The Happiness Guide to Self-Compassion

You are a kind man. A caring person. A sympathetic person.

To other people.

But you hold yourself to a higher standard.

When you make mistakes, you're hard on yourself. Judge for yourself. You tell yourself you need to do better.

Although a part of you thinks you're doing this to keep yourself honest, perfect and hold up to the high standards expected of the world around you, another part of you -- a small, delicate, frazzled part -- wishes you could let it go.

Because when you feel shame, blame, or guilt for your past mistakes, that negativity affects your view of the world like a dark glass that casts everything into shadow.

This mistake sometimes crosses your mind. You replay it over and over again. You can imagine how other people would react if they knew your guilty secret.

You suffer.

But it doesn't have to be this way.

The practice of self-compassion can help us forgive ourselves. We can still take responsibility for things we think we screwed up in the past, we can still take action, and the practice of self-compassion even means we're more likely to achieve our goals.

What happens when we don't move on

Have you read Great Expectations by Charles Dickens? Miss Havisham (played by Helena Bonham Carter in the 2012 film version) embodies this perfectly. She lives in a huge mansion, her biggest mistake fossilized around her.

When she was young, she fell in love with a man who cheated her out of her inheritance and left her on the altar.

A proud and passionate young woman who spent the rest of her life alone in a ramshackle mansion, never taking off her wedding dress, with an uneaten wedding cake on the table in front of her. Oh, just one shoe.

She could not forgive herself. Move on. In the story, her life and the lives of several others are destroyed.

Few of us externalize our shame in this way, but I think many of us can look within ourselves and see the wedding cake teetering on the table.

I'd love to. I was driven to do things well - to make things perfect. I can see myself clearly in Brene Brown's definition of the perfectionist mind:

"If I look perfect, live perfect, and do everything perfect, I can avoid or reduce the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame."

It's hard to have. Because of this definition, I admit that in my efforts to be perfect, I am imperfect.

Work in progress

But I know that when we are able to forgive ourselves, we accept our failures, our imperfections -- our humanity -- and we can move on and be ready to try again.

We no longer spend time beating ourselves up, criticizing our efforts, and constantly being dissatisfied with everything we've achieved.

We recognize that our imperfections are what we have in common with others.

Generating a sense of self-compassion and forgiveness for oneself will always be a work in progress. It's not something you check off the list and move on. As a recovering perfectionist, I can wholeheartedly affirm this.

But it's worth a visit. The benefits are huge, and you can make progress in many ways.

1. Really feel the pain of being wrong

Ever tried a classic thought experiment where you wouldn't think of a pink elephant?

Deliberately trying to ignore or forget a mistake is a bit like this - in the end, you just focus more attention on it.

This struggle with our mind becomes an obstacle to forgiveness as we get caught up in the stories surrounding it and struggle to focus on the act of self-compassion and forgiveness itself.

Instead, connect with your mistakes to forgive yourself. Both Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and mindfulness use this technique.

To do this, sit quietly and let your thoughts about the wrong come to you: all the anxiety, emotions, thoughts, physical feelings. Don't judge them; Just seeing them, feeling them and accepting them for who they are.

If you get stuck in a particular aspect, notice when it happens and re-accept it. This can happen many times.

If this happens, don't get angry or upset; Just notice it and move on. Let the pain be there and acknowledge that your emotions, whatever they are, are valid and important.

2. Perform key visualizations

Must be the usual prescription for self-love. But for those with a negative self-image -- and lack of self-compassion certainly fits into that category -- it can certainly do more harm than good.

We may "hit back" at this affirmation and tell ourselves that "I'm cute" is actually wrong for all the reasons.

Instead, use critical visualizations. There is evidence that people who use this technology gain a number of benefits, including a better mood, the likelihood of taking action to solve problems or seek advice and support, and the feeling of growing or learning from mistakes.

You can use this technique by recalling the error and then dealing with why the error occurred.

Go over these steps and at each decision point think about how you can handle the same situation differently next time. Consider all possible obstacles, setbacks, and negatives -- including the possibility of making another mistake.

3. Combine words, emotions, and behavior

We are language animals. We often say these words in our heads when we are trying to forgive ourselves. "I forgive myself."

That's a good start, but it's not enough. We need to engage all of our senses. We need to feel it -- emotionally and physically.

Our bodies have an internal self-soothing system that we can activate by affectionately touching ourselves, such as stroking our arms. (It sounds weird, but it works!)

Studies show that this gentle, friendly physical contact releases oxytocin, which provides a sense of security and relieves painful emotions.

Take some time to think of an occasion where you were able to forgive yourself (or another person, if it was new to you). What are your emotions and feelings? Feel that as strongly as you can.

Now, still feel those emotions and say whatever works for you (" I forgive myself..." ) before touching your arm or hugging yourself.

Bring the experience of forgiveness to life in as many ways as possible: spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

4. Treat yourself like you treat others

We are kinder and more compassionate to those who suffer than we are to ourselves.

We can use that emotion -- that compassion -- to help forgive ourselves.

Imagine that someone in your life did something wrong that affected you, and you forgave them. Or imagine that your best friend made the same mistake that you are making for yourself.

How would you treat them with compassion? How do you forgive them? What are you going to say? Be as specific and detailed as possible.

This can both help you erase the personality of a potentially worrying memory (that you made a mistake in the first place) and help you gain empathy.

Write down what you would say to them. Then, replace their name with yours, stand in front of the mirror, and read it aloud to yourself.

5. Forgiving others is an exercise in forgiving yourself

When we empathize with others, we are more likely to self-empathize, and when we forgive others, we are more likely to forgive ourselves. It's a beautiful virtuous circle.

Consider whether you are angry at others for their mistakes and practice forgiving them.

6. Write it down (briefly)

We've been told many times that writing about difficult situations can help us process and deal with them. But there is a right and wrong way to do this.

Research shows that writing pages of details about every single thing you did wrong is unlikely to support forgiving yourself. Write about it from a sympathetic place.

Pay attention to writing critically -- listing all the things you did wrong, for example, may cause you to worry more. Instead, write in a way that you're kind to yourself.

And be aware that your own experiences may be similar to those of others. Everyone makes mistakes. Acknowledge this in your writing.

7. Use rituals to help your primal brain forgive

When we use rituals (symbolic acts performed before, after, or during meaningful events), our primitive brain gains a sense of control and comfort. You can create your own rituals, or use pre-existing structures.

For example, in Polynesian cultures, Ho? The practice of Oponopono is a ritual of spiritual purification and forgiveness.

This process involves praying, reflecting on the problem, acknowledging feelings, and addressing mistakes and causes. It also involves accepting responsibility for mistakes, repenting, and then following through with forgiveness.

The modern version involves repeating and meditating four sentences:

I love you.

I'm sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you

Create your own ritual of self-forgiveness and include symbolism. It may involve certain forms of words, writing down the error and burning it, props such as candles or incense, or going to a special place to reflect on the error. But be deliberate and proactive.

Be your own best friend

I don't want to be Miss Havisham. In my mind, I didn't want to sit there surrounded by mistakes like old wedding cake crumbs.

I will accept myself, succeed, fail, feel sorry for myself, and move forward.

I want to do the best I can in any situation, and I treat myself at the same time. I want to remember that I am an imperfect, good person who makes mistakes.

I want you to do the same.

Choose one of the above methods. Take five minutes today. We have five minutes tomorrow.

Keep that in mind.

You are an imperfect, wonderful person, and you will make mistakes.

it doesn't matter