The Golden Standard of What I am Looking For

From all the years I have been in relationships, I have been given different opinions of how my exes would have preferred I was, how they would change me, how I could have handled things differently, or how I failed at things in the relationship. But the thing I never heard until my recent relationship, was how they were equally at fault for the things that went wrong. So, if any of these people are reading my posts, here are a few tips of what you should've done differently, and maybe we would have been in a better place now.

Number One - RESPECT

The one thing I expect from anyone (romantically or personally), is respect. I think this is pretty standard, this is a universal language that anyone with dignity and self-respect should be making a requirement. Now, I understand in order to receive respect, you have to give respect... it's not rocket science. Respect is the root and foundation of all things great and splendid, respect is the basis for which strong relationships are built, respect makes the beautiful world between yourself and the ones you love go round. I had gone a long time seeking what I thought was respect, but in hindsight, was just another lie to cover up the already-started lie, to just end in disappointment. The point is, all I desire at the end of the day, is that type of respect you would give the one person you care about the most, give that to me as well.

To expand on the topic of respect, I feel that as much as I long for someone to give me a healthy dose of respect, I am yet to find someone who will wholeheartedly and willingly give me that... wholesome, loving, caring, genuine respect. I sound as if I have no self-love nor self-respect, sounding like I need someone to give it to me for me to have it... don't get me wrong, I do respect myself enough to know what I am looking for in someone else, but it would be nice to finally find someone who would also give me some too.

Number two - LOVE

I have noticed that many people mistake the word Love with the other four-letter word: LUST. Lust isn’t the passion that burns in your heart, it’s that itch you need to scratch, as soon as it’s taken care of, the moment is over. Lust isn’t that desire to be around the other person and the loneliness you feel when they’re gone; it’s that afterthought of “do I really need you” or “do I really want them here with me?”, then the minutes pass and you realize that you’re fine on your own. No, love is that longing for that one special person to be by your side no matter what is going on, how tough the day is, how mistreated you may feel... it’s that necessity to not be without this human being that has changed your life for the better, has made your life whole, made you feel as if life was unbearable until you met them. The type of love that makes you realize even the smallest of details (the smile on their face, the glisten in their eyes, the butterflies in their stomach they feel when they see you) make you feel like you can conquer the world. This is the type of love that we read in love novels and sonnets, but seems impossible to achieve; it’s much more achievable than many may think. This type of love is accomplished by simply finding that person who recognizes your worth, reminds you of things about yourself that maybe you didn’t notice or forgot about. Finding the “one” is not necessarily the idea of your “one true love”, it’s the one who can see things in you, that you couldn’t see within yourself, details that they describe for which you didn’t even know were there. I want the type of love that we can only dream of and expect to never come true, the love that will make me say “yeah, this is it, I can stop looking”. The easiest type of love is the effortless type.

Number Three - COMPASSION

There are days that I am going through a lot, need someone to talk to, but you start thinking of the people you have in your life, and question if they would care to listen or if they would understand. This doesn't only apply to romantic partners, this can be family, friends, coworkers... anyone that is in your life; ask yourself "the people that I cherish in my life, do they cherish my time and existence the same?" If the answer is yes, then you have people in your life that you can confide in and trust that they will be ready to listen. But, imagine if you ask yourself this question, and you realize that all the people you have in your life are unreliable, unworthy, and simply non-compassionate people. This is one of the worst feelings, especially when you need someone to talk to and to lean on. This is why one of my requests, is to find someone who will be willing to be there for me as I would be there for them. I am a very understanding, patient, reliable person, with a great sense of compassion and good listening skills. Therefore, I need someone who matches my energy, who is willing to lend an ear when it's needed the most.

Number Four - PERSONALITY ACCEPTANCE

I have a big personality, sometimes it comes off strong, but I am eccentric, boisterous, silly, and overall fiery, but that is in part of what makes me who I am. I went a long time trying to hide who I was, to try to please people, because I was always told that I was a little too much to handle. I have also been told that "people don't know how to manage to be around me" or " people don't know how to handle your attitude". But, in the 30 years I have lived on this earth, I have done pretty well for myself, I have accomplished several things by being myself. I have overcome many obstacles, I have met many wonderful people, built many astonishing professional relationships, and have been quite successful. I have gone many years trying to find myself when all I had to do was learn to appreciate who I was already. Constantly allowing people to tell me that I was never enough, or I was sometimes too much... maybe I was surrounded by the wrong people. So, through my ups and downs, I finally stopped looking for people to appreciate my personality, and wait patiently for the right people (or person) to come along at the right time that would love me for me. A word of advice for those who are still looking to find their own personalities and their own traits; do not let anyone (ever!) tell you that you have to change. Why? Because in the process of changing yourself, you will miss out on finding the person or people who will not want to know anyone else, except for the person who you already are.

