The Knowing

Yes, I understand, but….yes, I know, but….Please, is there anything you can do?.... I know, I know, but….Yes, I was late month too, but this is different…..Yes, I know I said that but…. Friday? Yes, I will have it Friday. Thank you! Thank you! Bye by(click)

“Mommy?” his voice sounds three years younger than he is, and mommy comes out in a tone that is more concern than question. For some reason, that innocent, yet caring tone, cuts deeper than that prick of a landlord. I fear that if I turn around and the eyes of that precious child find mine, I will break. Be brave, Sammy. Be brave for him. As I begin to steel my nerves, again that soft, well-meaning voice “mommy?”

“What’s up, little man!” Did I sound convincing? Could my strong yet sensitive little man hear me forcing down tears? Damnit Sammy, nut up for once. You’re the parent! Let him be the child. For a few more days, at least. Now blink away those tears, put on your best Sunday smile, and be the friggen adult for a change!

Oh man, look at him. So cute when he looks so concerned. He is going to break my heart. He looks like a puppy that just pissed on the rug and is sad because he knows he disappointed you. Fuck, we never got him a puppy. Fred was the one that promised him a puppy, and then Fred…. Hold it together, Sammy. Send Kyle away before you lose it.

“You know what we are going to do, buddy?” That’s right keep your voice light.

“What?” at it least it wasn’t in his almost a baby voice.

“We are going to the park. Go put on your shoes, grab our gloves, and a baseball. Front porch in 3 minutes. Go!Go!Go!”

Thank God. Park was barely out of my mouth, and his eyes, those beautiful blue eyes, lit up as if a switch was turned on. He better get used to the park, because if you don't fix this, that's where we gonna be living. Ha! One bridge at a time.

Ok Sammy, now what? Mom and Dad? What is that, some kind of sick joke? Come on, think. Who do we know that can help us? You mean, who do we know that we don’t already owe money to? No more cash advances from the restaurant, Vinny has been very clear about that. Hell, we are already into half the staff for $300. $400, you already forgot about that hundy from Marge. Fuck, I forgot about Marge. You know she didn’t. Arggg!

You know what you have to do.

No, I won’t do it.

You have no choice.

The bike is not an option. Kyle loves that bike. It’s all he has left from Fred.

Where are going to store that damn thing if we don’t have a place to live.

I cannot sell the bike.

What are you going to do then, Sammy!

I do not know.

Oh baby, this bike still gets me going. As much as I loved to tell Fred that my favorite thing was for him to be cruising down the beach with my arms around his chest and my legs gripping his waist, but in reality, it was when we were stopped at a red light and that engine just rumbled. Oooohh. The asphalt trembled under those wheels and I could just die with …. Sammy, Sammy!

Snap out of it. This isn’t the tyme for a stroll down memory lane. Clean the bike and call Rick.

I can still smell salt, crappy aftershave, and leather. I swear I can even…

Sammy. Bike. Clean. Rick!

Screw Rick!

Remember, it’s not permanent.

Yeah right. I give him the bike, I get six months free rent, and Kyle loses his inheritance. Big win for us.

Not if you pay him back in full.

Fat chance.

Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. You got this.

I have to admit, after a scrubbing. That’s one sexy bitch.

Remember when Fred said that about you?

No, the bike was always his sexy bitch, I was his hot momma.

Ok, hot momma check the saddlebags before calling Rick. Kyle might have some toys in there.

No toys, but there is a notebook.

Kyles?

No. What the hell? Why in God’s good name did Fred have a little black book filled with girls and phone numbers? What the….

Ok, Sammy, you have gone over that notebook for hours now. Give it a rest. It is going to drive you crazy.

Give it a rest? Give it a rest? I just found a book that my husband kept secret from me, filled with more than 50 bitches names, and you want me to give it a rest!

Calm down, let’s think this….

Calm down? The man I thought who loved me was apparently cheating on me with half of Biloxi, and you want me to calm down.

You don’t know anything for sure. Think for a moment, this is Fred we are talking….

I KNOW WHO WE ARE TALKING ABOUT! THE ONLY MAN I EVER LOVED. My heart. My heart is brea…my heart is breaking all over again.

Hello, may I speak with Carolyn?

This is a mistake. Besides, all five numbers for this Carolyn person have been wrong. Give it a rest.

Hi Carolyn, this Samantha Wintry, I was calling to ask you about …

She sounds beautiful and dangerous. Friggen homewrecker. Stay nice, this isn’t high school.

….. how you knew my husband, Fred….. Does it matter how I got your number? I have it, and I want ANSWERS.

Slow your roll, Sammy.

…..Fine…. ok fine, I found your number in a little black book I came across in Fred’s bike…..No, I haven't called anyone else….. I called you because your name is the only one listed several times….

Keep it together, girl.

Meet you? Why?..... What could we possibly discuss? I just want …….Wait, what?...... How much for the book?.....

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It’s not too late to back out of this.

I have to know. Plus, it’s $10,000.

