The Hidden Factor That Determines How Others Treat Us

Perhaps you believe that the way other people treat you is entirely dependent on what they think of you. That is true in part. But there is something else about you that affects their reaction, and actually triggers it - often without you even knowing.

Our reality is not formed by what we SEE in front of us, but by our PERCEPTION of it. In other words, how we interpret what we actually see, which is shaped by our experience of family, culture, race, religion, gender, in particular, and our beliefs. Thus whatever we perceive makes up our unique reality, which is likely to be different from that of everyone else.

I will illustrate this with two scenarios, the first is an ancient anecdote about The Blind Men and the Elephant:

Several blind men were trying to describe an elephant. Each man touches a different part of the elephant and describes what he feels. One man touches the tail and thinks it’s a rope, while another touches the trunk and believes it’s a snake. Each man’s perception of the elephant is different, based on his limited experience and perspective caused by his blindness and actual life experience so far.

For an even ore relevant illustration, imagine three people standing beside each other, each one staring at the same scene or object: one a Christian, one an Atheist, and one a Muslim, to see how individual perception would decide how each interprets the view: whether it is acceptable or offensive, relevant or meaningless. In effect, each person will see what they are socialised to see (their perception) based on the background elements mentioned earlier. Hence why perception is such a powerful force in our lives, making it difficult to negotiate or even agree with one another.

How Perception Works

The way we navigate our personal and professional lives is entirely determined by three distinct mirrors of perception:

1. How we see ourselves

2. How we view our world

3. How we are perceived by others

All three views are also influenced by our confidence and self-esteem, especially in the perception of ourselves, which actually affects everything else, like:

• The way we feel inside our own skin;

• The extent to which we like what we see in the mirror;

• The value we place upon ourselves;

• Our culture and life quality;

• The achievements we’ve had;

• What potential we acknowledge;

• The power and authority we have relating to others.

Furthermore, if those three main mirrors are warped by insecurity, ego, or lack of awareness, it can distort reality and create significant mental and emotional issues.

1. The Internal Mirror - How We Perceive Ourselves

Our self-perception sets the foundation for how we allow ourselves to be treated, especially relating to what we believe we deserve. If that perception is distorted through poor life experiences, and negative feelings of emotion, it cements a perceived low esteem in our own eyes, convincing us that we are inadequate, or destined to be ‘second-best’.

For example, if we perceive ourselves to be worthless, we appear more victims than victors; we tend to dread all new experiences, and mainly negative things seem to happen to us. Our world does not seem half as pleasant or enjoyable as that of others. We also get stuck in the past, which tends to look better, and we can be hard work for other caring people who have to bear the brunt of this negativity in their effort to keep us happy. Often they give up with frustration and leave us to it by avoiding us at every opportunity.

In essence, when our internal mirror is clouded by self-doubt, a distorted, negative self-perception emerges which keeps us feeling anxious, low in confidence, and emotionally paralysed. Worst of all, over time, this negative self-perception robs us of essential self-love and self-respect which encourages us to build unnecessary defensive barriers out of fear; or conversely, we allow ourselves to be relegated to being an afterthought in our relationships and careers because we lack the self-assurance to stand our ground as an equal.

On the reverse side of this, an inflated, artificial self-perception tends to create a fragile ego that demands constant attention and validation. It traps us in a performance mindset, where we tend to value superficial status and rewards over genuine growth.

2. The External Lens - How We View Our World

Our worldview is the chief catalyst in how we interpret the actions, intentions, and opportunities around us.

For example, if we feel low and inadequate, we also view our world in a worthless way. Everything we do tends to become a hassle. Our world is likely to appear as more hostile, dangerous, and a highly critical place, making us approach life with a hyper-vigilant mindset. This endless overthinking only feeds our fear, reinforces our defence mechanisms, and encourages us to stay detached to avoid uncomfortable or negative consequences.

By allowing doubt and cynicism to set our rules of engagement, we determine the depth of our connection to the world, exactly in the manner our fears desire - at a safe, emotionally insulated distance; a distance we tend to mistake for safety, when in reality, it simply deprives us of reciprocity, turning life’s discoveries into a self-serving kind of emotional survival.

We are also likely to view the world through a scarcity lens that causes us to treat interactions as transactions rather than opportunities for mutual growth. But this only breeds personal envy, prevents collaborative partnerships, and makes us blind to the abundance of affection, support, and opportunity that are right in front of us.

3. The Social Reflection - How We Are Perceived by Others

Perception is so powerful, it is actually the hidden factor that immediately affects how others see us.

For example, if you told someone that you are a fighter, depending on how you look, and coupled with their own prejudice, they would perceive you to be either the brawling street type, or a professional boxer. Looking very confident and successful would help to maintain the professional perception. Worst of all, because the way others perceive us affects the quality of the life we lead, and the opportunities to enhance ourselves, a poor self-perception leads to an equally negative perception by others, which keeps us in the same groove of limited experiences.

However, while we cannot control the minds of others, becoming overly dependent on - or completely blind to - their perception can be very painful. If we allow the uncaring or superficial perceptions of others to determine our value, we inadvertently feed an unhealthy interaction. For example, for an overbearing partner or colleague, an excess of attention and uncritical acceptance simply feeds their ego, reinforces their unwanted behaviour, and places them in a perceived status above us.

By caring too much about maintaining a certain image, we also allow others to treat us as dispensable. We inadvertently hand over the keys to our power, letting them set the rules, set the tone of the relationship, set the degree of connection, and ultimately dictate the results exactly in the manner they desire. It effect, it encourages them to take us for granted and mainly please themselves.

It is important to know that when a relationship or workplace dynamic is built on mismatched perceptions, it ceases to be a partnership of equals. It becomes a self-serving arrangement that suits the other party’s intent and boosts their esteem at one person’s expense, leaving that person trapped in a cycle of constantly trying to prove their worth to an audience that has already decided their value.

Please bear in mind that other people cannot view us in a better light than we view ourselves. That might happen on initial impact, without too much information to go on. However, once we start to act in a certain way, establishing a definite pattern, it gives the green light to others to form judgements about us. The initial high expectation is likely to fall to coincide with our own low esteem, or vice versa. Hence the old maxim of having to ‘prove’ ourselves in any new situation.

Yet all we are really doing when we ‘prove’ ourselves is matching the perception of others to the reality we perceive for ourselves in our bid to impress them. This is most obvious in the perception of partners toward each other, once they are in a relationship; or the perception of workers trying to please colleagues, or their boss. It’s the individuals themselves who invariably set the standards by which they are treated.

So, if you have been feeling some disappointment at the reaction of others towards you, start looking to yourself first for the answer.

• How much do you value yourself, and how are you treating YOU at this moment?

• Are you putting up with unacceptable behaviour for an easy life?

• To what extent is that causing people to treat you in exactly the same way?

There is a definite connection between your action and the reactions of other people, and answering those questions truthfully is a very good place to start identifying that connection and addressing it in some way.