friendship
C.S Lewis got it right: friendship is born when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one!"
10:38
When that thought first popped into my head, I was sitting in my classroom, patiently waiting for the power to return. We were operating on generators, so my laptop was on, but the phones and Internet connections were not, so I was looking for ways to amuse myself. No Internet meant none of my online students could do their work. I glanced at the clock. A familiar rumble in my stomach reminded me that the banana I ate while pumping gas into our 2012 Honda Pilot at 6:55 this morning had long since stopped fulfilling my need for nourishment, so I reached for the "breakfast of champions" that I kept in my bag: Brown sugar and cinnamon Pop-Tarts. As I opened the package, the radio crackled, and the voice of the maintenance man reported that the electricity had been restored. I rebooted my computer, restarted my required landline phone, and waited for the onrush of students that wouldn't happen. When I opened to write, the time spoke to me, and these thoughts tumbled out.
By Mack D. Ames3 months ago in Humans
Feelings Are Real, But Not Always Valid (Rethinking Cheating, Boundaries, and Emotional Control)
This article was written in response to the video published by YouTube Creator "Tejas Huller" available to view by clicking here . --- I think this video is both entertaining and useful. It shows how vague the language around cheating, consent, boundaries, and betrayal can become in a creative, engaging, and unique way. The therapist defines cheating as breaking a relational agreement without the other person’s consent. That sounds clean, but the video itself proves how messy that gets once we leave obvious sexual betrayal and start talking about gray areas. The biggest issue is that many relationship agreements are unspoken. If a boundary was clearly spoken, mutually understood, and applied equally, then violating it can be a real betrayal. But if the “agreement” was mostly assumed inside one person’s head, then it is harder to say the other person cheated. There is a big difference between breaking a covenant and failing to obey an expectation that was never clearly communicated. Feelings matter, but feelings are not automatically moral verdicts. Someone can feel betrayed because their partner crossed a serious line. Someone can also feel betrayed because of insecurity, fear, trauma, jealousy, or assumptions. Those deserve care and conversation, but they should not automatically become proof that the other person is guilty. That is why “feelings are always valid” needs context. The feeling may be valid as an internal experience. “I felt hurt.” “I felt embarrassed.” “I felt unsafe.” “I felt replaced.” Those are real experiences. But the conclusion attached to the feeling may still need to be tested. Feeling betrayed does not always mean betrayal occurred. Feeling disrespected does not always mean disrespect was intended. Feeling unsafe does not always mean the other person was dangerous. The Hinge example shows this clearly. They have been seeing each other for eight weeks, talking every day, FaceTiming every night, and sleeping together, but they never had the formal exclusivity conversation. One person says that would be a 10 because she would be done. That is fair as a personal standard. She can decide, “This is not what I want.” But calling it cheating is harder if exclusivity was never actually established. It may reveal mismatched values, poor communication, or different assumptions, but assumption is not the same as agreement. The coffee shop flirting example makes the same point. One person sees flirting for a discount as mostly harmless until the partner introduces them as “just a friend.” Another sees the whole thing as scummy and close to cheating. Another says if both partners are in on the joke, then it is fine because there is no dishonesty between them. That proves context matters. The same behavior changes meaning depending on secrecy, humiliation, repetition, intention, and whether the couple is united or divided by it. The actor scenario also needs clarity. If someone is dating an actor, on-screen kissing may come with the profession. But staying late for extra practice with an attractive co-star, then telling your partner afterward, is a different issue. The problem is not only the kiss. It is the lack of communication, the after-hours intimacy, the private practice, and the fact that the partner learns about it after the fact. The real question is whether the action honored the relationship and stayed inside the spirit of trust. The workplace happy hour scenario shows another layer. A partner may say, “I am just concerned people will talk,” when what they really mean is, “I feel insecure about this.” I agree vulnerability is usually healthier. But there is also danger in making one partner responsible for managing every emotional fluctuation of the other. A loving partner should care about your feelings, but caring does not mean surrendering all independence to your discomfort. This is where consent language can become too powerful. It is one thing to say, “I choose to respect you, and I want to understand what hurts you.” That is love. It is another thing to say, “You