Calm yourself then. Don’t get all crazy if you find out Fred was a lying, cheating, asshole, and you don’t get the money. Double whammy!

I’m scared.

She’s going to be here soon. Go freshen up, get a shot, and take deep breaths. You got this.

I can’t… don’t have this….This was a huge mistake… I’m out of…

Too late.

Oh my God, she's pretty.

Stop that.

No wonder Fred fell for her.

Do not defend him. Get through this first. Deal with Fred later.

“Carolyn?” Of course, it's her. Tall, tanned, stunning.

“Did you bring the book?” Straight to the point. What was more unsettling? Her eyes, the color of an exotic cat, or the power in her purring voice?

Don’t let your guard down, Sammy. Stay on point. Get the money. Slap the hussy. Get out.

“Uh… yes,” too much uncertainty in my voice, “Yes. Do you have the money?”

That’s right. You take control.

“Barkeep, when you get a chance,” Her voice just slides through the air like a virus, infecting everything. I bet she gets a martini or a Cosmo or some shit. “Draft beer and a shot of tequila, no lime.”

Wipe that surprised look off your face. She’s messing with you.

“What did Freddy tell you about that book?” Freddy? Since when did he go by… “The book, how much do you know about it?”

"Well, FRED, never mentioned this book. I found it in one of his saddlebags." Take a sip of your wine, Sammy. Stay focused.

“Who have you told about it?” She doesn’t even flinch when I correct her. Her voice, her pleasant voice with a soft purr is missing something. What is wrong wi…

Don't worry about her voice right now. Worry about the money. This is a game-changer.

“No...Nobody. I haven’t told anybody, because I don’t know anything about it.” Take a breath, stay focused, “I just want to know how you knew my husband.”

“And the money,” her voice is missing something important. What is wrong with her voice? “don’t forget the money. That’s the real reason.”

“Yes, the money too, but” Keep your own voice calm. “I want to know why my husband had yours and dozens more names and numbers hidden away from me.”

“You want to know if I was sleeping with him.” Humor? Is she amused by me?

Sammy, stay cool.

That’s what’s been missing from her voice, emotion. Her voice is soft and smooth, but there is no heart attached to it. She is just a beautiful creature with no soul. Haha. The perfect woman. I bet she has no female friends. She couldn’t hide it from other women. Men? Sure. They would look at her, get wrapped up in her eyes, and believe that purring voice for love. Idiots.

“No. I bet he did sleep with you or at least wanted to.” Confidence voice time, “I am curious as to why this little black is worth $10,000.”

Now take another sip of wine and observe.

Nothing. No flash in her eyes. No wrinkle on her brow. No flush in her cheeks. Absolutely nothing. Is she a friggen statue come to life like in that Vanna White movie, oh what was the name….

Focus.

It’s her turn to drink. First the shot, then a moment later the beer. No, oh God face, you normally make after tequila either. Am I falling in love?

Focus.

“How about this?” This is where the bad guy spills the plans, right? “How about I give you $20,000, and don’t answer any of your questions?”

What the literal….

Did she say…

Yep, $20,0000.

Slide the book over now!

“I need to take a powder” Have you ever said that before in your life?

Do not, and I mean do not forget your purse.

This is important, Sammy. Calm down and think.

$20,000! $20,000!

You know you have to take the money, right?

What the hell is going on?

A new start.

What the hell was Fred into?

It doesn’t matter. All that matters is what this means for Kyle.

And what, spend the rest of my life wondering.

Hmmm, either wonder and have a fresh start, or be broke and know for sure. Is it even a question?

Yes, it’s a question. I have to know, don’t I?

No, you don’t. This is finally moving to Colorado money. This is taking care of Kyle money.

I can do that with $10,000.

Ha, nope. 10 grand will get you another crappy car and nine months’ rent, and you are right back to where you started.

Ohh, that bitch is good.

Don’t worry about her.

Worry about Kyle.

What about me? When do I worry about me? Don’t I deserve to know if my marriage was a lie or not?

Will knowing for sure make Kyle’s life any better?

Arrggg!

How about this? Fred was a blackmailer.

A blackmailer?

Yeah, Fred was blackmailing a bunch of wealthy, powerful people, and that woman was his partner. And Fred died just before he had a chance to pull the plug.

Pull the plug?

I don’t know how blackmail works.

So, live the rest of my life believing Fred was a scumbag? Is that your solution?

Does it matter?

Yes. I need to believe the past 12 years meant something. The last 12 years were real.

That's bullshit, Sammy. You just think that if Fred was not perfect, and was a cheating asshole, that your pain will go away. And you are willing to sacrifice Kyle's future for your own selfish reasons.

That’s not ….

Yes, it is and you know it. Say it!

No!

Say it!

I... I ca...

Yes, you can. Say it!

I want the pain to go away. I can’t stand it anymore. If he was a cheating asshole, then I can stop loving him. There are you happy?

No.

I’m going to take the money.

Good girl.