The Importance Of Meaningless Conversation

There is a term for what many people consider to be a meaningless conversation or useless communication, and the term is ‘Phatic’. Some might call it ‘small talk’ or ‘chit chat’ and believe that it serves no useful purpose. I disagree.

So what exactly is Phatic Chat? The word is from the Greek language and literally means ‘Spoken’. One informative definition is as follows.

“Phatic communication is popularly known as small talk: the nonreferential use of language to share feelings or establish a mood of sociability rather than to communicate information or ideas.”

Nordquist, Richard. “Phatic Communication Definition and Examples.” ThoughtCo, Aug. 25, 2020, thoughtco.com/phatic-communication-1691619.

Breaking the ice

Phatic phrases are to promote and uphold human warmth. In this way, phatic language is an ice-breaker that we utilize to avoid uncomfortable situations. A perfect example of this is the way in which the Spanish people go about their daily business, as opposed to how the British tend to go about theirs. I am speaking on this subject with some authority as I am British and lived a great many years in Britain and in Spain.

If you get into an elevator in Spain with another person whom you do not know from Adam, I can guarantee you will come out of that elevator with you and Adam the best of friends. As the elevator door closes, almost immediately the Spaniard will say, in Spanish or in English, “How are you?” or “It’s cold today isn’t it?” It would be considered very rude not to respond. And before you know it, you will be deep in conversation.

In the same situation, this time you get into the elevator with a Brit, and not a single word will pass between you. For the duration of the entire journey to the top or bottom floor, a stone cold silence will prevail and you will both leave the elevator exactly as you entered it, perfect strangers.

When somebody you do not know says “How are you?” they are not expressing concern for your well-being so much as avoiding an uncomfortable silence. However, if you choose to reply that you have just lost your mother, I like to think that most civilized people will sympathize.

When I lived in Spain and my children visited, they were always very surprised when perfect strangers in the street would say “Hello, how are you?” to me as they passed. My daughter would say “Who was that, Dad?” She always looked at me with a dumbfounded expression when I replied “I haven’t got a clue who he (or she) is, darling.”

As a species, we are sociable by nature. We do not like to pass through this life, or this world, all alone. We do not like to call out in the dark only to be rewarded with an eerie silence.

Validation

It has been said by many linguistic observers that on average, we speak about then thousand words a day. It may surprise you to know that a very high percentage of the words spoken are simply repetitions of the same phrases, such as “Good morning/afternoon/evening,” “How are you” or “How do you do?” These are not simply ice-breakers, they are in a way seeking validation of existence. To misquote the French mathematician and philosopher, Rene Descartes, who proclaimed cogito, ergo sum, (Latin: “I think, therefore I am) “I speak (and somebody responded) therefore I am.”

Other phrases like “It’s cold, isn’t it?” are seeking validation of our experience of our existence. Perhaps the other person is not cold, which may mean that there is something wrong with my perception or with the perception of the other person. Or the other person is simply being disagreeable or does not want to strike up harmless small talk. Perhaps they are just not in the mood for some phatic, meaningless chit-chat.

Meaningless Adjectives

Another group of words, or phrases, which are being devalued by virtue of being deemed meaningless, are adjectives such as “Well done.” It may well be that such phrases have arrived at this point due to overuse. Yet we should not underestimate the power of such phrases.

As young, developing children, we are subject to the binary principle of pleasure and pain. Good actions, or satisfactory work, are rewarded with kind words. Bad actions, or unsatisfactory work, are rewarded with harsh words. The latter may have the effect of making us feel depressed, sad, and discouraged, the former produces a dopamine hit which makes us feel good, encouraged and motivated. A “Well done,” is a verbal cuddle, a stroking of the brain.

Many young children, deprived of such kind words, feel alienated from their parents and grow up to be adults constantly seeking, or hopefully expecting, approval for what they do. When as adults they do not get what they were hoping for, like the young child, they can feel sad, depressed, discouraged, and demotivated. When they do get the “Well done” they were hopeful of, they feel good (Mister Dopamine strikes again) and go on to continue with their progress in occupational or personal development and growth. As with phatic conversation, the adult subject is seeking the validation that was missing in their early years.

It is these so-called meaningless linguistic devices that help us all to develop and grow into well-balanced, healthy individuals who feel that they can make a meaningful contribution toward highly rewarding social interactions and individual attainment. And I believe that if we insist on such devices being meaningless, then that would be a lamentable retrograde step on our journey through life.