The Center Seat

This was a stupid idea; I feel like everyone is staring at me. I take a sip from my glass of Merlot, trying to ease my growing anxiety. I didn’t think the hostess was going to sit me smack dab in the center of the restaurant when I said, “table for one.” I was hoping for a table by the window, at least then I could distract myself with the outside world. Nope, instead I got the center seat with eyes everywhere. And why were there so many people out right now! I thought a Wednesday afternoon would be a safe time to eat out. C’mon you can do this; you were so excited! I heard my inner voice say. I take another sip of Merlot to calm myself. I let the flavor sit on my palate a few seconds longer before swallowing, take a deep breath, and exhale slowly. I can do this. I already ordered my food, now I just have to wait a little then eat. I close my eyes.

I saw myself walking home with tears running down my face. My head was down while I moved at a rapid pace trying to avoid the look of passers-by. I tried to make it home before the tears could start but I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I never thought I could actually feel my heart breaking. How could you be so cold, so mean? I wasn’t perfect in any way, shape, or form; but I loved you with everything I had and all I could give. A single misunderstanding that resulted in you not getting your way, and it was over. The one time I stood my ground and just like that, we were through. How does that happen?

I made it home, curled myself into a ball on my bed, and cried myself to sleep. I spent three days like that in that same position. On the fourth day, I knew I needed to get my life together. I took a shower for the first time since that painful day and washed away the funk I accumulated – both literally and metaphorically. I grabbed an old pair of jeans and a worn hoodie and took a walk around my block. The fresh air felt good, but I couldn’t help feeling self-conscious in my skin. I pulled my hoodie over my head and made my way back home.

The days passed by slowly, but with the support and encouragement of my best friends, I started to gain momentum again. I picked up old hobbies I long forgot I loved. I got back in touch with my spirituality, cared for myself physically, mentally and emotionally. I danced naked in my room to music only I could hear. I looked at myself in the mirror and started to realize the beautiful soul that I was – have always been- and I fell in love. It hit me that I never saw myself in such a light and in that moment, I committed to always loving and putting myself first.

As time moved on, I continued to build and nurture this relationship with myself. I had never felt more confident and more loved. It’s true when they say that what we seek is already within us. I felt good – better than good- I felt amazing. One day on a whim I bought myself my favorite bouquet of flowers: roses with sunflowers. As I was trimming the stems and setting the vase, an idea sparked. “We’re going on a date!” I said out loud to myself. I skipped to the closet to find something to cute to wear. I decided on a pair of fitting jeans, an off the shoulder blouse, and booties. I laid my outfit on the bed to figure which accessories would go best.

An hour later I was fully dressed and adding the final touches to my hair. I decided to go with an updo with a couple of braids swooped to the side. Looking good and smelling good, I took a step back to admire myself in the mirror. “This is it,” I whispered to myself with nervous excitement as I walked out the door.

I reached the station and just made the train thanks to the gentleman that held the door for me. “Whew, thank you so much!” I exclaimed to him, slightly out of breath. “Now I couldn’t let such a pretty lady miss her train. If you don’t mind me asking, where are you headed?” I blushed a little and replied, “I’m actually on my way to a date.” The gentleman chuckled a bit then said, “I’m sorry, sis, I meant no disrespect. Must be a lucky guy.” I noticed an open seat. “The best, actually. Thank you again,” I said with a smile as I made my way to the empty seat. I reminisced for moment on the journey I had started almost a year ago. From feeling so heartbroken and worthless to where I am now. “You really are the best.” I whispered to myself.

“Ahem…ma’am. Would you like me to refill your glass?”

The waiter called me from my thoughts and it took me a second to respond. “Oh…um, yes. Yes, I’m sorry. Thank you.”

He gave me a look, almost as if judging to see if I should indeed have another glass of wine or not. I had to laugh a little. “I’m fine, I promise. I’m just a bit nervous to be honest. This is my first time eating in a place like this alone. I just feel a little weird.”

