The Struggle to Move On After Crossing Boundaries

I and her have known each other for more than three years, since the time we both stepped into the path of studying abroad.

I don't know why we became closer than others, often going out to eat together, sharing and helping each other. I see her as a younger brother, and she probably sees me as an older sister. Then I had a boyfriend but officially started dating when he returned to Vietnam. We had a long-distance relationship that lasted just over a year. She remained by my side as a friend. Sometimes, my boyfriend even got jealous because I often talked to her.

We communicated practically every day, even if it was only for a few minutes on the phone or a few lines of text. She and I communicated significantly more after I broke up with my boyfriend. I was under a lot of stress during this time because I had to work part-time while also doing my graduation thesis. She was really helpful, frequently inviting me to events and even staying up late to help me edit my thesis. We grew increasingly closer. Then she invited me to join her in the kitchen because I used to cook for her. We used to go out together because neither of us could cook, but then I decided to cook on my own, and she asked me to cook for her,so I agreed. This decision changed my life.

She and I grew closer as we shared more with each other. For a long time, we called each other virtually every evening for 30-45 minutes, and on weekends, we talked all day. We essentially spent weekends together because I frequently went to her house for both breakfast and dinner. I even showered at her house while dressed in her clothing. She was constantly concerned and sympathetic when I had challenges. We went on a group outing, and she was always by my side. Those who were unaware assumed she and I were a couple.

Things happened, and she and I went too far. I felt it was fine, not too bad, given the agony of breaking up with my lover. But I was mistaken. It tormented me since she was my first, and more importantly, I had feelings for her. When I told her, she opted to ignore me, adopting an entirely different demeanor. I started to lose control of myself, still wanting to cook with her although knowing I shouldn't.

After a few talks, she agreed to cook with me again, but I was still skeptical of her actions toward me. She seemed to have lost regard for me. I became much more aware of her actions. I eventually chose not to cook with her, and we didn't talk much for a long. My mood deteriorated, and I was unable to concentrate on critical duties, preferring to keep myself occupied in order to avoid thinking about her.

The more I tried to forget her, the more she came back to me. I then texted her, blaming her and clinging to her. She, like everyone else, got numb to my texts and interactions. That caused me to lose even more control when messaging her. We said things to each other that we shouldn't have. I criticized her for being irresponsible and selfish, and she assumed I contacted her on purpose because others did. She had no idea that for every time I blamed her, I blamed myself ten times. I had to see a psychologist and take antidepressants because I had suicidal thoughts at one time. Fortunately, I was able to cool down after that, attempt reconciliation, and apologize to her.

However, fate seemed to be mocking me. People introduced her to a new acquaintance, and no one knew what happened between us since they assumed we were just normal siblings. Then she and her new acquaintance quickly became a pair. I couldn't take the shock any longer and made the mistake of messaging her again, causing myself grief.

I no longer contact her, but I'm not sure how to deal with her and the new buddy. We're still studying under the same roof, living in the same dorm (if I leave, I won't have enough money). How can I remain calm when I hear people whispering about her and her new buddy, or when I see them smiling and holding hands? It's been nearly a year since that happened, and I'm still in anguish. I just want to stop studying and return to Vietnam, but if I do, I'll have to start over with nothing, and I don't have the confidence to do that. I can longer identify my own emotions.

I wished she had left, and I clung to that mistake in order to forget her. At the time, I frequently blamed myself, claiming that my actions had created all of this chaos. Every night, I'm in so much pain that I just want to grab my phone and call her. How can I get past this? I'm stuck and consider myself to be substandard.