The 5 Ways You Know You're Being Auditioned To Be The Next Lover

Dating is like one big auditioning process. Or a job interview. 

Any way you look at it, both sides are trying to work out if each other is right.

And in a way, we do certain things to work out exactly who we are getting into bed with.

We go on dates, where we talk about life. We go to the movies, to see how we are in social situations together, and to see if we share common interests. We go to the pub together to see how each other is after a drink too many.

We want to see all sides, to know if we can trust, love and devote ourselves to this person. But there is getting to know someone and then there is full-scale, unapologetic auditioning to be your partner.

And the latter is an entirely different beast.

Being auditioned to be someone's partner, especially when you don't know that's what is happening, sucks. It's happened to a friend of mine, recently, and the pain of figuring it out has soured their dating experience.

The situation has resulted in them putting up their metaphorical trust wall, in retaliation. My friend didn't know this was even happening until someone pointed it out to them. Cue the humiliation and horrified reaction.

I don't want you to end up like my friend.

Here's how to know if the person you have started seeing is testing you before committing to you.

They want to meet your family way too soon

Everyone has their own version of how quickly it is before you meet your partner's family. This is a debate we could have for hours. 

But as a general rule, most people would say they introduce a new partner to their family when:

• They know the relationship is something they want
• Both sides have confirmed it's an official relationship
• Both sides have discussed meeting the family and understand the significance of the occasion

Meeting family is a big deal, after all. When the family becomes invested, the relationship goes to the next level.

So when someone wants to meet your family before you've even confirmed you're in a relationship, it's a red flag. If they are auditioning you, it means they are:

• Seeing what breeding stock you come from - It's completely shallow, but if they want to have kids with you, looking to the family will tell how children might come out. Or what an ageing you might look like (baldness, weight gain, hereditary diseases etc). They see it as a preview of what's to come.
• Evaluating how you treat your family - They want to know how you speak, communicate, and what love language you use with your family. They evaluate how good of a person you are based on how you speak to the people you love.
• Evaluating whether the family likes them and if they will fit in - In their mind, there is zero point in dating someone whose family doesn't like them. So better to know this before getting serious.
• Evaluating the relationship between the family - Are you close with your siblings? How does that impact how you act with your partner? Are you too close to each other? They want to know how the family dynamic works before they become engaged in it. It's their way of knowing what they're in for with the family.

They want to meet your friends way too soon

Meeting friends is much the same as meeting family. But we all know how different socialising with friends differs from interacting with family.

Some would say you're more real around your friends. You drop the polite interactions you're obliged to have with your parents, for example. And some people see their friends more than they see their family.

Either way, when someone is auditioning you to be their partner, they want to meet the friends because they want to know:

• What you talk about with friends - Do you talk a lot about your life? Do you talk about sport, and only sport, for example? The test is to see what you're like with your friends behind closed doors, or if you have to socialise with each other.
• How you behave socially - Are your friends good or bad influences on you? Is your behaviour so different that it's intolerable?
• Who is the company you keep - You are a direct reflection of your friends. If all your friends are ex-criminals, for example, it indicates you are likely to be the same.
• If they could be friends with your friends - Most people don't see friends as a deal breaker. But someone testing you will consider all sides of your life, and evaluate whether they can deal with your friends or not. To them, they see it as having the "right" friends for them, or the "wrong" friends.

This can be a hard one to spot, by the way. We often meet our future partners whilst we are socialising with friends. Or we meet them through friends.

That's why this isn't the only red flag to suggest they're testing you. All these tests I mention throughout need to add up. More on that to come.

Work is also another avenue of your life they might insist on meeting early. Though most people testing you out will probably place judgement based on your job title alone, the more thorough auditioners will insist on seeing all sides of your life.

They might want to meet your boss, colleagues, or even some of your customers/clients, if that's applicable to you. Their perception is that they need to know everything about your life.

They want you to help do some heavy lifting

Relationships involve weathering the storm together. 

When you're a couple, life doesn't stop. It doesn't change or behave better because you're happy together. You have to survive whatever life throws at you as a team.

During the honeymoon period of a relationship, whilst you're still getting to know each other, we don't tend to weather anything together. We aren't close enough, we not used to leaning on each like that, and we aren't a team yet.

But when someone is testing you, they have to work out how you will be when the going gets tough, when they need you. They do this by asking you to do some heavy lifting, once again, too soon into the relationship. 

This could be:

• Literal heavy lifting - Helping them move something, going to pick up furniture together, fixing something for them. They're seeing how you are when the hard work begins.
• Going to an appointment with them - They ask you to take them to the doctor or lean on you for a medical emergency. It doesn't have to be medical; it could be seeing a lawyer or going with them to see their real estate agent to discuss business.
• Attending a funeral with them - You act as emotional support during a tough time in their life.
• A short trip with them - You go on holiday together to see how you function together as a team, navigating foreign places and the stress of travel.

They test your honesty and trust

Like the heavy lifting in life, trust and honesty is another implicit yet difficult part of a relationship. When you're entering a union, you have a certain level of trust. 

You trust the person enough to know:

• You can learn to trust them more as time goes on
• They will not physically harm you, and you can be alone with them
• They are open to growing their life with you
• They aren't seeing someone else/sleeping with other people, as claimed
• They are telling the truth about their life
• They are genuine in their interest to try and make a relationship work with you

This is all implied trust you have once you've gotten to know someone. You use your instincts to know whether this trust and honesty exist between you.

Not the person doing the auditioning, though. They don't trust their instincts; they want concrete facts.

Instead of asking you outright, or divulging their trust issues and explaining why they feel they might need to check you, they test you without your knowledge. 

They can do any of the following:

• Set a lie in motion - They tell you something, or someone else something, and see if you pass on the secret. Or they see how you react to the secret.
• Set a booby trap - They see how you react to an intentional distraction, such as a person who wants to sleep with them. Do they take the bait? How do they respond?
• Give you something precious to guard - They ask you to house sit, or babysit for them, or bestow a responsibility to you too soon in the relationship. How do you react? Do you care for this person/object with your life?

It's messed up by the way, because we don't act the same way during the initial stages of dating compared to in a relationship.

We tend to date multiple people or explore our options. We're single, we can do what we want. Testing this dedication before we're actually dedicated is setting us up for failure.

They withhold intimacy of any level

As you may have gathered from all the other ways they are auditioning you, this person is incredibly guarded.

They are choosey about who they date and don't want to let any old person into their love life. Some could argue they have high standards. I see it as impossible.

And they wouldn't like it if the shoe was on the other foot.

Allowing anyone to become physically close to them would render the auditioning process useless. Because once you become physical, there is no turning back. Even kissing is a step too far.

It's about self-preservation. If they keep an arm's distance, they don't become attached to the person they are testing. They haven't crossed the line from friend/person they know to lover.

When someone is doing everything on this list, be wary. 

But to cap it off, they aren't even entertaining physical romance with you, it's only clear they are testing you.

And if they aren't auditioning you, so to speak, but they are sending mixed signals (moving slowly with intimacy v. Moving quickly with meeting your whole life), call them out.

You don't have to be rude about it. But it's not fair to let them play out this relationship solely how they want to.

It takes two to have this relationship. Them and you.