The Psychiatrist

The Psychiatrist

Husband Shopping

Match #1

He seemed interesting and compassionate. He was certainly financially stable. We began texting within a day or two after messaging on Match. I am not the most attentive person when it comes to responding. I am a single mom. Constantly busy with work, raising the tiny human, gym, my close friends, and side projects. He appeared to deal with that situation with empathy and kindness, which was important to me. Men that become frustrated too easily could never survive in a relationship with me. He could definitely hold an intellectual conversation. I enjoyed our discussions, for the most part. We also had similar ideas of what a relationship should be like, or so I thought.

Marriage is final and significant to me. Until death do us part. I was engaged to my son’s father. Lord knows, I loved that man. A part of me always will. He was going through too much at that time and everything about the situation was wrong for me & our son. Marriage would not have ‘fixed’ the problem. Marriage should be something healthy. I will never entirely commit until I am absolutely sure.

When the Psychiatrist told me he was married before, that was a big turn off. He was married for over ten years. His reason for divorcing was that she became addicted to opioids and cheated on him. My mind automatically jumped to conclusions, of course. Psychiatrists can write prescriptions… I’m just saying.

I always think of my grandmother’s advice when it comes to these things. She would say, “Is it a deal breaker?” Mehhh ... I am in my 30’s now. Guys that are 32-42 in age are DEFINITELY going to have some sort of flaw or baggage by now. Plus, being a never married, single mom, I guess it would be a bit hypocritical to judge someone for doing the right thing with the wrong person, assuming that was the case. So, I didn’t entirely cancel him out, just took it as a ‘note to self.’

My next ‘note to self’ was the fact that he had 3 whole kids. I get it. I absolutely love the father stepping up with a necessary, full custody situation. Butttt …. Realistically, am I capable of being a stepmother to 3 children I didn’t birth? What happens when my child feels like an oddball because he’s been an only child for so long? If the psychiatrist & I ever get serious, I’m not just breaking up with him. I’m breaking up with him & his 3 kids. Plus, he still lets their mother, (his ex-wife, supposedly an opioid addict,) see them whenever & visit pretty often, and even allows her join them for holiday dinners & events. Three kids could already be too much. Their mom constantly popping up, telling me all his dirty little secrets is an entire other likely possibility. If I was to get stuck in the situation of raising her kids and still having to deal with her, I would resent him for that, no doubt.

But was it a deal breaker? I liked the guy so far. At the end of the day, it’s all about who you’re coming home to and how they deal with helping you cope. Everyone comes with their own sets of problems and annoying characteristics, especially in this age range. It is all about finding that person that you can deal with. The person that is worth the headache. That one guy that makes it all okay at the end of the day. So, was it a deal breaker? Not yet.

One other thing that didn’t add up to me. He was a psychiatrist, but worked from home. Some sort of research position. He mentioned, several times, how he needed to travel for work a few nights a month. The way he worded it seemed as if he wanted to let me know that it was going to become an issue within any potential relationship. Not in a normal way. He brought it up constantly, as if there was an underlying reason.

First of all, I NEED a man that GOES TO WORK. Leaves. Love you, but BYE. I love myself. I love my privacy. I love my SPACE. Maybe I have been single for too long? I cannot see myself having a future with someone that stays home all the time. I need a husband that LEAVES THE HOUSE at least 5 days a week. I had no problem with the idea of him having to “go out of town” for work a few days sometimes. I would actually WANT that if we were ever to become serious and live together. The fact that he works from home was almost an immediate turn-off for me. But, with the COVID-19 situation, almost everything has been virtual.

He supposedly didn’t have a Facebook account because “it’s too much drama.” I never understand when people say that, because there is a ‘block’ option for anyone creating drama. He did add me on Instagram, which I rarely check or use. Everyone has Facebook. When a guy does not, I am automatically suspicious.

