The Coffee date

“Do you want to grab a coffee and catch up?” I’m putting laundry detergent in my cart as Nicole, my former best friend, invites me for a hot drink.

“Now?” My stomach somersaults as I look down at the sleeping baby in my cart. I feel betrayed she is not choosing this moment to wake up and alert the entire store that she’s ready to eat.

Nicole smiles as a billboard flashes my thoughts behind me. I’m imagining myself walking away towards the checkout line and for the safety of my car.

“Yes, I figured we might catch up.” Nicole shrugs as if she was not the one who ended our friendship. A year has passed since she sent a Facebook message declaring our friendship was over.

Forcing a smile on my face and pushing down the feelings of hurt I have had since our best friend’s breakup.

“A quick cup should be fine.”

We meet at the coffee shop where we spent happier times. We sit across from one another with babies in our laps. I take a tentative sip of my French vanilla latte as she sips her cappuccino.

“Tori and James are getting divorced.” Her wide smile doesn’t match the seriousness of the news that she is delivering.

“That’s awful,” I reply as I look down at the baby in my arms, who is eyeing the bright colors of the small coffee shop and babbling to herself.

“He was cheating on her. She was so mad when she found out, she broke his computer!” Nicole laughs, and it makes my insides shrivel. Was I this awful? Did I find glee in someone’s sorrow?

Putting down my latte, I pick up a toy for the baby waiting for Nicole to change the subject.

“Are you surprised?”

“No, I’m just sad to hear of a family breaking up.” I shrug and try to smile. This is not what I had in mind when Nicole said we should catch up. I shift in my chair, wishing I was catching up on laundry instead of poisoning my mind with gossip.

“Don’t you remember what she said to you, sophomore year?” She sips her cappuccino with a smile that didn’t reach her eyes.

I remember. She gave a paltry apology to me during my junior year, and I put the whole thing behind me. I didn’t have ill feelings towards Tori, and I don’t wish to rejoice in her current sorrow.

“She apologized. We talk sometimes on Facebook.”

Nicole rolls her eyes. “Must not talk often if you didn’t know she was getting divorced.”

I take another sip of latte and bounce my leg the baby is using as her seat. It elicits a giggle, and I smile down at her.

“When are Cindy and Nathan getting married?” I stiffen as she names close friends of mine. Cindy and Nicole only tolerated each other for the sake of me.

Sipping my latte, I wonder what she knows and how she knows.

“I heard they called the big wedding off.”

“I’m not comfortable discussing this, Nicole”

“Why?”

“Some things are private” I sound lame but I feel anger brewing. Cindy is my good friend and I don’t want to repeat something she wouldn’t want out in public.

Nicole leans forward as if this will generate more friendly feelings. “You can’t tell me what happened?”

I sigh. “No, Nicole, I don’t want to.”

Nicole leans back as if I had slapped her and she makes a silly face at her baby before looking back up at me.

“I liked you better in high school.”

“Odd, I normally hear the opposite.”

I should have used this time to confront Nicole about her Facebook message and ask her why she wanted to throw away a friendship that spanned a decade. Nicole reached out to me for one reason to get information on Cindy and Nathan. Nicole and I had met when our hearts were angry and we both lashed out at the world. My heart had healed when I had become a mother. I didn’t always move through this world with kindness, but I did not want to poison my mind with Nicole’s gossip.

“It’s time to go,” I say, as I gather up the baby’s things, trying to keep the building anxiety at bay. Hurt pierces my heart because I assumed she was here to talk and make amends. Upset that I still don’t know the real reason for the ending of our friendship. Angry that she would fake being nice just to fill up her tank on gossip.

“I’m not holding you, hostage,” she says in a tone that betrays everything that she is feeling. I realize she hates herself and has yet to shed her mean girl mentality. She has yet to heal from her past and allow herself to grow into the beautiful person I know she can be. I had to learn the hard way how gossip spreads like fire and how rumors can not be unsaid. No one has the power to remove gossip, but we can stop the spread and move forward, being mindful of the arrow of your words.

Nicole has her cell in one hand and looks annoyed as her baby fusses. My heart beats sadly as I remember the good times we once shared in each other’s company. The realization that Nicole is not what I’ve been missing, I’ve just been missing having a best friend.

I walk away from the table, diaper bag on my shoulder, and baby safely in my arms as I look back at her one last time. She is putting a bottle in her baby’s mouth and I’m trying to remember the fun we had together. Instead, I remember the times she hurt me with her words. She was the maid of honor who told me she saw divorce in my future. Rolling her eyes at me because I’m annoying or I talk too much. Walking with her as she tells me how unflattering my dress was. Our friendship had been a toxic storm and it no longer had a place in my life.

We settle in the car, and I turn on the radio. A song comes on that we used to both sing at the tops of our lungs. Her hair blowing in the wind of the open windows with her big sunglasses on as she sang along. Arm out the window, feeling the summer wind on my fingers as I sang loudly along with her. I decide to leave that memory behind. I change the station and drive away from the coffee shop, feeling my heart lighten at all that it’s leaving behind.