The First Dominoe Toward The End Of What We Know

Relationships are a dying past-time. People are staying single far longer than at any time in recorded history. Why is the relationship slowly becoming a thing of the past and what can one do to update their version of the mating ritual? How does one develop a “game” plan for dating in the 21st century?

Relationships were once the easiest thing in the world. From the very earliest stories of the caveman bonking a potential mate over the head and dragging them off to his cave, the idea sounds so simple.

In the bible stories of youth, we are told that Adam was created and after a while cried for a mate. God created Eve, or possibly Lilith, depending on your beliefs. Whether it was Lilith not being happy with her subservient role in the garden, or Eve biting the apple, relationships sound simple but seldom are.

It takes “game,” to find a mate in today’s world, more now than ever. And, relationships are becoming a thing of the past, as more people are willingly staying single for far longer. What happened to the relationship, and what can someone do to increase their chances of finding one, if that’s what they want?

Couples

Most people have been part of a couple by the time they’re in their forties. Yet, it appears that people wanting to be a part of a couple are a dying breed. Fewer people are tying themselves to someone long-term.

What is a couple?

A couple is defined as two people who are married, engaged, or otherwise closely associated romantically or sexually.

— Oxford Languages Dictionary

Being a part of a couple matters when two people find each other in the out-of-control world we live in. It’s perceived as a special bond, that for many, is hard not to romanticize about, especially when you see those happily married couples that have been together forever.

If the art of relationships is dying, considering the advantages of being in a couple, why is this happening?

We Change As We Age

By middle age, if you’re not part of a couple and want to be, you’re likely to have a difficult time. Meeting people at the peak of your prime working years is often harder than when you’re younger. You have a greater degree of appreciation for what’s important and what’s not. It’s less likely that you’ll just take off and go, spontaneously meeting someone, the way you would have in your late teens and twenties.

Relationships — Meeting People

Looking back at dating, whether it was you or someone else, how did you or your friends meet a prospective new love interest? You likely met people through mutual acquaintances, even being, “fixed up.”

Looking around, how many people are in your close circle of friends? As we age, friendships fracture, distance interferes, and sadly…we lose people. The number of people in your life that would introduce you to someone lessens over the years. With each passing year, those that would fix you up number fewer and fewer.

Whether you’re twenty-five or fifty-five, you aren’t the same person you were ten, or even just five years ago.

Relationships — Understanding Prospective Mates

As much as we age and mature, do we understand prospective mates? One dear friend bounces from relationship to relationship, very much feeling a need to take care of someone, and I would speculate, be taken care of by someone. That need for a bond and for intimacy that matters overpowers her reasoning when it comes to men, not that relationships need be a man and woman in this era.

Why is it that relationships after 50 seldomly work out, or become that dream romance that one’s heart desires? Do we understand prospective mates? Ask yourself, how often have you heard someone utter either of the following?

Women are all crazy

Men just want sex

Those two phrases sum up what is likely the most popularly shared sentiment about relationships. Hearing them from both sides and in several different ways, one might wonder how well we understand our prospective mates. Do we understand what they want at all? Could that be because they, themselves, don’t know what they want?

Advice For Relationships With People With Histories

The first and most important thing people might consider when entering into a relationship with someone with a history is to get to know them well. Shed preconceived notions of what you think they want, and learn about their history.

• What did they enjoy most about their last relationship
• What made or makes any past love stand out
• What attracted them people and what attracted them to you

None of us want to be compared to history, but history is what got you to where you are today. Then, remember what makes people stand out in your mind. What about a relationship, or mating ritual, made it special? Share that with prospective mates, at the appropriate time.

It’s easy to say that all men want is sex. It’s easy to say that all women are crazy. To do either is comparing all men or women to a bad relationship. If you’re single, there are approximately 3 billion of age people that comprise the group that is your dating pool. To say that all of any one group is a gross generalization that should alert a person that they aren’t ready for a relationship.

Wouldn’t It Be Nice To Have Someone To Do That With

As much as an alcoholic and a sober person are not a good match, chances are that a sedentary person and an active person are a poor match. People are attracted to people for different reasons, but there’s something to be said about people that lead full and active lives. If you’re single and looking, remember to take into account what activities you enjoy, and what activities you have a disdain for, or have absolutely no interest in trying.

If you can find someone that is a mountain biker and you like packing up your gear and going to ride the trails on the weekends, then you’ve got a great start to a relationship. However, if you’re constantly out adventuring on your bike, while your new love interest is sitting at home, things are rocky already.

It may not be all adventure and excitement, particularly when you get a little older. You may meet someone that’s a bit of a nerd at heart. There’s nothing wrong with being a nerd, but you are going to be faced with their nerdgasms every time a Marvel or Star Wars movie comes to the theaters. If you know little about the franchises, are they likely to invite you to the newest release in a phase 5 franchise? Chances are, they aren’t. They’re going to continue to go see them with their guy friends. So, catch up on what you’re prospective mate’s into and show them that you want to be a part of their interests.

Finding A Good Match

If you want to be in a couple you need to find a good match. That takes time, effort, and patience. It’s doable, but are you looking for a good match or looking to fill a gap in your life?

Stop looking to the past and look to where you are now, and who you have become. Just as much as the two people above are into fitness and working out, you need to focus on what you have to offer a partner. What do you gain from having a partner?

• Romance
• Companionship
• Intimacy
• Emotional Support
• Friendship
• Sex

Of all the things that having a partner offers you, a companion to enjoy life with is perhaps the best thing you’ll get. Trying to match yourself up with someone will help you to find a person you share common interests with, and there’s a better chance of your relationship growing.

Final Thoughts On Relationships

Love is grand, even though it’s fleeting and can often be horrifying. When we’re young, we have those relationships our grandparents enjoyed as examples to look up to and they were the great loves of the century. When things don’t work out, we’re left to look again and again for our “soul mate.”

There are things that can help us to have a good relationship, even though it may not be the perfect happiness we envisioned. It’s up to the parties involved to commit to doing those things.

• Use the past only to identify what makes you happy
• Forget the uglier parts of the past
• Commit to learning about a potential mate
• Being honest with a potential mate about what makes you happy
• Finding a potential mate you share common interests with
• Know yourself and what you want
• Communicate

Remember, that stereotyping with statements like, “all women are crazy,” or, “all men want is sex,” happens because of things that happened in the past. In truth, if you’re looking for a man, getting to know his likes and his passions is as sure a way of getting into his heart as you can find, and is more likely to work than going to bed with him because you think that’s all he wants.

That’s my take on relationships, after seeing hundreds fail and having had my share of failures. While people are staying single longer, depleting the dating pool, there are those that still would like to find the right person to share their lives with. Good luck! The odds are starting to get as long as winning the Powerball. However, if the relationship continues to become its own endangered species, the end of the world as we know it will be upon us, and our own fault.