The waiter’s face melted from stern concern to understanding. “Well ma’am, there’s a first time for everything.” He looked over his shoulder briefly then continued, “if you would like, you could change your table to the one by the window over there. You might feel more comfortable, perhaps?”

He pointed out the exact table I wanted to begin with! I almost jumped at the opportunity, but something else nudged me before I could respond. I felt somewhere inside that I was going to be just fine where I was. I no longer felt like I wanted to hide. I looked over at the table I had wanted so bad, then back at the waiter. “You know, I think I can make it through right here. But thank you so much for the offer. I really appreciate it.” The waiter gave a nod but I’m almost certain that I saw an ever so slight smile on his face. “Very well ma’am. Your food will be out shortly. If you need anything, please let me know.” I thanked him again as he went to check on the next table.

The waiter was not lying. The food came out within ten minutes of our conversation and it was delicious! A lady from the table next to me was curious about the food I ordered. She thought it looked, “simply divine.” She went on to explain that she was eating for two now. She and her partner were out to celebrate her pregnancy, I congratulated the couple. She asked me what brought me there and I replied with ease that I wanted to treat myself to eat out. The woman said with surprise, “Why, that’s a wonderful idea.” I could tell she was being genuine. Our conversation was cut short when their waiter arrived to take their orders. I heard her order the same meal as me and she gave me a bit of a nod. I gave my glass a slight raise to the couple which was met with smiles and that was the end of our interaction.

I thoroughly enjoyed my food and was genuinely enjoying my time in the restaurant. To my own surprise, I wasn’t ready to leave just yet, so I began to browse the dessert menu. I was having an intense internal battle between the tiramisu, the cheesecake, or the cobbler, when a woman approached my table. I had noticed her briefly sitting at the bar when I first arrived but didn’t give it any thought. She introduced herself in a way that was gentle yet confident, like she didn’t want to startle me, and asked if she could take the seat across from me. I sized her up briefly before saying yes.

“I won’t take up too much of your time,” her voice had a slight rasp to it, “I just – I usually come here on my lunch. I work right across the street…I’ve never seen you here before.”

I really liked her voice.

“Well, no,” I started as I took a better look at her seated across from me. She was honestly beautiful. “I live in Brooklyn. I took the train here on a whim. I wanted to take myself on a date.”

“Oh. Well, I’m sorry I interrupted.”

“No, you’re not,” I quipped.

There was a pause before we both burst into laughter. I was surprised with myself that I responded so bluntly, and she was surprised I called her out. The ice had broken.

“I guess I’m on the spot now,” she laughed, “I live in Brooklyn too, I just work in the city. Maybe we can grab a bite to eat sometime, then walk the bridge? Have you ever been to Juniors?”

“I actually love their cheesecake.”

“Right! It is so good! So can I take you out this weekend?”

I looked side to side as if to make sure no one could hear us, then leaned in and lowered my voice. She began to look confused. “Don’t you think it’s a little rude to accept a date while I’m already on one?” I gave her a wink and to my delight she played right along. “You are so right! Where are my manners!?” She dramatically covered her face in shame. I giggled and suggested we exchange numbers.

After we put our numbers in each other’s phone, she glanced at her watch and realized her lunch was almost over. “Aw no, I have to head back but I’ll give you a call when I get off work -” She paused and tilted her head slightly, “- wait, never mind. Why don’t you call me whenever you’re done with your date? I get off at four, call me anytime after that. I’ll answer.”

Something about the way she said that made me blush and I know she noticed. I responded with ok and to have fun at work. She playfully rolled her eyes then told me to enjoy the rest of my date. I told her I will.

“Don’t forget to call me,” she said as she got up from the table.

“I won’t,” I responded. She gave me a warm smile as she made her way through the doors and across the street.

I felt bubbly inside as I picked up the dessert menu. I decided on the cheesecake. I ordered my dessert to go as I took one last sip of Merlot from my wine glass.