We are only humans. Life is all we've been granted but yet we don't make the most of it. We follow the desires of life , the temptations that we come across and the obsticles we come across. Love one of life's desires. I crave to be loved and to be treated like a Cinderella fairy tale. I want to meet my knight and shinny armor.I have flesh just like everyone else but yet i can't seem to find love. Is there something wrong with me. The heartbreak that comes out of all this is painful. I don't think that love is meant for me. Can someone just seem me for who i am. I don't want to be like the kids at school who pretend to be people they not. I wanna fall in love the most natural way and feel like I am the only woman in the world. I wanna be loved for being the loud , opinionated and crazy person I am. I want him to embrace my imperfect perfections that would me happy. I want him to give me the attention in class without the teacher noticing. I want to bring him lunch during break without the cool kids calling me a nerd. I want him to notice me for being the smart girl who everyone calls four eyes in class because I wear glasses. Little things matter, isn't? Is that hard to ask for? I am not the type that loves beauty product. I prefer being natural like washing my face with a green bar. I embrace myself but in the real world that doesn't find you love. I wish I could be like the girls at school who seek attention from the hot guys who everyone wants especially the guy who sits by the corner , the captain of our first team soccer. He is so damn good looking but yet he doesn't even know I exist. He gives the girls who call their original pictures which have no filter crusty and their filtered pictures as original. I want to fit in so badly but I don't want to change myself in the process. Society only cares about what image they want us to be created in. They want to control us. I want everyone to embrace their true selves , wouldn't the world be a better place? We need to earn how to stop judging others. I'm tired of being judged for not wearing make-up and putting on fake hair , that's not me. I'm proud to be who I am but at times I feel ashamed of the way I look. Girls at school make us feel so small and try to lower our self esteems. That's not right. So that perfect guy I want will never want me because of the way i look and dress. Can someone clarify why this is happening to me. Why am i different to others? Can't I be that perfect girl that every guy wants? I'm considering buying beauty products so that I fit in with the girls at school. Why was I born with a high IQ level though? I am confused , I don't know if I still want to be myself anymore. I want to change myself for love , for someone who will notice me as soon as I change the way I look. I would be a dream girl even the cool kids would want to sit me during breaks. Maybe life wants me to be lonely. I just wish I could be like the girls at school they seem to fit in everywhere they go. Love is in the air , that's what they all say. Yet i don't see it? My life is just too simply and i'm not sure if I still want to keep it that way.......
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The Desire of her heart
Suffocating , I found myself using this term a lot lately to describe my feelings to the world. All the walls were closing in on me. My tears were running down like the Nile river. I couldn't even smile. I woke up everyday with my pillow soaking wet just like a puddle after a rainy day. I was drowning in my own sorrows and that's when I realized I had lost my touch. It all started of with a phone call. I picked up my phone , jumped on the bed and smiled alone. I dialed his number and put him on loudspeaker. His phone rang and my heart pounded. My nerves kicked in , he answered.....that moment I felt so confused and yes there was something I really needed to tell him. I asked him why he didn't reply my texts and he asked me which text? This showed that he didn't save my number nor took what I said to him seriously but who knew because I wasn't even aware about anything that's how deeply in love I was. I couldn't keep it in for any longer so I confessed my feelings to him. The guy kept quiet for a second. He was trying to process all the news I had delivered. He was so surprised , how someone can keep quiet for so long. Well he replied firmly, and said: 'Since you shooting your shot , I might as well get shot." I had this amazing glow on my face and hoped that it would last long. I couldn't believe that I made a move for the first time in my life but what I didn't know was that this wouldn't end well for me. He seemed so real and serious but yet so slow and distant. It all ended and I found myself suffocating deep within my thoughts. Every time I had my eyes shut , the smile on his face would just haunt me in my sleep. At that time I didn't know how to feel. I couldn't even differentiate between right and wrong. I wasn't even able to open up to those who supported me during my breakdown. It was bad , very bad. I was beyond repair. My heart was shattered into a million little pieces. I was just like a broken glass. I lost trust for everyone around me. All I wanted was to feel pain and sadness. I didn't even know what happiness was anymore. Cutting myself became a daily routing and my life felt meaningless. I had lost all reasons to live. Suicidal thoughts were all I could think off. At that time it hit me, I realized that I had a lot to look forward to, my friends and family. It all came to mind that he was never into me to begin with. His an ex I wish to forget and a nightmare I wish to wake up from. That guy never cared nor had my heart at his best interested. To him it was a feeling of lust so it hit me , I had to move on. I knew it was time to let him go even if he was going to walk away with a piece of my heart but my heart didn't want to let go at all. I had this hope that he would come back but he never did. Loving him was a lesson which I wish to share with everyone. Trust me when I say ,'Do not love with your heart but with your mind.' Your mind will never lead you astray. Following my heart was a lesson learnt. Pure love doesn't exist in my dictionary anymore.
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