Online Dating
Online Dating

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‘Right, so the little grey tick means it’s delivered. When it comes up with their profile picture it means they’ve opened it. And if they haven’t replied, they’re not FUCKIN’ INTERESTED!’ – My Dad

‘Those that go searching for love, only manifest their own lovelessness. And the loveless never find love, only the loving find love. And they never have to seek for it.’ Mark Twain

‘There are two kinds of sparks, the one that goes off with a hitch like a match, but it burns quickly. The other is the kind that needs time, but when the flame strikes... it's eternal, don't forget that.’ – Timothy Oliveira

Ladies: Are you STILL single? Are you fighting a losing battle to find your soul mate? Do you get close to a guy, think things are going well, only for him to freak out and run a mile? Are you continuously haunted by ghosting? Are you swiping right for only disappointment to be left? Are you constantly being snubbed on 'seen?’ Are you scared to ask him if he wants to take things further? I DARE you to read to the end of this post to find out the top ten reasons YOU ARE GOING WRONG.

Disclaimer: for every word you read you will be charged 0.50p. This webpage only contains three reasons (and even they are ambiguous.) For the full ten, CLICK HERE to subscribe to my daily podcast where I reveal just one word-a-day to get you closer to discovering your power. If you pay £29.99 a month you will have access to my website contents page that shows you just enough information to make you pay another tenner for the full content. You can sign up to a three free day trial, cancel anytime but make sure you do before the second day because we will take your card details and we will charge you a cancellation fee anyway. And if you’re still shit at making him fall for you, if you really are that terrible, undesirable and useless, I urge you to come to my retreat in Ibiza for just £999.99 (1 night, out at 7 am sharpish) where I will disclose the secret tools you need to get that man.

Further disclaimer – flights, accommodation and meals not included, please bring your own pillows. Probably a vibrator too because you’re going to feel quite alone.

WELL,WHAT’S THIS ALL ABOUT THEN EH?

When did it become acceptable to have to PAY for love? That sort of thing when I last checked was illegal, seedy and probably has a very sad backstory.

If he is not ready for you then leave. Stick to google for weather updates, zodiac compatibility and when the next bank holiday is.

Truth is, if you are having to seek relationship advice from a youtuber or an online dating coach – the relationship likely isn’t worth pursuing, surely? If it’s that much work, if you have to adapt your behaviour, actions and intuitions so much so that you actually manage to impose some weird reverse psychology on a gentleman who is quite clearly unsure about what he wants - leave. him. alone. focus. on. you.

Grandparents didn’t have to sit there with their nose in books reading ‘how to court thy fair lady,’ or ‘how to seek approval from thy courtship,’ (okay slight exaggeration with the archaic language there but you know what I mean.) They just did it, boy meets girl, girl meets boy. The end.

I am fully aware times are wholly different now and much more challenging in terms of forming unison for a whole plethora of reasons (many of which I discuss in my posts.) But honestly? If you’re being ignored, ‘ghosted,’ left on ‘seen,’ made to feel like you’ve done something wrong so early on, what will that say for the rest of the relationship?

If your friend took four days to reply to your text, I’m sure you’d let her know about it: ’alright there Sal, are you still with us bbs xo?’

You’re looking at your phone every two minutes to see if he’s replied, you’re tailoring your responses when he eventually does to ‘guarantee’ a text back. Your non digital conversations then steer so far away from reality and honesty that they become insipid and meaningless and probably about Carol Baskin. Which is what everyone is talking about right now. Let’s start using our imaginations a bit more for cripes sake.

You know why she fed him to the tigers? She googled how to get the guy and grew so tired of keeping up a false persona and feeding him inane bullshit that she fed him elsewhere instead.

You hold back on saying what you truly think / feel / stand by in fear of scaring each other off. Well let’s be real here, how are you ever going to learn about one another, better behaviours and put the enjoyment and ease back in dating if you don’t tell the truth. And how will you really know if you don’t want to see someone again for genuine, authentic reasons - rather than the fussy, superficial ones our brains have conjured up - if you aren’t even seeing them for them.

Instead, you rely on internet tips and tricks to manipulate the minds of a chap who clearly just isn’t there yet. Perhaps he never will be, but that’s not your problem honey STEP AWAY FROM THE NOOKIE JAR.

Dating should be fun, enjoyable and memorable experiences. It’s a time to figure out who you may or may not want to hang out with again. A good story to tell, a confidence boost, even if it doesn’t go the way your mind was telling you it should. Remove expectations. Don’t make it all serious and weird and ignorant and paranoid and insecure and why the FUCK HASN’T HE TEXT ME BACK YET I CAN SEE HE’S SEEN IT.

You see he’s online and wonder if he can see that you are online too, waiting for the instant dopamine dose when he starts typing, but then he drops offline again. Corrrr, imagine if you did that in real life, like you just stared at each other for minutes at the restaurant table in painful silence. When he eventually opens his mouth to say something...nothing. He just ups and leaves. You wouldn’t do it in real life eh? So why in digital? Feelings are still the same.

You know what the top tip is to deal with the type of guy that goes cold after being full steam ahead? Match his behaviour. Go and chat to some other potential warmer upper. Or don’t, be single, that’s warming too. These options will work out much better for you than the self esteem robbing, insecurity inducing, ego damaging situation you’re in currently.