We had set a date & time to meet for brunch, all within the same week. I have to see a guy and have that physical vibe in order to feel it actually going somewhere. With virtual dating, it’s a huge waste of time to learn everything about one person, feel connected, then meet them in person and be like NAH. If I think I am interested, I want to meet the guy within the same week. It’s basically a job interview, to an extent.

It was a Monday brunch date. He chose the place, Red Robins. It was super close to my office, very convenient. We were both late, but of course he arrived first. I texted him letting him know I had arrived.

He had never called, which was odd to me. I know we live in this generation of texts now. Most of that is convenient and awesome. However, the chivalry and personal touch died at some point. I like a guy that actually calls.

I saw a guy walking towards the restaurant in my rear-view mirror right after texting him. He had responded saying he would meet me in front of Red Robins. Was this the guy? I hoped not.

I started getting anxiety about the situation, sitting in my car. People meet for dates all the time; I know it’s irrational anxiety. But I still had to calm myself down, relax. Had I just been wasting an entire week of time communicating with someone I will never connect with physically? Is there a better way to screen these types of circumstances? I sat there for at least 5 minutes calming down. I decided that I would never know until I actually stepped outside of my car. I took some deep breaths. I approached the restaurant.

It was the guy.

His posture was terrible. It’s difficult to describe. When a person slouches their shoulders inward and downwards. Turtle back. Sloppy. It didn’t seem to be a disability of the spine or bone structure, just poor freaking posture. It made him at least an inch shorter. I wasn’t raised fancy, by any means, but Geesh. “Sit up straight, shoulders back.” I had British family; this was instilled in me. First impression of him in person was awful posture.

The second thing I noticed was of course his wardrobe selection. Something about a long-sleeved, plaid, button up shirt with bland colors just strikes me as unattractive. His shirt was a blue plaid, but a dull shade of blue. The stripes were even more disturbingly boring, faded red and gray. I guess you can change a man’s shirt preferences though, right?

On Match, he had listed his body type as “average, works out 2-3 times per week,” and his height as 6 ft. I couldn’t really tell. His poor posture hid any possible aspects of a man chest, and noticeably decreased his height. His distracting plaid shirt covered up any possibility of muscles. I guess people have different ideas of what “average” means.

He didn’t try to hug like most guys on a first meet. I was relieved by this, because as we walked inside, I sensed a familiar odor. He smelled like cats. Not at all in a good way. It reminded me of an employee I had years ago. She would come to work with such a strong odor from her cats, that I literally had to have a conversation about hygiene from the complaints. The scent coming from the Psychiatrist wasn’t that strong, but it was certainly present enough for me to hold my breath for a moment.

He was very polite to the hostess as we entered the restaurant. He was quick to answer with seat selections and preferences. That is attractive to me, because I have a tendency of being indecisive.

Sitting across from him, his posture was less annoying. His plaid button up shirt was still exasperating. He wore glasses. His pupils appeared dilated. He had clammy hands. When he smiled, I was super disappointed by his teeth color. They were all perfectly straight, as if he had experienced braces at some point. But they were not white. A faded yellow that matched his dull shirt.

We used our phones to scan the barcode on the table and viewed the menu. The waitress came to take our drink orders. I had water with extra lemon. He ordered a coke. I am not a fan of sodas. I don’t keep them in my house, and very rarely drink them. It is unhealthy for the body, and stains your teeth. I actually brought this up in conversation, but in a super nice way. We continued looking over the menu.

He knew what he wanted as if he had already researched the menu. It took me longer to decide. Red Robins was not a regular restaurant choice for me. I ordered a Caesar Salad with chicken, vinaigrette dressing. I had been on a bit of a health kick since I had started dating again. He ordered a really sloppy burger with fries.

We talked about his kids, my son, and parenting. His children were super sheltered compared to my child. He had a 10-year-old boy, 14-year-old girl, and a 7-year-old girl, (something like that.) I raise my son to be mature, knowledgeable, and independent. His parenting style consisted of still having a babysitter for a 14-year-old, somehow still letting them believe Santa is real, and neglecting them information on subjects that are important to me. My son started classes at a gun range when he was 4, almost 5-years-old. I believe it is important for children to know about gun safety. It is the ignorant ones that accidentally shoot each other because they found a gun, thought it was cool, saw it in a movie. He was impressed by my opinion and technique with this subject, but clearly unexperienced.

