The Insecure giver.

Why is this person buying me things? Why has this person offered to take me away to a beautiful destination? Why is this person not letting me pay my way?

Now there may be a divide of opinions on this particular subject but I wanted to explore it anyway. How does it make you feel when somebody spends their money on you? Most people love it. Who doesn’t enjoy a nice gift from someone they care about or a surprise trip to a new location? These things are lovely and a wonderful gesture of course, reliant on the idea that these gestures are coming from a good place. Unfortunately some of us can fall trap to people who are insecure givers.

The ‘Insecure giver’ also referred to as the well known Idiom, ‘the Indian giver,’ is a person who gives in order to receive. It is an uncomfortable feeling and I think it is something that happens often but falls under the radar very frequently. Many people may feel obligated to return the favour if someone has spent money on them or treated them to something extravagant, but this is not how it should be. The idea that we want to give something to someone we care about or treat them to a nice experience, should come from a true and honest place.

I have lost count of the amount of times that someone has done something nice for me only to be stung with a nasty backlash of ‘but I did this for you’. Nothing angers me more than someone who thinks that they have a hold over you just because they opened their purse or wallet for something that was in fact their own choice or idea. We need to lose this type of trader mindset where exchange is expected to happen from an unprovoked financial gesture. Furthermore, those who use the gesture of overtly giving as a form of emotional blackmail or manipulation in order to make that person feel bad or as if they ‘owe’ them something in return needs to stop.

So what about if someone is giving financially to another in order to create a false sense of entitlement over another individual or even to try and gain control over another person. What if that person was creating a false sense of security toward the receiver to make them feel momentarily safe? Or perhaps this person was using their financial power in order to try and secure some sort of emotional gain over the other. This is the definition of an insecure giver. From my spiritual learning and understanding, we do not owe anyone. We do not owe them our time, we do not owe them our presence and we do not owe them our emotions. When we really try to understand an insecure giver, is it someone who believes they can buy other people’s affection or love. Effectively this links heavily to people pleasing. People who people please are trying to gain recognition, usually from the person they are trying to please. When this type of obedience is not returned it can cause a feeling of rejection or betrayal which can sometimes cause the individual to become nasty or demanding.

So how do we protect ourselves from the blindness of insecure giving and the lack of genuine gratitude that comes with it. We must first ensure that when receiving a gift or ‘good deed’ from another individual, that the lines are not blurred. It’s important that both people are on the same page and I believe that this is something that needs to happen more often.

Ideally we should live in a world where people can do things for other people selflessly. It shouldn't feel like a burden to accept a good will gesture from another individual. If people can learn to see their favour or kind gesture as something to be accepted with gratitude, then it will be seen as generosity. The reward we get from doing something nice for someone else should be more than enough to make us feel satisfied, the fact that we have helped someone else unselfishly.

When people learn to become less selfish with their extension of help or gifts to others this is when they will begin to understand the true meaning behind giving without the expectation of receiving.