Speed Date Disaster

I stood for a minute, hesitating against the hostess stand as a few dozen people milled around the bar, looking as clueless and anxious as I felt. The pungent aroma of fried food invaded my nostrils as I hesitated at the door of the restaurant. I put on makeup and heels for this?

I wondered how I had let myself even be talked into attending a speed dating event as I contemplated getting back into my car and pretending I’d forgotten all about it. I had absolutely no desire to be here at all. Talk about slim pickins, I thought as I surveyed the crowd.

Three years after a divorce, I had no interest in dating and being social. If I was social, then people would want to know what happened. I’d have to once again get into the sordid, embarrassing tale of how I found him in bed with two different women on two different occasions- including my therapist. Not even “our” therapist. Just mine.

I knew how these conversations would go. It was the same thing every time. Things like:

“Who would do something like that?” (Apparently a scumbag)

Or “Oh wow, that’s so terrible! (Yeah, ya think?)

And my personal favorite- “You’re better off without him!”

Really? I’m better off without a cheating husband?

Imagine that!

This is how it always went.

It was always immediately followed by a heartfelt hug, expressions of shock mixed with pity followed by well-meaning offers to set me up with an emotionally damaged “great guy” who came with a horribly ill-tempered ex-wife, bratty kids and enough drama to last five lifetimes. No thank you. I’d rather just keep to myself and maintain sole ownership over the remote.

I was just about to around to leave when a voice stopped me dead in my tracks. “And where do you think you’re running off to?”

I whirled around to find myself staring at my best friend Nina walking through the door and joining me at the hostess stand.

“Oh, hi!” I said, with a wide eyed, innocent smile. “What are you doing here? I was just about to head to the bar.”

Nina gave me her best “Don’t Give Me Any BS” smile. “Really?”

“What?” I asked, a little too defensively.

“Save it for someone who hasn’t known you forever. You were about to leave and that’s why I’m here.” She took me by the arm and guided me through the crowd to the bar.

“I was not!”

“Okay.” Nina said mockingly.

“Ugh, fine.” I relented. “You’re right, I was leaving. This is so not my scene.”

Nina shot me a look. “We haven’t even given it a chance yet!” She flagged down the bartender and ordered a glass of merlot for herself and a prosecco for me.

“Since when do you drink merlot?” I asked, making a face. I hated merlot.

She shrugged. “Sometimes you just need a change from what you’re used to. You could stand to change things up every now and then.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked.

“It means you could branch out and actually do something different for once.”

“I branch out.” I said.

“Oh you do not.” She said, placing a twenty on the bar.

“I absolutely do!” I exclaimed.

The bartender handed us our drinks and walked to the other end of the bar.

Nina took a delicate sip of her wine. “Yeah, right. I don’t mean that as an insult. I really don’t. But you are kind of set in your ways.”

I shrugged. “I like what I like. What’s wrong with that?”

She held out her glass to me. “Taste this.”

“I don’t want to.” I said.

She rolled her eyes at me I sipped my prosecco. “Look, I know that you think this is lame and a terrible idea. I know you’ve been struggling since the divorce. But you’re so isolated these days and its really unhealthy.” She held up her hand when I started to protest.

“Just hear me out. I’m not saying we have to meet someone today, fall in love and get married. But at least revisit what life was like when you were social and didn’t live in sweatpants.”

I stared at my glass. She was right. I hated it when she was right.

“Besides,” she said. “You’re getting… stodgy.”

“What are you talking about? I’m not stodgy.” I said indignantly.

“Oh, you so are.”

“I am not!”

“Okay.” She said with a knowing smile. “You definitely are though.” She paused. “Look, we just got here and its only an hour. Can we please stay?”

I rolled my eyes. “You know, I love how you say “We”, as if you have any intention of doing anything other than chaperoning me while sipping your stupid merlot and judging me.”

“I’ll have you know this is delicious. And I’m here for moral support, not judgment.”

Just then, a smartly dressed man came into the room. “Folks!” he said, trying to get everyone’s attention. The room quieted down.

“We’re about to start with our speed dating event! When you walk into the room, please find the seat with your name.”

“Oooh!” Nina said excitedly. “Here we go!”

“Ugh,” I said, dragging myself to my feet. “How do I let you talk me into these things?”

Nina beamed at me. “You got this!”

“I hate you.” I said as I joined the line of people waiting to file into the room.

As I walked into the room, I found the table with my name close to the front. And looked at the index card with 3 other names on there- my “dates” for the afternoon.

I froze in horror when I noticed that the first name was my ex-husband’s! It couldn’t be. Surely it had to be a mistake. Why would he even be at an event like this? What kind of cruel, twisted world did we live in that this was happening?

I started panicking as the moderator went over the rules. Each date would last 15 minutes and then afterwards there would be a reception in the bar if we wanted to stay. I looked around, palms sweating, praying that my first “mini-date” wasn’t actually the scumbag that I spent six years being married to.