Number Five - COMMITMENT

When you hear the word Commitment, what is the first thing that comes to mind? Marriage? Long term? Ball and chain? Although all these things are what can be defined as commitment, there are still key factors that seem to be missing; loyalty, longevity, willingness, hard work, among other things... but it doesn't have to be scary or disciplined, it should come easy. I have been scared of commitment for so long, I wondered why I was scared of the idea of marriage and settling down, and then I can to a few conclusions: I wasn't raised with the best foundation of a healthy relationship, I grew up in a broken household with a single mom and a brother with an 11-year gap between us... both from the same parents, but separated. I feel when a foundation is set, either good or bad, whatever is being grounded there, will grow to become an element of its environment. What does this mean? In my own experience, I feel I grew up feeling defensive towards the idea of dedicating my whole life to one thing or person, which then develop issues in my relationships. I found it to be difficult to trust people when they tried to get too close when people were trying so hard to get to know me or were trying to ask me to let them into my life. I lost someone that was very close to me, my grandma, and then I noticed that my walls started coming down because I needed someone to be there for me. Was it fair to start allowing people to come into my life knowing I wasn't emotionally or mentally ready? Probably not, for many reasons, but all I knew at the moment was there I needed emotional support. It sounds selfish and one-sided, but I was everyone else's emotional support for so long, that I finally felt it was my turn to look for support. I was precautious of who I was letting into my world, I wasn't looking out for my wellbeing, and I took the plunge of telling those people of what I had in mind... wrong move. Committing to the wrong things, being attracted to the wrong traits, falling for the first person to give me attention, completely and deeply. I found myself falling into my old ways, guarding my heart, walls going back up, and pushing people away once again. Do you notice the distinct bad habits of not being able to commit... yeah, I notice them as well, I just haven't figured a way of fixing this issue. So, the point of this part of my post, is that I now have three people that I am attached to romantically, because I don't know how to let go, to me, they all have their purposes in my life and they all have reasons as to why they are helpful for my mental state, but none of them know about each other. This is not considered commitment, this is a temporary desire until the next best thing comes along, yet one of the three is who has a hold of my heart. I found the one who would commit his time and life to me, yet I'm here scared to fully commit to this man... I feel like I am still looking. Will I ever be satisfied?

Number Six - SPONTANEITY

One thing I am not is boring. There I said it, yup... I am not boring nor bland, nor can I be with someone boring. It is one thing relaxing at home after a long day at work, need some personal space, or taking it easy. But, being comfortable doing just that, for extended periods of time, is a little overbearing. I find it difficult to put together plans, a schedule, or an agenda unless it's for work or a special event, other than that, I like to do things as they come, without overthinking them. There was one time in October 2019, it was during my work week, where I wanted to go on a long drive, nowhere in particular, just wanted to get away, so guess what I did? I went. The adrenaline of knowing I needed to call out of work on my way, without prior notice, and just winging it... it was accelerating and exciting. This is what I do, just get away, not necessarily long distance, it can be a simple drive to the beach or showing up at someone's house unexpectedly. Going back to my spontaneous road trip, I called out of work and drove 16 hours to Colorado, mind you, I live in Los Angeles, so it's not around the corner. But, I did it because I wanted to have a story for when I just had a spontaneous moment and travel by car to a different place. I enjoyed the scenery, the cold weather (it was snowing when I got closer to Colorado), the different environments from the city to the countryside, and being in a different place from what I knew. I haven't been back since then, but I do plan to either go back or go somewhere different. It would be nice to have someone to share these moments with, that would enjoy it as much I do, but it's hard to find people that like to do things outside of their routine. If there is someone out there that likes to be random things, you have found your match.

These are just a few things that I look for in a partner, I could go on with a list as big as my imagination, but I don't want to bore anyone. I wrote this 4-day long post, because I know I am not the only one that has these needs or wants, I am just better at expressing myself. I hope this helps others that are still looking.