annoying... but it's my head and I do what I want in here.

This wing is a little busy, I know. But, like I said... it's one of my favorites. The walls are always filling up with something new and there's a few boxes and shelves of stuff that aren't currently taking up much space these days. Like my sculpting. That didn't last long. And this box was the start of my doll making adventure. Yes, all of the stuff in here is mini accessories for dolls that I made when I was 12. They're cute, but I leave it 'em the box. It wasn't something that stuck. I think it was just the groundwork for making hand made dolls.

Speaking of stuck, there's another post it stuck on your back. It says, 'The TV volume is set to 19. Change it to an even number immediately or perish.'

Ugh! Be right back!

I see you've found my notebook. Don't look inside! That's private, for now! I've been working hard on that. But if you look over there on that shelf, yup! That's Izzy's Hair and this is not a sequel.. but a similar project. The writing was the easy part. The illustration is deforming my hand. Anyways, let's put this stuff up and I'll take you to the place that keeps me grounded.

This is the Love Room. That's our first kiss. We met online, but my aunt in Arizona was really the glue that made it possible for us to meet in person. I sent him all of my money, and he scraped up everything he had. He drove all the way from Texas to get me in California. But my mom wouldn't allow him to come all the way because she was sure he would murder us all. He was a stranger off the internet. After Mom and I had a huge fight, I reached out to an aunt in Arizona I had only heard bad things about. They were wrong. She was the most kind and loving person. She stayed up with me until 4 a.m. waiting for him to show up. No questions asked. She took that picture of us in Arizona.

And this is her at our wedding. One of only 3 of my family members to actually show up. God, I miss her.

Sorry... Love room. The walls? Yeah... that's our wedding video played on a permanent loop. Every time I start to feel a little down, I come here and I look at these walls. I remember being scared to fall in love but going all in anyways. I'm thankful I did, because without that decision, I wouldn't have this room to show you.

Yeah, this door is multicolored, which I think is perfect. Pink for my oldest, blue for my middle, and purple for my littlest one. This is the baby room. It's happy memories. First kicks. First steps. First words. Birthdays. Endless videos and pictures of my babies laughing, dancing, and just being silly.

I remember it all. This room is overflowing with perfect memories I never ever want to lose. Truthfully, I never wanted kids because I think the world is cruel and does all it can to destroy anything that's good. But, they are the biggest part of my heart and the world is immensely better with them in it. They're so good and they're great at spreading that joy and not letting the world stomp it out of them. Better than I ever was. They're learning to stand up for themselves and others. They know their worth and that they're allowed to take up space.

Izzy is a ball of light. She loves art and animals. She wants to rescue them all. She does her best to always make everyone feel included. She is experimenting with fashion and is slowly morphing into a little alt beauty. She wants to be a fashion designer and is teaching herself to draw anatomy. She loves makeup and music... you can always find her doodling and singing at the top of her lungs with her headphones on.

Eli is obsessed with video games. Specifically, Mario, Donkey Kong, and recently Zelda. We play that one together. He plays Breath of the Wild on the Wii while I play Tears of the Kingdom on the switch. He is all love, that boy. He's nice to everyone and bullied by them as well. He treats his little sister like a princess, and I worry about anyone who ever tries to cross her when he's around. He is very protective of her. Of all us girls, really. He wants to be a video game designer or a plushie maker. He also is the only one of my kids who loves reading as much as I do. He loves the Diary of a Wimpy Kid books right now and has a growing collection.

And Lily... sweet little Lily. She is a fireball. She looks so precious and innocent. She's far from it. Her idol is Harley Quinn and if that doesn't tell you all you need to know, I don't know what will. She also loves singing and dinosaurs. She loves dolls. She's a tomboy and will punch you in the face for being mean. She recently found a love of painting, and she is so good at it! Look at those freakin' trees!

These two rooms are the most important ones in this whole place and the only two that haven't been contaminated with the poison that hides in the very back of this place.

I'll show you, but it's gonna get a little dark from here on out. Follow me. Yeah, you're not hallucinating, it did get colder. It's ok. Watch out for the cobwebs and the crawlies. They sneak out all the time. I can't really contain them as much as I wish I could. This giant steel vault is the Trauma room.

Inside of here, every bad thing, every dark memory, and every past pain is packed into cardboard boxes. I've taped 'em shut multiple times and they're getting a little easier to deal with, but cardboard is just thick paper and things like this apparently don't like staying locked away.

You hear that? Listen.

"You're too fat."
"You're too thin."
"Look at what you're wearing."
"You're ugly."
"You'd be so much hotter if you lost weight."
"Guys only like you 'cause you have big boobs."
"You are a terrible writer and a bad singer."
"I hope he comes and gets you soon because I want you gone."
"You're a lukewarm Christian."
"You should be more like your sister."
"We just forgot about you."
"I never had stretch marks, even when I was pregnant."
"Fuck Sara. Fuck Jerimiah. And fuck their weird ass kids."

Yeah... that rooms pretty intense. I hate it, but also... it's what keeps me going. It almost took me out for good, but I remembered who I was and the game changed. I keep that door bolted shut but it shakes all the time and those words don't seem to want to be contained. They somehow do stay locked in ... mostly.. and I try to stay away. But if you look down... see that? Those gross long, thin fingers trying to pry their way out of the cracks? Ugh. I hate them. I think that's how the sound gets out.

I spend my entire day living in here, hyper focusing on things, organizing, creating, and staying constantly busy... specifically to keep this door closed. People always praise me for being so strong or wonder how I do all that I do...

As long as I keep moving, the door stays latched. That's the reason. I try so hard to make sure nothing ever escapes this space... but sometimes, it leaks out anyways. Especially at night.

Every night, I sit outside of this door with my back pressed up against it, using every ounce of my weight to keep it shut and I play the Alphabet Game. Pick a category... Movie titles?

A- A Walk To Remember
B- Bride Of Chucky
C- Corky Romano

Run out of letters? Switch the subject. Keep going. Song titles.

A- All I Need
B- Back In Black
C- Come As You Are

This helps me go to sleep and keeps the nightmares mostly away... and I survive another day in here. This part sucks, but tell me that the Love and Creativity rooms don't make up for that?

For those rooms, I'd do it all over again.