cannot do that because I feel uncomfortable.” That can become control. One invites mutual honor. The other turns one person’s feelings into authority over the other person’s actions. Can one partner really require consent for every like, every text, every meal, every coworker interaction, every joke, every casual flirtation, every ex, every social media habit, every professional situation, and every private feeling? At some point, that stops being trust and becomes surveillance. It also creates the obvious question: can the other person refuse to consent to that level of control? The better framework is spoken, mutual, reciprocal agreement. What counts as flirting? What counts as emotional intimacy? What should be disclosed? What is okay with coworkers? What is okay with exes? What is okay online? What is embarrassing, dishonoring, or dangerous? What is a real boundary, and what is an insecurity that needs healing rather than obedience? The hotel bar kiss is different because it moves from gray area into clear betrayal. A work trip, alcohol, emotional chemistry, physical closeness, and a kiss is cheating to most people for good reason. The confession and remorse matter, but they do not erase the act. And “it was the alcohol” is too weak. The more honest answer is probably, “I liked feeling desired,” or “I let myself enjoy the attention,” or “I failed to leave when I knew where it was going.” So my takeaway is this: feelings matter, but feelings cannot be the whole standard. Consent matters, but consent cannot carry the whole weight of relationship morality. A healthy relationship needs trust, honesty, duty, self-control, clarity, reciprocity, and spoken agreements. Without those, boundaries can become control, feelings can become accusations, and consent can become leverage instead of love. And even if something is not cheating, it can still be a valid reason to break up. Someone can say, “This violates my preferences, my emotional security, or the kind of relationship I want.” That is fair. People can leave over incompatibility. But that is different from saying, “You cheated,” or “You are a cheater,” when no clear agreement was ever made. That distinction matters because “cheater” carries serious moral weight. It marks someone as dishonest, unsafe, disloyal, and untrustworthy. That label should not be thrown around simply because two people had different assumptions about appropriate conduct. Imagine if “abuse” had the same loose definition. If people used that word for every painful disagreement, every hurt feeling, every conflict, every incompatibility, and every moment of emotional discomfort, the word would either lose its power or unjustly destroy people’s lives. Cheating works similarly. The accusation has force because it implies betrayal of a real agreement. If it gets used for every gray-area discomfort or unspoken expectation, it becomes unstable. It either loses meaning, or it becomes a weapon. So the strongest standard is this: if a couple clearly agreed that certain conduct is off-limits, then violating that agreement is betrayal. But if the agreement was never spoken, mutually understood, or equally applied, then the issue may be incompatibility, poor communication, immaturity, carelessness, or emotional mismatch. It may still be breakup-worthy. But that does not automatically make it cheating. A healthy relationship needs more than one person saying, “That hurt me, therefore you betrayed me.” It needs both people saying, “Here is what loyalty means to us. Here is what we agree not to do. Here is what we both consider disrespectful. Here is what we will communicate before it becomes a problem.” Trust is built through mutual clarity, not emotional veto power. I also want to push back a bit on the phrase “all feelings are valid.” I think a better phrase is this: "All feelings are real. All feelings are sourced. All feelings have roots. But that does not mean all feelings are accurate, fair, proportional, morally authoritative, or entitled to control someone else’s behavior." Feelings are sensors. They pick up on things we might otherwise miss. A feeling can alert us to danger, disrespect, distance, attraction, insecurity, embarrassment, fear, jealousy, sadness, or betrayal. But sensors can also be distorted. Feelings are filtered through limited information, timing, stress, trauma, insecurity, past relationships, worldview, personality, attachment style, and whatever story the person is already telling themselves in that moment. So yes, feelings should be taken seriously. But taking them seriously does not mean treating them as automatically correct. A person can feel betrayed without betrayal actually occurring. A person can feel unsafe without the other person being dangerous. A person can feel disrespected without disrespect being intended. A person can feel abandoned because of an old wound, even if the current partner did nothing wrong. That is why I think “valid” is often the wrong word. If valid means “real and worth discussing,” fine. But if valid means “morally correct and entitled to authority,” then no. All feelings are real. Not all feelings are valid in that stronger sense. And no one else is automatically responsible for another person’s feelings. In a loving relationship, we