The Remains of 'Him'

by Lauren Oscar about a year ago in breakups

A Portrayal of a Struggle with a Toxic Love

The Remains of 'Him'

It wasn’t a conventional relationship, but she had defined it as a relationship all the same. It had only been 2 weeks, 17 hours and 4 minutes since ‘he’ had last been in her life but for her it had felt like a lifetime had passed. The days were hard; the nights harder. Thoughts of ‘him’ flowed through her mind and the darkness was no comfort. These thoughts consumed her. A deep longing for ‘him’ clawed at her from the inside out, entangling her, like roots of a weed sucking the life from her, sending her in to a pit of sadness. She could waste hours of her life just thinking about ‘him’ all those times together, the laughs, the highs and the lows and then the highs again but if she was truly honest they always came crashing back down. But she often ignored this, choosing to focus on the good times, those times ‘he’ had been there without question. Those times when ‘he’ had been the only thing that had got her through.

As she allowed the longing to take her she thought about the first time they met. It was a house party, a rocking house party when they had first crossed paths. It had been one of those moments that lightening had struck her and she had literally melted on the spot at meeting ‘his’ acquaintance. They were introduced via a friend who you could call mutual. It was an immediate hit and from them she couldn’t get enough. She had laughed about the funniest things in his company, laughing 'til she cried, when ‘he’ had been absent in her life she had been so low, crying like she’d never cried before. Together, in her eyes, they were the dream team and ‘he’ gave her that thing she needed. She could spend hours with ‘him’ in their own little bubble, shutting out the real world, an exclusive, explosive mix of cloud nine highs and devil pit lows. And she knew deep down that she had loved him from that very first touch, that very first encounter sold her. And since that first meeting she made sure that wherever possible, they were inseparable. She had lived for the moments they had shared and there had been many.

Since their first meeting she had been selfish with ‘him’. Choosing to spend their time alone, together without another soul to ruin their unwavering connection. They didn’t go anywhere, no outings or trips out but they stayed in, she was consumed. She felt that ‘he’ was all she needed to the exclusion of all others. Friends called and she ignored them, family visited but she remained distant and unengaging. Their life together had been an isolating affair. The most social they had been was when they had first met. Somewhere along the way she had lost herself and lost everything that had previously meant something. She had allowed ‘him’ to take over her life. ‘He’ had been all that she had needed to the exclusion of all others. Yet, it had gotten to that point where she had had to let him go. Although she longed for him deeply she just couldn’t have him. So at this point in her life when he had been absent for 2 weeks 17 hours and 7 minutes she was feeling so low. ‘His’ absence had rocketed her to her core and she felt so alone.

She was on her own and she had been crying surrounded by a pool of soggy tissues. She pulled herself to her feet as she had done many times, supporting her frail frame on the bathroom sink. She looked at her face in the mirror, her nose was acutely sore, the redness spreading up in to her nostrils, her eyes were bloodshot and tired and her face difficult to recognise from the once bubbly girl that she had been. It was then that she saw it, just poking through a wet tissue; the corner of her phone and she knew she couldn’t stop herself before she dialled. The familiar digits punched in from memory met her shaking fingers and the phone started to ring. The familiar voice at the other end filled her heart with delight, she could barely mumble his name. "Charlie," she whispered. "Two g’s of Charlie, soon as you’re ready." She couldn’t afford it but she would find a way. A smile spread across her face, but her heart sunk a little deeper and the cycle started all over again.

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