In my role as a psychological counselor, People often ask me:
Dr. Lan, life is so complicated. Can you teach me a trick that can cure my anxiety?
Here, there is really a very simple trick!
That is, respect your own "feelings."
What is a feeling?
I believe the so-called "feeling" is the product of the moment when people and things establish relationships.
Give some simple examples.
For example, I hold a cup filled with hot water, and my hands experience the cup's texture, temperature, etc.; these feelings are the product of the moment I establish a relationship with the cup;
For another example, anyone who likes to play golf knows that no matter what kind of ball it is, it must have an excellent feel to play well.
Anyone who loves to play music knows that a sense of music is often needed to make good music.
Each of us is looking for feelings throughout our lives.
So why can respecting our own "feelings" resolve our anxiety?
If a person has intense anxiety, he will be easily affected by minor bumps and bruises and always be nervous.
On the contrary, if a person often allows his "feelings" to come out, it means that he will have a stable self.
Even if they are initially disturbed by specific changes, they can quickly adjust their mentality and will not feel anxious easily.
For example, a friend of mine took the TOEFL exam.
Because of anxiety and insomnia, I was baffled when I went to the examination room to get the test papers the next day.
He seemed to understand all the questions but couldn't answer them. He was very anxious when he saw the people next to him writing furiously.
Later, when he returned to the present, he quickly changed his mentality:
Forget it; even if I fail the test this time, I will admit it.
After acknowledging that he might die, he felt relieved and gradually calmed down.
When he looked at the test paper again, he began to focus on his own feelings and judgments to answer, and he performed exceptionally well.
Therefore, living according to your " feelings " is really important."
However, in reality, it is not easy to respect your own feelings.
Once, I was eating in a fast food restaurant, and a father and son sat across from me.
The boy ate quickly. After finishing, he put the bowl down with satisfaction and said to his father:
"Dad, I'm full."
As a result, his father put another bowl of rice in front of him without even thinking about it and said to his son:
"Have another bowl."
The child couldn't resist his father, so he could only pick up the rice bowl again and start eating.
At that moment, the father used his thoughts to shake the child's judgment and make him doubt his own feelings.
Such things often happen in our lives. The most common ones are:
Which actions should be taken?
Especially parents, as adults, most of them have their own will and ideas about what their children should and should not do.
At this time, you are destroying the child's feelings.
If things go on like this for a long time, it will be difficult for children to respect their feelings in many things when they grow up, and it will be difficult for them to live in this world.
And they still rely on a code of conduct called "do's and don'ts."
When a family member introduces a person, they know that the person is not suitable but feels that one should not go against the family's will, so one goes on a blind date anyway;
When a colleague asked for help, it was not his job, but he felt that he should not be so indifferent, so he sacrificed his rest time to help the other person;
A friend came to borrow money. I finally saved some money, but I felt that friends should help each other, so I gritted my teeth and borrowed it;
How miserable and anxious it must be to live like this!
Therefore, if you want to live comfortably, you must still follow your "feelings."
What happens when we follow our "feelings"?
I believe many people have heard this sentence:
There is only one kind of success in life: you live this life according to your wishes.
A person who can live according to his feelings must be a legend.
Unfortunately, this is difficult for most people to do.
Because in our culture, we generally tend to deny feelings, whether they are the feelings of others or ourselves.
Let me share an experience of my own.
When I was working at Guangzhou Daily, some leaders felt that my writing style was too abstruse and should be modified to be more understandable according to their ideas.
After being persuaded a lot, I will tell them this logic:
I became famous within a month of writing my psychological column, which often had higher readings than the news column, which is rare in newspapers.
Other colleagues wrote according to your suggestions, and their writing was not as good as mine, so why should I change it?
What if I fail after changing it?
Because my logic is more reasonable, the boss can't do anything to me.
I have a strong sense of persistence.
I have to think and write how I feel.
Ultimately, because I always insisted on my style, I became the first person among the ordinary employees of Guangzhou Daily to become famous.
Also, when writing, I often have a flow experience, which is my highest reward.
Therefore, when we can clearly say "what I want and how I want," the experience is different.
Our feelings, spiritual life, and self are alive at this moment.
It is often observed that charismatic individuals place a great deal of trust in their own emotions.
Even when they were teenagers or teenagers, they were very clear about "how I want to live."
Here, I will tell another person's story.
Robert achieved great wealth and success.
When sorting out his life experience, I found that he has one characteristic:
Visionary, courageous, and always able to do things one step ahead of others.
When confronted with the primary trend, how does he feel?
When everyone squeezes in a specific direction, there must be a space in other rules for their creation and expression.
Moreover, he followed his feelings and saw a lot of room for innovation in many fields.
On the contrary, if a person lives a routine and makes the choices everyone makes, he can only live in the shadow of others and lead a predictable life.
Therefore, such people can easily be disturbed by the things around them, become anxious, and lose themselves.
Seeing this, some people may ask:
No matter what I do, I can't respect my own feelings. What should I do?
When I first entered the industry, a counselor friend told me a therapy story.
At the time, one of his female clients wanted to commit suicide.
She said that she had never lived according to her feelings in the past. After the two divorced, their husband-centered life collapsed.
She felt that her life had suddenly lost its direction, and she suddenly lost the desire to live.
Later, my friend gave her a suggestion:
You might as well try to finish an exercise before thinking about death.
The exercise goes like this:
In three months, complete ten things you have wanted but have yet to do.
He found a piece of paper and asked the visitor to list these ten things.
Some things are very simple to do.
Her husband hopes that she will be a traditional woman, but she likes disco dancing and wants to do it once;
My husband didn't enjoy seafood, so I last ate seafood a long time ago. I'm going to eat seafood tonight;
Some things take more work to achieve.
I have never had a big quarrel with others, and I want to try what it feels like to have a big fight;
I have never taken an extended vacation since I started working, and I want to experience the feeling of taking an extended break;
She completed all these things one by one.
The last thing was that the red leaves in Xiangshan were in full bloom at that time, and she wanted to take a walk in Xiangshan.
But when she went to Xiangshan, there were more people than Hongye. Looking at the crowds, she was very disappointed.
However, after standing on the top of the mountain, she had a feeling:
I finally know what kind of life I want to live;
I can finally live my life exactly how I feel.
Therefore, by realizing her ideas repeatedly, the self was slowly reconstructed from its previous broken state.
Consequently, we should not think it is difficult to "live according to your feelings."
Remember, finding yourself is not as difficult as we think.
This woman's story is proof of this.
Of course, if you want a complete change in your life, you want to follow your feelings and let your spiritual life entirely survive.
That is indeed not easy.
But this is the meaning of life.
We can spend a lifetime experiencing the feeling of living ourselves in this world. When we intensely experience "I can survive in this world," we will find that we are less anxious.
Finally, I wish everyone could find their spiritual life and live out themselves.
At this time, you will find that the world is so beautiful.
About the Creator
As a psychologist, psychological counselor writer, and master of clinical psychology, I am committed to using psychology to understand various classic phenomena of individuals, families, and society.