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The David Sedar-Gig

It's a gig involving David Sedaris. Glad I've clarified that.

By Conor HuftonPublished 6 years ago 8 min read

The David Sedaris Gig finally arrived. Unlike my associate, I wasn’t that familiar with him before the event. I basically only knew him through Bojack Horseman – which he isn’t even in. His sister voices Princess Carolyn. Not something he’d appreciate being told during a book signing. ‘I love Bojack Horseman- which you’re nothing to do with. Ok bye’. Loads of strangers approach me saying that. It never gets less surreal.

This is a favoured reaction

Although, it’s just reminded me of a ghost costume my Nan bought me that I eventually cut down the middle so it could be a coat. I was pretending to the artful dodger- because of the obvious link between neon ghosts and Oliver Twist characters. I’d have lived a happy life if I’d never been reminded of that. Damn, maybe his coat wasn’t such a highlight after all.

The reading itself was filled with humorous semi absurd anecdotes observations and morbid curiosities that were effortlessly written. My only major criticism about his ideas are that I didn’t think of them first. It’s refreshing when writers prioritise anecdotes over plot. If he wrote a novel with a clear narrative it’d be hard to just read parts while staying coherent. Made me really want to do a book reading one day. I’ll just have to learn how to write and to not have a voice that invites mockery. Obviously, I’d have to ensure the book didn’t have a plot. Or, that it’d lose the plot early on- much like me. His reading was so immersive there were moments where I deliberately closed my eyes and imagined I was listening to an audiobook. A £32 audiobook that I couldn’t pause and couldn’t really move during. Why did I do that?

I remember it being fuller than this.

I didn’t look at the seats after I booked them but they turned out to be good. They were quite near the front. I did worry if that was a bad thing, I had no knowledge of his performance style so he might have been the type to point at people and go "HEY YOU, NAME 12 OF MY BOOKS AND OR ALBUMS" (Don’t think he does albums- all part of the test). I’d have panicked and said "I know the first ones" – it is therefore my mission to either publish myself or get someone more skilled than me to publish a book called "The first ones".

Another talent of Sedaris’ is his ability to hear and understand every question asked by an audience member. St David’s Hall isn’t a small venue and none of the audience had microphones. There was one question In particular that his understanding of totally amazed me. The person asking it sounded like they asked this:

Hur Nim hoy yip mis’n Nurp gurh chup ick BAYYYYUUUUDDD?

(Apparently, they were asking, "Is it coincidental that a gun goes missing from a firing range and ends up under a bed?" which, to be fair, was relevant to one of the anecdotes.)

I was really disappointed when I saw the person asking it wasn’t the chef from the Muppets.

He's said in several interviews He's A Sedaris Fan- At least I think he said that

I was also reminded of the guy who signs informer (Snow I think).

It's lively reggae-influenced pop-rap song that goes 'INFORMER ayumminydumminydomeiago bluh A licky boom boom now'.

I was waiting to hear ‘I licky boom boom now’. No. Such. Luck.

The event ended with a book signing. I didn’t have a book and I wouldn’t ask him to sign my breasts. I’ve been told to stop doing that. Lowri, however, did have a book- and a lot of presents for David, mainly toffee/fudge themed. I like toffee and fudge. Not really important, just an aside. There was a mostly dormant stress in my mind of how I’d take a good picture when Lowri met him. I always dread having to take pictures for people. It was dreaded enough at ComicCon. There I had to frantically press the capture buttons a few times then say "I’ve taken loads one must be alright’ or ‘A few for the album/mantelpiece". But this was different– a quirky woman was about to meet a hero. Actually no, that’s exactly like ComicCon. I was relieved to find out pictures weren’t permitted. I’d like to think they were originally but that the rules were changed last minute when my worries were sensed. I owe you, staff of St David’s Hall.

Lowri eventually got to the front of the line. After he greeted her, Sedaris exchanged a glance longer than most with me. It felt like both of us were considering smiling or nodding respectfully. Neither of us did. It felt like that; he might not have even seen me.

Here's a picture of me taken at the time.

I've just noticed the implication that I was naked in St David's Hall. After all those warnings.