should care about each other’s emotional state. We should listen. We should be gentle. We should try to understand. But caring is different from surrendering authority. One person’s discomfort should not automatically govern the other person’s free will. This matters because accusations carry consequences. Calling someone a cheater is not merely a subjective emotional expression. It is a serious moral characterization. It comes with stigma, reputation damage, loss of trust, loss of opportunity, relational consequences, and its own emotional burden. If the only reason someone is labeled a cheater is because they did something that hurt another person’s feelings, especially by violating an unspoken agreement, then the word becomes dangerously unstable. Because then the logic can reverse. If your hurt feelings give you authority to call me a cheater, what happens when I feel hurt by that accusation? If I feel wounded because I believe your accusation is unjust, unfounded, exaggerated, or based on a rule we never agreed to, do my feelings now control your speech? Do my feelings now mean you are not allowed to say that? What if I feel hurt by you saying I cannot do something because it hurts you? Obviously, a relationship built on that kind of emotional tug-of-war would collapse quickly. But that is the point. When we stress-test the idea at the extremes, we can see the problem: we cannot all be automatically right when our feelings directly compete. One person’s feeling may say, “You betrayed me.” The other person’s feeling may say, “You are unfairly accusing me.” Both feelings may be real, but both conclusions cannot automatically be morally authoritative at the same time. That is why feelings should be addressed, but they should not automatically impose restrictions on another person’s behavior. Each person has to take responsibility for their own emotions, their own emotional regulation, their own communication, and their own needs, wants, desires, preferences, wounds, and expectations. Someone saying, “I need you to stop doing this so I do not feel this negative emotion,” is not automatically expressing a true need. It may reveal a real struggle. It may reveal that they need reassurance, clarity, healing, support, or a conversation about expectations. But it may also reveal that they are trying to make another person responsible for managing an emotion that ultimately belongs to them. That is not always a boundary. A boundary says, “If this happens, this is how I will choose to respond.” A demand says, “You are not allowed to do this because I feel bad.” Those are different. A boundary governs my participation. A demand governs your behavior. Saying, “I will not stay in a relationship where my partner does this,” is a boundary. Saying, “You are not allowed to do this because my feelings cannot handle it,” is an attempt to control another person’s choice. Now, the request itself might be reasonable. It might be fair to ask your partner to avoid certain behavior. It might be wise for a couple to agree that some conduct is disrespectful or dangerous. But the reasonableness of the request still needs to be tested. It should not become law simply because one person feels hurt. This is especially important in dating. When two people are married or deeply covenant-bound, there is a much higher level of shared burden. In marriage, two people are meant to bear each other’s burdens, protect each other, feel the weight of each other’s struggles, and treat the other as an extension of their own body. That level of mutual ownership makes sense inside a covenant that has public vows, duties, protections, and permanence. But dating is different. Dating should involve care, honesty, and respect, but it should not prematurely create the kind of emotional ownership that belongs inside marriage. Without the boundaries and protections of covenant, it can become unhealthy for one person’s emotional state to hold sweeping authority over the other person’s behavior. So the better standard is this: all feelings are real, and all feelings deserve honest communication. But feelings are not automatically accurate, not automatically fair, and not automatically entitled to rule. A healthy relationship does not say, “My feelings control your choices.” It says, “My feelings reveal something we should talk about, and then we decide together what is wise, fair, mutual, and true.” That is also why cheating should not be defined only by hurt feelings. Cheating should involve the betrayal of a real relational agreement, preferably one that is spoken, mutually understood, and mutually applied. Something can hurt. Something can be breakup-worthy. Something can reveal incompatibility. But unless it violated a real agreement, calling it cheating may be more accusation than truth.
By Peter Thwing - Host of the FST Podcast3 months ago in Humans
BORN TO SUFFER
Have you ever held something so incredibly fragile that you were actually terrified to breathe? I’m not talking about a physical object, like a glass ornament or a dried leaf. I mean that feeling in your chest when you realize someone you care about is hanging by a thread, and you are completely, utterly powerless to fix it. It’s a specific kind of helpless. The kind that hollows you out.
