Awakening

Awakening

At the age of 15, I had known I would have a son.

In the world of motherhood, we deal with so many different aspects of life. Not only are we mothers, but we are teachers, doctors, and therapists.

A god within the eyes of my child, the creator of its making into this world.

I used to think that I understood intimacy, but then I was alone with my fetus growing within. It was March 15, 2020, I had been pregnant for one month, and now we are forced to stay inside because of an airborne disease. Is it not the way the flu travels? Quite honestly, who cares if the world ends? Seems like the best option for these narcissistic, selfish people who take advantage of the earth that graces us with abundance.

What was that thing in the bible? The New Testament describes a world in fire after the rapture, well I have sinned father for my child was damn at the moment of conception. Yet the world is an illusion, it does not exist, but it is real in this one life.

How can I raise a child in this world of confusion, “You should have thought about that when you were having intercourse without protection” Thank you Captain Obvious, I knew this, it is why I was so adamant on Plan- B when slip-ups happened. “Still pointless when you don’t even remember in time”.

I lay, Self-pity, is an addiction within my circle. “Poor me, this is what happened, poor me” I exhale a sigh, “Why must we ruminate what happened” Because mind, I have nothing else to do but lay in these feelings of betrayal, pain, broken heart. You were supposed to love me enough to treat me as a human, yet you treated me like an object for entertainment.

COVID-19, people died, humans hurt other humans, children no longer felt safe, predators ran loose, and yet we are only seeing the beginning of what hides in the dark. You think you are scared until you realize that no one will save you when society falls. Truth is coming out left and right, congressmen and celebrities aid in the destruction of beautiful innocent souls for fame and profit, something they will not take with them when they die. “What is the purpose of you thinking of the world, no one cares enough to save it” That is the problem mind, no one cares enough and as I sit in this dark room accepting that no one cares, the worse I feel because I care, I just do not know how to help. “Worry about yourself, no one cared to worry about you anyways, you see it in the darkroom by yourself” Christ's sake mind, give me a break. You are cynical and deeply flawed because you cannot see that this is just a cry for help. The inner children of those who never felt safe are acting out their traumas in ways they can try to comprehend and compartmentalize why it happened to them through another child.

I break, this is horrible God, we live in a world full of darkness, and I am born in this moment bearing a child, what is my purpose? I can only cry, I hear all the children crying and see everyone suffering yet I am here complaining about a life that never happened, it was all an illusion.

Proposition

Where do we go as a society now? We see all this pain and yet we will still silently allow the suffering because our demons have us locked in chains. Humanity is dying, planet Earth is dying, and we are letting it happen before our eyes because we are all stuck in trying to move forward from COVID-19. But COVID-19 moved on from us the day it happened; we are all just holding on to stories that no longer exist. “Unless someone like you cares a whole lot then change can happen.”

Stand up for yourself and those around you, yeah, we are all pieces of shit, every one of us on this planet has gone through some awful shit one way or another. Every one of us is born with flesh regardless of color, gender, or preferences. But I am tired of being part of a majority that believes they are victims only, who believe they do nothing to contribute to this chaos.

Every one of us contributes, when you do not choose to help, you choose to stay silent. You choose to deny the truth, you choose to ignore the ones that are in desperate need. All for what, convenience? Peace of mind? How would peace of mind happen if our entire reality is going to collapse into bits and pieces of terrifying scenarios and experiences that will scar future generations, not only us. It is time we communicated as a community the injustices we have reached within ourselves and our people because, at the end of the day, we matter. It is time for action and innovation, for the future is beautiful through creativity and compassion. But we do this through honesty not manipulation, through transparency not with walls, through strength not by accommodating a minority. Understand, the system will always be flawed because it does not consider the human, it only considers entities, the cloned identity of who you are, that truly does not exist. We must accept that the world we live in is designed as a problem, and we all have the skills, desires, and talents to solve the problem for man are problem solvers, innovators, and creators, not the tools that we use. Stop identifying with material, for it is not you, it is only but a mere illusion of what you are. Breathe and sit with yourself and understand the relationship with your very own maker, for we all come from somewhere.

This, is true intimacy, to understand the connection between you and me and everyone in between. To accept the flaws of our system as our own doing and find a way to create it into something more beautiful. To reveal that we all love the system of problems we live in, like a toxic relationship, but it is time to say goodbye to the lover who brings pain and say hello to the lover who is ready for change and evolution towards a union, not a division. “One for all and all for one.”