The Love of Chaos

LOVE

What is it? what is it about love that makes us so crazy? what makes our human beings lose control of our own sense of reality because of love? is that even what love is to begin with? The thoughts that run through my heart.

While many of these conceptualized questions bring some perception to a bigger idea, we can only see the start of an expansive answer from that one small step of moving. That step had ended up taking a toll on me into a deeper ripple effect towards the outwardly widespread of a surfaced answer and a descending or raising form from that one step to the darkness of who we are. It confuses me yet I understand that I can't put it into a box of categories, like many of our beautiful beings.

Love cannot be put into any form of category; it can be explained scientifically; a release of the dopamine chemical as a reward based off the action of the other person. For example, paying attention to your needs, buying you flowers, giving you chocolates, getting compliments by the person you are emotionally involved with, and even the touch of this person. It just makes you feel good, releasing that chemical, but we live in a society of selfish love, the desire of constant reward of dopamine because of our wounds that were not healed from childhood programming. This causes a backlash of change, at first, the resistance of change seems more of a riot towards uncertainty, trying to keep old, outdated programming because it is comfortable and is what we know of love: constant approval seeking, begging for what we want, playing games to gain a lasting love, but in reality, it is the turning of the next page. Allowing the next chapter of an unknowing peace into each other's life; the unknown of true love with self, the non-needy, non-jealous, self- centered, and not selfish love that comes without a fight or push into our perspective hearts. But that idea of it being real, it alone makes us lose senses of how to find it, when in reality its already found within ourselves yet we find it difficult to feel because of what we are used to, toxic love.

When you find the complete opposite of what love is being portrayed as our reality, something not toxic, painful or hurtful towards yourself and mental state, what do you think happens to the wounded child inside? Another level of healing, pain, and pure exploration.

What I find intriguing is the exploration of innocence towards this aspect of real love, the expression of true love between each other as a one. We understand those aspects of our shadow self that many have an issue to even comprehend let alone let go. With the natural thought process of a primitive conscious run by their own sole sexual emotions, the sexual being that only has the sense of knowing through feelings, that consciousness turned into, what we see as, a humanistic thought of empathy towards our animalistic patterns and changing the program to a dualistic or neurologic state of push and pull. The magnetism of our entity of a higher awareness passing through the bodily motion of push and pull, the unspoken truth of two puzzle pieces finding the fitting side but pushing apart because of unsettling energies around each other.

This beautiful push of accepting a slow-paced, growing-high energetic quality form.....but like all humans, we sit there and destroy our awareness because of the pain of others that will be involved or already involved. Honestly, how many times does this need to happen for me to understand that opening my heart and mind does not involve another person? how do we sit there and just calmly feel like everything was alright with us? That nothing of this life did not matter towards either of our lives, yet still run our life? Do you want to be something with me or am I just adding more problems to my mental health? are you even real or were you just created in my mind?

Maybe I should think twice about this, would this damage my own mental health? Am I just finding love with myself? do i love myself? How far do i need to go to find myself again? The inner result of dissecting the final pieces towards our natural beings, the inner turmoil's and confusing movements of this spiraled reality of just being in love with me.

LETTING GO

Even with the greater understanding, I still can't help but feel lost in the void of my own vortex, slowly falling into the depth of an existent fairy tale that only exist in my own dreams. Honestly, holding onto the depth of this physical reality, has brought me more misunderstandings and heartbreaks, a never-ending feeling of never being able to feed my soul with satisfaction. This is only but a consistent pattern towards my own self-sabotaging patterns: the unconscious thought process of not wanting to feel abandon again. The more I question, the more I suffer, the more I allow the pain to engulf me into the flames of desire, the more clearly I see. In a way I must give thanks to what i have in my life, i must give thanks towards what i let go in my own life and just be okay that i can't control you or anything else around me. I can only but understand and maneuver my emotions and thought patterns towards a place of gratitude and self-acceptance, allowing me to move with the ease of the winds as i change with the seasons. What a pity that you could not ride my wavelength, but honestly i am the one ashamed for i had believed you were separate of me when in reality i was always with you.

TIME IS BUT A BEATING DRUM

Every second, every minute, every hour and every day has something to offer. With a step, a thought or an emotion towards that time, we cause a ripple effect of unprecedent destruction to create a world of ultimate creativity. As i tick and as i swing, my body can't help but jolt by the sound of your name, you constantly ring in my ears and speak to me in my time of need. But where am I when you need me? can i sit there and actually be what it is you need from me even though I am but falling apart within my own being? With excuses, and fears, I'm tired of hearing my demons yell in my ears. "You're running out of time, and have no place to go, with no form of property and not a single thing that is yours, why still live?" Why can't i just hear those beautiful words of " you're doing great and doing your best , you don't need to faulter into the dark of that ticking drum, you have so much more worth fighting for don't let them win another round, you know that the game has only begun" father why must i sit here and take the troubles of others away and only have myself to sit here and cry it away, im tired of fighting, what can i say ? would me leaving time make all those demons go away? You seem so sure that i am capable of being more than human, yet it seems like I am only but a human, with sticks and stones that only break my bones and words that break open my old wounds, it seems I've lost the battle while the war rages on, just end my suffering i rather be where I call home. With judgement and pity in everyones eyes, why can't they just see the love that is inside. I seem to break so easily when things don't go my own way, with time being a persistent pressure for me to stay, i just want to fly away without time, why did I push away, why can't you just be mine. This hold has enclosed me into 1,000 shackles, with time as my prison guard, the warden and my defending lawyer, it seems like there is no way out of this controlling order. With lights so bright it gave me a freight I did not expect for you to come through the speed of your own light, the perfect timing. Realistically it was never meant to be, yet you felt so undeniably meant for me. I can't believe this game keeps playing when will i understand the pain that keeps begging, i want your love but not from the outside of my own energetic being. Finally, it's being shown to me that i am my only demon, with time as my lover and emotions as my chains i am letting myself fall into the unprecedent end, goodbye to time hello my rhymes you will no longer see me faulter through the lines.