Talking to the (non) Hate

Why can’t I talk to you? I talk to you about happy things. I even express my sad things, but when it comes to casual things, I can’t talk to you. You joke about the insecurities. Pretend that it’s ok because it’s for laughs. When it honors you and not the other is funny right? You don’t even know and yet if called out, you’re the one that feels guilty and runs away. I feel sad when I can’t talk to you. The things you do become things that can change over time but I won’t be the one who finally changes you because that’s all you. Sometimes I feel the more we get to talk, the more we get to know each other, we grow. When you talk about love and lust, I want to think you’re talking about me. In reality, you could be talking about your ex. How your relationship went, or how things around you remind you of what used to be.

I can’t talk to you about your ex. There are times I wonder why you do the things you do. I always imagine a future of us together so bringing an ex in conversation seems not right. We are said to have an open-door policy between us but I can’t talk to you if you keep deflecting us. I can’t talk to you about certain things. Practices like boundaries and self-care prevent us from being fully open with ourselves. The more we understand the more we appreciate the necessity of such measures. Friends should feel safe. Sharing and experiencing together is a sign of a good friendship. The way you mirror force the responsibilities is concerning at times. You separate yourself from the cause as if you hold no merit when you are the one who lit the torch.

Why I can’t talk to you in times of need. Caught in a storm or trapped in an overwhelming home. Are you making it easy not to rely on you or are you used to pushing people away? When you do show up, you make a statement. One that can illuminate the bad ones. Some of your mishaps are understandable. Unable to contact unable to phone.

Once or twice your mistakes are looked over, if you become a pattern then the concern is destined to come. The value of loyalty and reliability is of utmost care. One that the important ones shall bear. I can’t talk to you given boundaries could be against me. For your mental health but practiced so I can’t even climb. Thoughts and memories are cycled to the project. They become clouds as you blow away from the dark.

I hate it. I don’t like not being with you. All I can think of is your smile, your laugh. Your kindness to the things not everyone notices. But I notice. I see the good that you are. I want to be with you through the bad. Hold you and help you make things easier. You have such a way with words that we could make a book together if we wanted to. I think about how you approach things. How you live in the moment encourages me to do the same.

I hate how much I want you. Not just something casual but something more. You make it so hard to forget you but I don’t want to. I want to experience love, pleasure, and happiness with you. I want to have a fight with you just so we can make up and grow together. I want you to give us a shot. I want you to risk what we have built for happiness that’s unknown to us. I want you to be afraid of what might come of this. It shows how far we have come and how much you care. Wanting something more for a better future and breaking through the what-if. I want you so much that I hate it, but I love you.