I am not doubting these coaches, I am sure they offer sound advice and have devoted themselves to helping devotion elsewhere, which is undoubtedly admirable. I am sure the top ten tricks to make him desire you may well work if you subscribe. But that’s the problem? When did we have to WORK to get a fucking date? When did we have to subscribe to get a shag? Click for clicks? And why should anyone MAKE someone fall for them? That sounds forceful and superficial, the kind of bunny boiler terminology that will only end up in fear and insecurity.

I totally understand and respect that these people need to make money and their entrepreneurial excellence is commendable, but ‘challenging,’ ‘daring’ and ‘urging’ us to read more and click here and subscribe now and like, share, repost this? It really is crazy how complicated it’s become.

Well, do you know what I say? Want to know the REAL reason you are going wrong? Just pop the last three digits on the card in the box below please, yeah the three numbers on the back of the card? Just there. Thanks.

I am mainly talking about women seeking advice from the internet here. But you do see it in reverse too so again, adjust the pronouns as you require. But you don’t see it quite as much in annul because there is usually always a woman seeking a man’s approval. And you know why that is? Because she has had it shattered by another lost, confused chap who isn’t sure where his head is.

Chances are, if you are resonating with this post, it hasn’t just happened once. There’s a bit of a dating inception theme going on (where’s Leo D-Cap though am I right? (I’d date the shit out of him ten times over.))

If you’re meddling with your authentic persona/s (we have many) and instinctive behaviors to make them attracted to you, what a show to keep up? You may well get the guy if you don’t reply to his text when you normally would, say you’re busier than you are, behave unavailably, send him a photo of you in a nice dress because you’re going out, going out of YA MIND BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT ACTUALLY GOING ANYWHERE, YA JUST DID IT BECAUSE LOVE GURU NATHAN TOLD YA TO.

You’ve followed all the guidance from a three week subscription to ‘its not him it’s you,’ (they even give you text templates?!?!) and you get the guy.

Now what? You’ve become so fearful and reliant on this coach that now you’ve got the guy, you are freaking out about how to keep him. So you google ‘how to keep the guy.’ Yeah that’s gonna be another £19.99 please. Thaaaat's it, and the expiry date please?

My point is, if you’re not being you, (or you’s, there are multiple) to form a connection with someone, isn’t it a bit of a superficial start?

Maybe the reason we are struggling to form long term loyal bonds because we are putting too much into something that should be natural. We try and be 'ourselves' so much so that we end up not being ourselves at all. So, we consult google and YouTube and then come even more away from who we really are. Why don’t we just admit that we are not for everyone and everyone is not for us?

Our egos become so damaged when our affections aren’t reciprocated that we pine after them even more. Want to find out where you’re going wrong? You’re not, you’re just being a typical, beautiful human. I DARE you to read on to find out what you should do next.

Ladies: If you keep yanking on that ever increasing in length bit of string, it entitles him to behave in a way that makes you act like you need to watch YouTube tutorials that insinuate YOU are going wrong. And most of the time you are seeking relationships in incompatible or uncommitted partners because of something deeper. An ego thing perhaps. Daddy issues (I like to call them papa problems,) some deep suppressed traumatic event that you don’t think could relate to why you keep making the same pattern of behaviour, maybe it’s protection – if you got for someone unavailable you wont be hurt as much as if you were with someone that was committed? Dig deeper. Don’t accept crumbs. Higher those standards and reduce all expectations. And that is not a paradox. It means don’t accept crumby behaviour, but don’t expect every chap you meet and have mind blowing texts with will mean it’s going to mind blowing across the board. You know the signs, the patterns of cold, noncommittal behaviour because you have seen them before. If you want a boyfriend, that’s cool – but keep searching, and don’t accept anything less than a boyfriend. There are plenty of capable, committing men out there. And hey, if you conclude that you don’t want a boyfriend, that is cool too. BUT LOVE YOURSELF FIRST BABY YOU ARE ONE IN A BILLION.

Gentlemen: If you’re not into it, let the lady know. And if you’re unsure – let the lady know. You could even talk about what you’re unsure about. Save her a few bobbin and a self esteem points. Honest conversations can help us all figure out what it is we want, or what it is we don’t for that matter. And just as an FYI, women are googling how to get you! You are a google search! Don’t let that go to your head, it isn’t a good thing, it means you’re not paying attention, you’re acting crumby, and untrue to yourself and others. So, if you are going cold enough to make a girl act in a way you find distasteful, it’s likely because she isn’t getting what she deserves from you. If you keep repeating the same pattern of boy meets girl, boys texts the shit out of girl, boy hangs out with girl, boy gets cold feet, then maybe you’re not in a position to be in a relationship. AND THAT’S COOL. LOVE YOURSELF FIRST BABY YOU'RE ONE IN A BILLION.

Both: As with all my conclusions, learn about yourselves first and figure out what you want rather than accept / act with poor behaviour. Maybe the reason you are having poor dating experiences is because you don’t want / need a relationship just yet. AND THAT’S FINE. There is no right or wrong in contemporary culture. Single is great, dating is great, serious, committed relationships are great. Maybe we need to let go a bit more and not anticipate that every person we meet ' get talking to could be 'the one.' This concept is pretty outdated too. There are lots of 'ones,' it's just knowing when you are ready and committed to a particular one. Let’s put the fun back into it all and stop making each other doubt ourselves. Until men and women start having real, honest open conversations with each other, this thing is going to keep happening. LOVE YOURSELVES FIRST xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx CHEESY BUT TRUE

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