The Eternal Dilemma

He sat there with his lonesome self. Although he still had a glimmer of hope inside, he remembered he sat with his two best friends — Stella on his right; Mary on his left. It was the subtle manipulation of how he categorized and defined things that kept the flicker of hope alive. And it was this faint light at the edge of tomorrow that kept him trudging on.

It was another typical Friday night. He just arrived from work and immediately started socializing with his best friends. There was always a sense of relief when coming home from work on a Friday. The weekend was the only time he could socialize from dusk to dawn. A time to be free from his godforsaken job, which he would forget about in its totality. Even though the glimmer inside shined slightly brighter at the start of the weekend, it would quickly fade to almost nonexistence at the end of the week. And even though he could be free from his job, he couldn't be free from his mind.

He conversed with Stella and Mary while staring into his laptop browsing random Wikipedia articles and Youtube videos. It was his favorite pastime to pass the time. He looked up to speak to Stella and saw the painting hanging on the wall in front of him. A cherished possession of his, a canvas print of Mankind's Eternal Dilemma, the Choice Between Virtue and Vice by Franz Francken the Younger. The painting always sparked a few questions in his mind: What's the right choice? How do you find out? Does it even matter? He then realized he was still in his work clothes and pondered these eternal questions he’s always asked himself while changing his clothes. As always, a simple white shirt and black sweatpants. Now, he could really relax.

He walked back to the table where his best friends perpetually resided and talked to them for a few moments before resuming his pastime. His young but aging eyes needed breaks from the blue light being emitted from the screen, so from time to time he would glance around the apartment. His eyes spotted a dusty three-tier black bookshelf on his right, but his fading memories couldn't summon what was on the bookshelf, especially when he was distracted by his best friends. Too comfortable to get up, he squinted for a better look but still couldn't see under the dim light. He liked it dim and didn't dare to change it. Being curious, he walked over and wiped off the dust with his hands and blew on it then looked at the forgotten tomes. He saw The Wisdom of Winston Churchill, Fahrenheit 451, Brave New World, Animal Farm, We, 1984, A Handmaid's Tale, Henry VIII, among many others. He stared with a blank expression remembering why the bookshelf collected dust. After a few moments of fantasizing being a carefree child, he heard something and snapped back to reality. It was the flickering screen in the right corner of the room. He didn’t remember turning it on. Turning to it, he lumbered back to the table, while he stared at it. One of the Lord of the Rings movies was on. Frodo just fell to the ground, and the ring slipped on his finger, then the Eye of Sauron was glaring at him. He liked that trilogy.

He checked the time on his laptop — only 6:33. He seemed to always check the time when it had some combinations of 3's and 6's. They were interesting numbers that evoked memories of the occult and religion, which would spark that glimmering light inside. If all that nonsense were true, then there might be a God or some unknown thing that is Good! The Eternal Dilemma isn't a dilemma after all!

He talked to Stella while mulling over his wishful thinking. They had a strong relationship — it was unbreakable. Stella just knew how to make him feel better, as if she was some magic tonic, although this was not the case with Mary. At one point, Mary and him had a stronger relationship than Stella — stronger than unbreakable. There was a time when Mary could make him laugh more than anything in the world, and he'd feel high — floating in the clouds. Now, those are nebulous memories. Mary started talking of weird and pessimistic things about the world while acting paranoid. He couldn't stand her tormenting thoughts and only chills with Mary out of habit. Although, they barely interact.

As he remembered more of the occult and religious secrets that he'd stumbled across the past many years, memories of family and friends were conjured in his mind's eye. He grew up from a devout Christian family, and most of his childhood friends were Christian. Those were the happiest times of his life, but now he only feels things related to depression and rage. When was he robbed of his happiness? Why did no one help him? He couldn't remember the answers to these questions after many years of deliberate forgetting. Where were his family and friends? Why has he been betrayed? A raging anger ignited inside him like wildfire. Why did he waste time reading philosophy and learning of virtue when everyone else reveled in their vices without a care? The fire grew.

The glimmering white light inside was now enveloped by a fiery red smoke. The smoke was warmer than being shrouded by darkness, but the suffocation was still uncomfortable. He consulted Stella, even though he knew she couldn't give consultation, only consolation. Her consolation only fed the flames, but he slowly embraced the warmth. Now, he was only annoyed that he couldn't remember all the details of his past that led him to his depressing, painful life.

He let out a drawn-out sigh and said, "I need to write."

