Every Time Your Stubborn Attitude Helps Your Relationship

Relationships are about working together, right?

It's about working through things together, using each other's knowledge and support to overcome the obstacles of life. It's about forming an unbreakable team that grows with love, time and wisdom.

What usually sabotages most relationships is when our heads turn into that of pigs. And we refuse to see the other person's point of view. Black and white stubbornness.

It's the root cause of many fights and eventual break-ups. When one person refuses to give in, the relationship comes crumbling down.

Well, that's the theory anyway. It's not always the case in practice.

Stubbornness gets a bad wrap in relationships. It's seen as a child-like quality, where a person stomps their feet until they get their way. Or until the other person caves in and tells them they are right.

What we're mistaking here is the extreme version of stubbornness. We assume the true meaning of 'stubborn'; the refusal to budge despite the fact we probably should.

But there are many times when being resolute in our ideas, values and actions is a good thing.

In fact, here's how a little healthy dose of stubbornness could serve your relationship, especially when the going gets really damn tough.

In times of need, we need to simplify decision making

Our society has become obsessed with choice. We need choices in our life, the more the better. More options of toothpaste in the bathroom aisle of the supermarket. More choices of cuisine in the food hall of a supermarket. More everything. And that's just the basics of life.

More choices in life mean more decisions. It equals greater confusion, more time spent making basic decisions, and more effort to complete simple tasks. It's easy for this optionality to be harmful to our lives.

Now add someone else into the mix, into the decision-making process, what then?

The thought of these too many choices is exhausting when nothing is wrong in life. And when you're not battling hardship or trauma.

But what happens when life throws you a curveball? Let's say someone is sick, you experience a death in the family, or you lose all your money. How do you get through your everyday life with your relationship intact?

It wouldn't hurt in these situations to depend on "stubborn" routines to get your relationship through rough patches. To have things that remain the same despite the chaos pulling your relationship down. 

It could be as simple as sticking to your daily workout routine.

It means the pair of you both have more time and energy to focus on the issues without everything else in your life falling down around you. It means you have fewer decisions to make in life.

Not putting up with deal breakers

As I typed the words 'deal breakers' I realised we created a socially acceptable way of saying "relationship stubbornness".

Basically, deal breakers are everything in relationships we aren't comfortable accepting. They aren't issues, traits or situations we're happy to keep the relationship going if they are in play.

Deal breakers are an important form of stubbornness. It means we sustain relationships that:

• Make us happy every single day
• Fulfil our romantic needs - Physical and romantic, in terms of how we are physically and emotionally supported. And fulfilled.
• Allow us to have the long-term future we want - The age-old debate of kids versus no kids is a classic example of this 'stubbornness'.
• Pull away from people who we don't want to be with - It means we can walk away from a relationship without feeling guilt for the other person's emotions. It helps us step out of relationships.

Sometimes it's easy to mix up negative stubbornness with deal breakers. 

Especially for the people looking into your relationship. They can assume you're being fussy about who you date, or being too harsh on the other person.

Ultimately, everyone has deal breakers though. And we shouldn't judge others for living and dying by them.

After all, it's your love life, not anyone else's.

Leaving abusive relationships

I've left the biggest deal breaker of all, something that transcends the 'deal breaker' title. Stubbornness and the ability to walk away from abusive relationships.

I remember telling an old boyfriend what my mother taught me as a child. She instilled into me this one mantra for whoever I date. She said, with absolute clarity, 

"If a man raises a hand to you, walk away. Leave immediately."

This old boyfriend thought I was being stubborn because I refused to budge on what I believed. He thought my non-negotiable about my love life was a symbol of how difficult I was about the rest of my life.

He had no idea the difference between being 'stubborn' (or difficult as he put it), deal breakers, and non-negotiable, fundamental beliefs that will never waver.

We all know a situation when people can't walk away even though they know they should. Sometimes, it's because they have someone like my ex telling them they are being difficult when in reality they are being abused.

It's a shame that people label doing the right thing as being stubborn. This attitude keeps people trapped in horrible situations.

Keeping your relationship on the right path

When you're goal hunting, you have to make some significant sacrifices in your life. Let's pick something very common; weight loss. 

If you want to lose weight, you might find yourself having to sacrifice:

• Going out for dinner as much as you're used to
• Drinking or binge eating during social situations
• Sleeping in most days so you can fit in a workout
• Skipping your favourite television show to take a class at the gym
• Missing out on important life events because you can't resist the temptation of food, drinks and people who put you off course

We call this sacrificing for a noble cause. Your health is important, right?! Good on you.

But what you're being in this situation is stubborn. You're refusing to let anything bend your belief that your goal comes first. It's good stubbornness. Acceptable stubbornness.

Imagine if you and your partner applied that stubborn attitude to your relationship goals.

I've seen it most recently with friends of mine who are trying for a baby. One-half of the couple is doing all the sacrificing for the goal. They are being stubborn in their behaviours because they are trying to get pregnant. 

They have:

• Quit drinking the moment they decided to start trying
• Going to doctor's appointments for tests and conception advice
• Eating the right foods, exercising and feeling their body right
• Working on their mental health to ensure stress is low

The other half of the couple is doing the opposite. They aren't being stubborn at all. They are:

• Still drinking with no change to their frequency
• Not going to get blood tests and scans the doctor has requested
• Not even showing up to doctors appointments
• Neglecting their health
• Working too much to the detriment of the time needed to conceive a baby

We're told in relationships to be flexible and understanding of each other. We're told to keep an open mind, adjust to change and allow the other person to be themselves.

But when stubbornness and anti-stubbornesss operate at the same time, your relationship goals never go anywhere. It's like being in a boat with both people rowing in the opposite direction.

If you're both not stubborn together, you don't get anywhere. And if you both embrace anti-stubbornness, you're definitely standing still.

Where you don't want to end up; as a pushover

If we were to go so far the other way of stubbornness, where we take on our partner's thoughts, views and feelings of the world to the extreme, we end up in the overanalysing territory.

It's not just anti-stubbornness; it's becoming dominated by choice and possibility.

And, once it consumes you, that's when you become a doormat to your partner. You've comprised all your values. 

Why? 

Because you've relinquished the stubbornness trait that allows you to express what you want. You've stopped being "difficult". And now you blindly allow your partner to rule your relationship with their values.

Here's the cycle you want to avoid. The more you believe you're being difficult, you do everything to undo this trait. You turn into a people pleaser, where your partner gets everything they want, and you get nothing.

It doesn't help when a partner allows this to happen to you. For some, it's irresistible. They are getting everything they've ever dreamed of and unconsciously they don't want it to end.

In reality, this doesn't build a strong, lasting or fair relationship. You end up unhappy. 

And so will they.

Stubbornness doesn't have to be, well, stubborn. You don't have to be extreme either way. It's important to have a healthy balance of giving and taking.

My advice; find the balance.