I’d have been moved a lot more by Lowri meeting her hero if I didn’t feel like I really shouldn’t have been there. My presence made it feel less special. I was wondering throughout their conversation whether I’d left it too long to leave or how I should stand. On the standing front, I went for the ‘quite still’ approach. Classic. Eventually I managed to say something myself; "I love Bojack Horseman, which you’re nothing to do with. Ok, bye." I did not say that. Or anything. When he signed Lowri’s book, though, he drew a rose vaguely resembling a penis, proof that he did notice me. A red and green prick surrounded by smaller pricks; that’s me, alright. What does that even mean?

He chose to write, "I’ll see you in the magazine," because she writes for a magazine. Not because he expects her to shrink and then end up trapped inside a magazine, though I’d have made that assumption too.

The night was still reasonably young when it ended. It was about 9 so that’d be 21.00. My brother’s 21. I always view him as way younger because of the more noticeable difference when we were kids. By that logic, the night was reasonably young but not as young as I was viewing it.

We went to Kaspa’s- the neon pink dessert emporium of playfully concealed health issues. They've stopped using that motto for some reason.

It's true you know, Once you've seen 'Tron' once- you never stop seeing it.

We shared a peanut themed cake with chocolate sauce and vanilla ice cream. It was a peanut heavy week. I remember telling a lie that involved an employee of St David’s hall sitting behind a desk watching lewd material and winking at when I noticed. I tell this lie worryingly often, no specific targets, just anyone who happens to be working near a computer screen who I’ve seen that day. I always assume people will realise it’s a lie when I get to the detail about winking but sometimes they don’t. Depending on how desperate I am to be caught out I’ll add an action that’s spelt similar to winking. It’s rare I go that far. How frequently I tell this lie was solidified a few days after when Lowri left. I met another friend; I mentioned someone we’d seen in a comic shop and later ComicCon. Upon his mention, my friend said something like "Oh, the watching porn and winking at you behind the desk guy," (I should clarify he knows I was lying).

Kaspa’s is special to me now because it was here that I discovered Lowri’s own ability to hilariously lie. She said she’d brought a red top with her, but actually hadn’t. Where does she come up with these astonishing tales?

Another discussion point was what we would wear if we performed book readings. Lowri wanted to wear tassels and act irate every time the audience laughed or clapped. I pointed out that if the show was being performed by her– the audience would never do either of those things. I expected to pay for that one. I never did somehow. I might now that I’ve reminded her of it though. My choice was to wear a pyjama top half and an invisible bottom half. I’m hoping that shirt cocking has become acceptable performance attire should the day I’m performing book readings ever comes. It’s arguably already acceptable performance attire – it just depends on the performance. Donald Duck, Squidward, Winnie the Pooh, Porky Pig, and several other performers have been doing it for years and those guys are all pro’s. This seems a reasonable time to share a GENUINE frame from An animated Disney production.

I'm both relieved and disappointed that I don't know the context.

After Kaspar’s we went to the Prince of Wales, a Wetherspoons rife with interior designs left over from its past life as a theatre.

It was specifically used for Burlesque performances (What’s changed? Am I right fellas? No, I’m not). I assume that the burlesque theatre was one place where shirt cocking was considered acceptable attire I assume most of the clientele looked like Donald duck does on the above picture. Also tassels would definitely be acceptable in there. If it hadn’t been remodelled as a pub we’d be both be entertainers now. Nice to know that problems can be caused by pubs as well as solved by them. I love having something to blame failure on- it’s one of my favourite things to have. We had one more apple sourz each than we were expecting to because of a deal and then departed for the station. When we got to the station we made a horrific discovery. Our train, due in about five minutes, was not appearing on the boards. There was no immediate explanation as to why not. On that cliff-hanger, I shall end this passage. Did we remain stranded for a night? Did we simply catch the replacement bus service? (Probably that one). All will be revealed in the next installments. Fare well until then invested readers- all two of you (one of whom is me).


About the Creator

Conor Hufton

getting better at this writing thing (aka slowly learning the alphabet, learnt how to use pen). Spanning critical writing, fantasy, parody and sci-fi (ruining all of them in the process).

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