Deciding to buy a journal on Amazon, he looked at his laptop and realized Youtube has been on autoplay since he got back from work. A video about Henry VIII was playing. Then he realized the blinking ad on the right of the video, which said ‘YOU’RE HIRED!!!’, then it swapped to a black journal from Amazon. That was exactly what he was looking for, and he clicked on the ad. At that moment, he heard a thud on his left and he looked. His black cat jumped on the shelf and knocked over a black leather-bound KJV Holy Bible. He gazed at the book on the floor for a moment then tilted his head upwards. There were many books lined up on the white wooden wall shelf, and with its color blending into the walls, it seemed as if the books were floating. He squinted his eyes to see what books were there, since he was too tired to recall them from memory. His eyes couldn't make out any of the titles, and he was too lazy to get up. This bookshelf was slightly further than the one to his right, and he was also stationed on the right side of the table. So, instead he turned up his LED lights with an app on his laptop to see the floating books. He saw Nicomachean Ethics, Plato: Complete Works, Meditations, then he couldn’t care to see them anymore. He scoffed and dimmed the LED's.

He looked up to see the lights changing from bright to dark. A slight smile ran across his face as he slowly closed his eyes and embraced the darkness. Agonizing noises came from the TV, and he looked. It was The Passion of the Christ. Jesus was being crucified. Suddenly, he remembered the journal.

Now, he looked back at the screen and it had a 'Moleskine Classic Notebook, Hard Cover, Pocket (3.5" x 5.5") Ruled/Lined, Black, 192 Pages' on an Amazon page. He hovered the mouse over the image for a closer inspection, and he was entranced by its beauty. A simple and sleek design with its outer black shell contrasted with its seemingly silk, ivory paper. After being hypnotized for some moments, he clicked 'Buy Now'. A sense of accomplishment rushed through his veins. It was something he should've done long ago. Now, he could finally relax.

Knowing that he'll gain the ability to write about his anger in his personal little black notebook gave him a desire to welcome anger. That was something he was always hesitant to do. All the philosophers and great minds of the past did not talk of embracing anger, but combating it. The problem with their thinking is that they're antiquated — ancient. They couldn't possibly understand the complexities and difficulties of modern life, nor could they even imagine it. Inhaling the fiery fumes now seemed logical. A revelation that once seemed paradoxical.

In his excitement, he bolted up from his chair and gave a toast to himself with Stella for his newfound absurdity. It was an indescribable feeling for him, since he's never felt it, and it overwhelmed him, nonetheless it was good, so good that he asked Mary to join. Now, he was truly relaxed.

He checked the time, and it was 3:33 — still early. Although he wanted to keep socializing, a deep sleep caught him off guard. He slept where he sat with a smirk.

*** *** ***

Sunlight beamed through all the windows in his apartment, and he slowly raised his eyelids. Stella and Mary were gone. Only remnants of their ashes and liquid residue remained from the celebration. The TV was still on and 'Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix' was playing. Dumbledore and Harry were talking and there was a phoenix rising from its ashes. He liked that series.

He rose from his chair feeling some sense of happiness. Normally, he'd wake up with an excruciating headache after socializing with Stella and Mary. This odd feeling of happiness must be the reason he couldn’t feel pain. Feeling marvelous, he decided to shower.

The warm water showered him with pleasure and gave him a grin. He picked up his razor to shave his rugged beard, something he was never keen on doing, but now he's been reborn. As he was shaving, he heard some kind of knock from outside, but that did not deter him from leaving his glorious shower. He took his sweet time, for a resurrection requires a blessed renewal. Finally, he finished and got out and stared at his reflection. His grin grew. Then he put on a black shirt and black jeans.

He recalled the odd knock that occurred and opened the front door. There was an Amazon package lying on the floor. They must've really wanted him to get his package. He rushed the package to the table with his laptop, then opened it like a child would on their birthday. There it was! The little black book to resolve all things. He lifted it up into the sunlight and adored it. He was so mesmerized by its majesty that he held it up in the pure sunlight until his arms gave out. Then he set it on the table and opened the book. At that same time, his laptop received a notification.

Many names were already written in the book, mostly his family and friends of the past. He sat back and took a deep breath and checked the notification on his laptop — it was from his bank. $20,000 was transferred into his account from an unknown sender. A calmness struck through his body releasing the weights of his past, and he meditated.

Music from his laptop speaker broke his meditation. He didn’t turn on the music. It was Katy Perry's “Chained to the Rhythm”. He hated most pop music and Katy Perry was no exception. He listened intently and couldn't help but bob his head and bounce his toes. There was a hypnotic quality to the song, and he started enjoying it. He looked back at his little black book and grinned.