The Desire of her heart

Suffocating , I found myself using this term a lot lately to describe my feelings to the world. All the walls were closing in on me. My tears were running down like the Nile river. I couldn't even smile. I woke up everyday with my pillow soaking wet just like a puddle after a rainy day. I was drowning in my own sorrows and that's when I realized I had lost my touch. It all started of with a phone call. I picked up my phone , jumped on the bed and smiled alone. I dialed his number and put him on loudspeaker. His phone rang and my heart pounded. My nerves kicked in , he answered.....that moment I felt so confused and yes there was something I really needed to tell him. I asked him why he didn't reply my texts and he asked me which text? This showed that he didn't save my number nor took what I said to him seriously but who knew because I wasn't even aware about anything that's how deeply in love I was. I couldn't keep it in for any longer so I confessed my feelings to him. The guy kept quiet for a second. He was trying to process all the news I had delivered. He was so surprised , how someone can keep quiet for so long. Well he replied firmly, and said: 'Since you shooting your shot , I might as well get shot." I had this amazing glow on my face and hoped that it would last long. I couldn't believe that I made a move for the first time in my life but what I didn't know was that this wouldn't end well for me. He seemed so real and serious but yet so slow and distant. It all ended and I found myself suffocating deep within my thoughts. Every time I had my eyes shut , the smile on his face would just haunt me in my sleep. At that time I didn't know how to feel. I couldn't even differentiate between right and wrong. I wasn't even able to open up to those who supported me during my breakdown. It was bad , very bad. I was beyond repair. My heart was shattered into a million little pieces. I was just like a broken glass. I lost trust for everyone around me. All I wanted was to feel pain and sadness. I didn't even know what happiness was anymore. Cutting myself became a daily routing and my life felt meaningless. I had lost all reasons to live. Suicidal thoughts were all I could think off. At that time it hit me, I realized that I had a lot to look forward to, my friends and family. It all came to mind that he was never into me to begin with. His an ex I wish to forget and a nightmare I wish to wake up from. That guy never cared nor had my heart at his best interested. To him it was a feeling of lust so it hit me , I had to move on. I knew it was time to let him go even if he was going to walk away with a piece of my heart but my heart didn't want to let go at all. I had this hope that he would come back but he never did. Loving him was a lesson which I wish to share with everyone. Trust me when I say ,'Do not love with your heart but with your mind.' Your mind will never lead you astray. Following my heart was a lesson learnt. Pure love doesn't exist in my dictionary anymore.