Our food arrived. The waitress was perfect. The food looked amazing. Well, his looked unhealthy, like a plate full of carbs. My salad was absolutely delicious.

He continued the conversation about parenting after taking a huge bite of his big sloppy burger. Horrible food selection for a first date. He picked the burger up with his hands, took a bite, and continued talking while chewing his food. My salad was amazing for a few minutes. I had to hold back my gag reflex when a tiny piece of food exited his mouth while he was talking. My appetite was depleted. Who raised this man? We need to have a conversation about table manners!

What he was saying was even more disgusting. He loved the idea of teaching children at a young age about gun safety and other important things. However, he wasn’t knowledgeable enough himself on the subject. I don’t understand how a grown man knows nothing about guns, but apparently it happens. He went on to describe himself as “a bit cowardly.” I was just getting a headache at this point.

My phone was constantly receiving texts. Mostly from work, but I would not have been answering if my interest in him was existent. His phone did not ring or receive messages.

It was time to pay the bill. He pulled out his debit card and used the terminal attached to the table. It was never a question about who was paying, and he made that clear. That is attractive to me. I had hoped he tipped well, because the waitress was awesome.

Neither of us went to the restroom during this dining experience. I used the germ-ex on my way out, though I had not touched any of my food without silverware. I was curious about his cleanliness. He ate that sloppy burger and fries, but did not feel the need to use a sink or germ-ex afterwards.

We walked out together, all the way to my car. His was parked a little further away. He had something for me in his vehicle, so I waited a moment for him to grab it. He came back with a bouquet of carnations. It was very sweet. A couple red roses, a huge yellow flower, some sort of purple flower, and a little green plant. I’m more of a rose bouquet type of girl, but the thought was very nice.

He wanted to know if I had time to go with him to the mall. He had driven 45 minutes for this date, from Spanish Fort to Pensacola. He insinuated that he wanted to take me shopping. I told him I had to get back to work, which was not entirely true. I’m normally not one to turn down a shopping spree. He wanted more time with me. I wanted a cigarette and a strong drink.

When I told him I had to get back to work, he accepted it very understandingly. I was holding the bouquet, sincerely apologizing. He told me "it's okay, I understand." Then it happened. He leaned in for a kiss. If he attempted open-mouth, I wouldn't have been able to deal. But it was a closed mouth, polite type of kiss. Had I been attracted, I would have enjoyed it. I like a guy that is bold enough to go for the kiss at the end of a first date.

I need a man that motivates me to be healthier. A man that is worth my efforts of being my better self. Not a man that makes me relapse into bad habits. I had quit smoking prior to this date. When I left there, I could have taken a pack of cigarettes through an IV. I bought a pack, and went back to work.

The Psychiatrist apparently thought the date went amazing. A human with a doctorate in Psych should be able to read people a little better. I didn’t respond. I am uncertain about the proper way to dismiss a person when it comes to this. I think it would be rude to say, “I’m sorry, I’m just not interested.”

Later that evening, sitting on my balcony, I enjoyed my glass of wine & a cigarette as I reflected on the day. The air was chilling, but not to the point of needing a long sleeve. I took a few moments to just sit and think. Obviously, this date was not perfect. I am a very picky person. Are my preferences too harsh? This is a man that would buy the moon for me and put my son in private school. I would never want for anything. I could change certain things about him, like his wardrobe selection and atrocious cat smell. Posture & teeth is another situation, difficult to mold in a human. Could I even see myself with 3 step children? I would lose my mind.

I pulled out my laptop and returned to Match. The other guy I had been messaging was a Special Ops Military guy. At least he would not describe himself as “cowardly,” or lack knowledge with guns. I didn’t respond to Ray, the Psychiatrist. The Military Special Ops guy would become my Match #2 date.