By KWAO LEARNER WINFRED3 months ago in Humans
What the River Knows
Two Lives Running Parallel Until the Current Changed The river had been there before the town and would be there after it. This was something that both Hannah and George understood independently, having both arrived at the river separately and for different reasons, and having both found in its consistency a quality that their lives currently lacked.
By The Curious Writer3 months ago in Humans
The Mountain Between Them
Helena had planned the solo climb specifically because it was the one thing her grief counselor had suggested that she had not yet tried — being somewhere so demanding that the present tense became the only available tense. She was thirty-eight, a sports physician, fourteen months past the death of her younger brother, and she had the specific competence of someone who knew the clinical language of grief and was finding it wholly insufficient.
By The Curious Writer3 months ago in Humans
The Repair Shop
Everything Broken Finds Its Way to Someone Who Knows How to Listen The sign above the door said: Mended Things — Repairs, Restoration & General Fixing. It had been there for thirty years, the paint touched up every few years but the lettering never changed, because the woman who owned the shop did not believe in reinventing things that were working.
By The Curious Writer3 months ago in Humans
7 Best ways to know if a guy or girl have a crush on you
7 Best Ways to Know If a Guy or Girl Has a Crush On You Ever caught someone staring a little too long and wondered, “Is this a crush or just friendly?” Crushes are subtle, but people give themselves away. Here are the 7 most reliable signs to look for: 1. The “Accidental” Eye Contact + Quick Look Away What it looks like: You catch them looking at you. The second you look back, they snap their eyes away and maybe smile or get flustered. Why it means crush: Eye contact is intimate. A crush makes people nervous, so they can’t hold it when you notice. Friends will just stare back or wave. 2. They Find Excuses to Be Near You What it looks like: They sit closer in class, join the same group, “coincidentally” show up where you are, or volunteer to partner with you. Why it means crush: Proximity = comfort. If someone with options keeps choosing to be in your space, you’re the reason. 3. The Behavior Changes Around You Only What it looks like: They’re loud and bold with everyone else, but quieter, teasing, or extra helpful with you. Or the opposite: they act loud and goofy just to get your attention. Why it means crush: Crushes make people self-conscious. They’re performing for you without realizing it. 4. They Remember Small Details What it looks like: You mentioned you like suya 2 weeks ago, and they remember. They ask how that test went. They notice a new haircut. Why it means crush: People don’t waste brain space on friends’ random details. If they’re storing yours, you matter more to them. 5. Teasing + Light Touch = Their Love Language What it looks like: Playful teasing, light nudges, “accidental” arm touches, or fixing something on your clothes. Why it means crush: Touch breaks the “friend barrier.” If they’re comfortable in your personal space and it feels flirty, not just friendly, that’s a tell. 6. They Get Jealous or Competitive What it looks like: They get quiet when you talk to someone else, joke “so you like them now?”, or suddenly try to one-up another guy/girl around you. Why it means crush: Jealousy = “I don’t want to lose you to someone else.” Friends don’t get possessive. 7. They Make Time + Put Effort In What it looks like: They reply fast, start conversations, react to your status, or go out of their way to help you. Even when they’re busy. Why it means crush: Time is the most honest currency. If someone is busy but still makes time for you, you’re a priority. Important: One sign ≠ a crush. Look for 3+ together. A person can be friendly and do 1 or 2 of these. A crush usually shows up as a pattern. Rule of thumb: If they give you consistent attention + nervous energy + they remember you, there’s a crush there. What next? Don’t overthink it. Test it. Smile more, give them an opening, and see if they lean in. Crushes die without a little courage. Which of these signs have you noticed from someone lately?
By Michael Skylas 3 months ago in Humans
YOU NEVER FORGET THE NEIGHBORHOOD KIDS YOU GREW UP WITH
I don’t know who came up with the saying, “you never forget the neighborhood kids you grew up with,” but it’s 100% true. We all lived on the same block. We all knew each other. Our parents were all friends. We all trusted each other. If I remember correctly, one or two of them even had a spare key to our house.
By Pamela Dirr3 months ago in Humans
