The 7 Types of Guys I've Met on Dating Apps

Dating in my 20s sucked, but mostly because I was being rejected by guys I liked who didn't like me back. Now in my 30s, I'm being rejected by guys I like who do appear to like me back. Confusing, I know. Welcome to dating in 2020.

You see, 15 years ago, it went like this:

Me: You're cute, and fun, and I like you.

Guy: I'm flattered, but I just want to be friends.

But today it's more like this:

Me: Hello! I see we like each other.

Guy: Yes! You seem really cool.

Me: What do you like to do for fun?

Guy: *crickets chirping*

Like, honestly, WTF happened to dating? I don't care if a guy isn't interested in me. I'm almost 40 years old, and that's way more depressing than being single. What bothers me is the amount of guys wasting my time.

I don't have to spend time talking to you. I don't need a man. Adam is the one God said was better off with a partner, not Eve. Sure, it would be nice to have a guy to share my life (but not my wine) with, but I'll manage just fine on my own.

Dating in 2020 is a lot like a fish shopping for a bicycle. Like, is it really necessary?

Here are the 7 types of guys I have encountered since using dating apps over the last several months.

The Flake

We match. We chat. Things seem to be going well. We talk about meeting for drinks sometime. But when the conversation turns to setting a time and place, dude disappears. He's still in my match queue, but seems to have gone incognito.

Maybe he wasn't that interested. Maybe he's a catfish. Most likely, he's too afraid to go out with me because his fragile ego would be damaged by my amazingness. That's definitely it. He just can't handle this much woman.

The Catfish

I didn't even know catfish (the dating app kind) existed until I started using dating apps. Like, why the hell do people catfish in the first place? Apparently, to make themselves feel more desirable (even though it's not them we desire), or to scam people into sending them money. What a sad existence either way.

I've now had so many guys catfish me, I know what to watch for. They usually use another person's photos - often a celebrity or member of the military - someone with a six pack, dreamy eyes, and an irresistible smile. Some of these posers think women are too stupid to know that Channing Tatum isn't on Tinder, and his name isn't really Josh.

These guys act very interested very quickly, and you can usually tell they are not genuine because of how aggressive they are.

Catfish generally follow one of two patterns in their communication:

1. "omg ur so beautiful I've never met anyone like you *kissy face emoji*"

2. "I'm soldier stationed in Iraq and I need money come home see you. Pls send to my acct. and ignore my broken English."

Luckily, I know better than to fall for these scams. If you come across an account that you discover is a catfish, you can report them and their account(s) to the FBI.

The Stalker

There are catfish who pretend to be in love with you, and there are guys who might actually be "in love" with you. I had one guy practically propose marriage after talking for just a week or two. We had never met in person, but he thought I was his dream woman.

In this case, I think he just wanted a mom for his son, because he travels a lot for work and lost his wife to terminal illness a few years ago (or so he said).

Whether he was being truthful or not, I need to know exactly who a guy is before I accept a date with him - and especially before I accept a marriage proposal.

The Vanisher

We match. We start chatting. The conversation flows nicely and I respond to his question or follow up with one of my own. And then, silence. Nothing. We never talked about meeting up - the conversation didn't get that far. But apparently something else (or someone else) captured his attention and now I'm sitting here wondering what happened.

It's fine if he lost interest. It's fine if he doesn't know how to hold a conversation. (It's ridiculous how many men on dating apps lack this skill.)

But un-match us if that's the case. My pipeline is reserved for men who earn their place, and if he's feeling indifferent, he can take his lack of interest elsewhere. I have wasted enough time on him already, so please move along. Otherwise, I'll move him along myself. Delete. Buh bye!

The Player

It's really sad how dispensable people have become. So many men (and women) on dating apps are just looking to get laid. Just looking for temporary physical pleasure with little to no real investment in another person. Honestly, that's sad. Is that all you think you're worth? A good lay? Sex is much better when there is an emotional connection, but you can't tell that to a penis.

And some guys make their intentions very clear from the get to. I had one guy offer to pay me to let him go down on me. Another sent a message that said, "I'd love to f*ck that pretty white mouth" (he was a black man). Needless to say, both got deleted, and likely spent their evenings alone with nothing but their own hands to pleasure them.

But some of these players are more smooth with their moves. They act as though they are interested in something meaningful, but work their magic so that women end up sleeping with them in the hopes of snagging a relationship. Sadly, these douche bags end up taking advantage of a lot of women.

The Ghost

There are guys who ghost after talking/meeting, and there are guys who just might be literal ghosts. It's like they do not exist. We match, and I send a message, but they never respond. Or, we match, and they never send a message, but they stay in my match queue. Why swipe on me if you have no plans to talk? Why are you on a dating app at all?

Again, I don't care. I'm not missing out. But why you gotta waste my time and clog up my queue, Casper?

The Non-Monogamist

One of the most surprising relationship trends I've discovered on dating apps is "ethical non-monogamy." Some use the term "poly amorous," while others say they are in an "open marriage." I don't care what you call it, I want no part of it. There is nothing ethical about cheating on your partner - no matter how you phrase it or try to justify it.

One guy I was talking to admitted that he was married, but claimed his wife was no longer attracted to him and wanted to explore being with women. He wanted to meet up with me and get to know each other, despite being married to his lesbian wife - and he has two young sons.

Aside from the obvious moral obligations I had to this situation, there's no way I want anything to do with a guy who is already invested in another woman. What would I have to gain from such an arrangement? Not a commitment. Not a quality relationship where I am prioritized. I refuse to be second place in any man's life. And I have no interest in being a sister wife, or sister girlfriend, or anything but a woman who is the only woman a man wants to be with.

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