The Night Before Halloween

Hello! Surprised this is happening again to be honest but here I am, pondering a train station, thinking what has happened. I have been spending so much energy on someone I input so much of my time to & for what? To feel constant hits of positive stride? To feel a sense of wanting. To have someone to talk to every day that you want to talk to? Making decisions with the idea of getting a yes. Maybe I’m looking too into it. Isn’t this what friendship is though, inviting your “friends” to things in hopes that they return the friendship. It must feel nice to present your friends with an opportunity and they agree and equally pay their fair to have a good time around you and those in good company.

Sometimes, I would like to experience what it’s like to have friends who are independently reliable because it’s getting tired to pay for your friends to have experiences with them that they are unable to have themselves. I always felt like I was always invited to things & I had to say yes, so I can keep them while finding ways to make enough money to eat with them because I didn’t have anything. Growing older, it’s getting more difficult to support everyone. I barely support myself let alone everyone. I always would like my friends to experience what I do so we can share & grow together. When their lives go crazy i try to cheer them up and do things for them to pick up their spirits. By risking my time and money I don’t have (credit cards and money for bills) I give them experiences to express my care for them as well as signs of hope and gratitude for their friendship. Times when I don’t want to feel alone I do things and invite those I feel close to in order feel comforted and joy with them.

Doing things alone isn’t so good all the time because when you want to do things with people they either can’t afford to go or miss the chance to go after you already made the payment. The question thus remains, how do you find friends that can help bring you up who also can support themself? There’s no real answer without trial and error. By taking risks and wasting things like time and money, can one verify and understand which person is capable for the job. The thing is, it’s not just finding the right group of people, but also helping yourself. I’m capable to have these group of friends but what if I’m unable to keep up? What if I don’t make enough or can’t make the risks to benefit my friends in hopes that the same is applied? Is having a backup necessary for situations like these? All these questions and more comes to mind and I’m overloaded with anxiety and stress. I’m I worth being around? Do people just not want to be around me? Is it not as easy as getting more efficient people in my circle but those who not only share the same ideals as me but puts them to practice and encourage while sometimes assisting them. Everyday I come across these questions in some shape or form.

Is this what it feels like to be an adult? To be alone with yourself while having others believe that your miserable and unable to be loved and wanted. To jump to the nearest individual who would say yes and enter your life just to be a temporary experience. Is this why my generation doesn’t want to marry or maybe why they marry early to avoid this? I walk along this endless road, through the sands of time. Finding myself while looking for the “right” people in your life to help you be the best person. Every day seems like a piece of sand that stays in your shoe or in your hair, not knowing the lasting effects it can have. It’s fair to wonder if you’re the problem all along, but staying positive is what’s necessary to move on, like some say. Well, I continue on in positivity and hopes to find the right people to complete my circle on this journey to self happiness.