Just then, my stomach dropped as Doug slid into the seat across from me.

“Hey honey.” Doug said, setting down a glass of scotch. “Fancy meeting you here.”

“Don’t honey me.” I said in disgust. “What are you even doing here? Did you run out of 18-year-olds and psychiatrists to sleep with?”

“I don’t see how that’s any of your concern.” He said evenly.

“I mean, it’s really not.” I sipped my Prosecco, willing myself not to throw it in his face. “But if I have to sit here with you for the next fifteen minutes, then at least maybe I could get some decent gossip.”

He smiled and held my gaze. “Maybe you should worry about yourself and not focus on what I’m doing here. What are you doing here?” He looked under the table at my pants. “Wow, this must be a big event. You’re not even wearing sweatpants!”

I rolled my eyes. “Nina set me up for this. And now she’s out by the bar making sure that I stay.”

“Well, that’s obvious.”

“And why is that?”

“Because something like this would require you to step out of your comfort zone for once.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

“You’re such a creature of habit.” He sipped his scotch and gestured to my drink as I started to protest.

“When’s the last time you went to a bar and ordered something other than prosecco? When’s the last time you did something other than wake up, go to the gym, go to work, go home and watch shows that you’ve seen five million times?” He leaned in. “When’s the last time you got laid?”

I glared at him, wondering how bad it would actually be if I went to jail for murder.

“You’re so….. rigid.” He continued condescendingly.

“I am NOT rigid!”

“Okay.”

We sat in silence for several minutes.

“I don’t get it.” I said. I like what I like. What’s wrong with having preferences?”

He shrugged. “That’s just who you are. Honestly though- when was the last time you did anything spontaneous?” He chuckled and shook his head. “I’ll bet you don’t even remember.”

“Okay Doug.” I said angrily, raising my voice. “Last I heard, you were still barhopping and trying to sleep with anything that moves like some overgrown frat boy trying to prove to himself that he’s still got it. So who’s really the creature of habit here?”

He grinned, eyes twinkling mischievously. “Oooh, did I hit a nerve? Are you pissed because you know I’m right?”

I shook my head, disgusted. “I’m pissed because there are far too many witnesses around for me to kill you right now.”

His smile grew even wider as he leaned ni close to me over the table and gestured towards the bathroom. “Wanna slip into a stall with me?” My stomach turned. “Come on. For old time’s sake.”

I sat there, horrified, wishing I could stab him in the eye with a fork.

He shrugged. “What? At least it would be spontaneous.”

I shuddered. “Ugh. You’re so disgusting. I’m so glad I divorced you.”

He laughed. “Right. Because you had no part in driving me to distraction? That’s what happens when you’re married to Grandma Moses.”

“Excuse me?”

“Face it. You’re an old woman trapped in a slightly younger woman’s body.”

I was thisclose to punching him in the face when I heard a timer go off.

“Okay everyone, time to switch partners!” The moderator announced.

Doug stood up and smiled. “Call me if you ever want to be spontaneous.”

I rolled my eyes and tried to compose myself as a handsome, man sat down across from me. “Hi.” He said. We shook hands. “I’m Drew.”

“I’m Lauren.”

Drew seemed very personable and friendly. He was also divorced, no kids and was a self-described hopeless romantic. He’d been burned in his last several relationships and was a little gun shy about dating but figured now was as good a time as any to bite the bullet and get out there.

I was really starting to loosen up, despite myself. Maybe it was the prosecco, but I was really surprised at how much I was enjoying my conversation with Drew… until it all went so very wrong.

“So what do you do for a living?” I asked.

“Well, during the day, I’m an accountant. But my real passion is poetry.”

Oh god. Poetry? Really? What was he, an emo teenage girl?

“Oh, that’s cool.” I said, quickly losing interest.

“I love it. I feel like it’s such a dying art form. No one appreciates it anymore.” He paused. “Can I read you one of them?”

“One of your poems?” I asked.

“Yes!” He grabbed my hand across the table. “Lauren,” he said in a husky voice. “I really feel like we’re connecting. I want to read you a piece that sums up the way I feel about relationships. I need someone to come along and make me believe in love again!”

I felt like this was starting to get weird, but I didn’t want to be rude. The clock on the wall showed that we only had 5 minutes left in the “date” anyway. I took a deep breath and a huge gulp of my drink. When I put my glass down he was giving me a weird, hopeful smile.

“Sure …” I said uncomfortably.

“Great!” he said excitedly, rising from his seat.

“What are you doing?” I whispered.

“Oh, sweet pain, my friend through it all…” he began loudly.

Oh god. What the hell was happening? First Doug, now this? Seriously?

I wanted to die as he continued:

“You’ve always been there to catch me,

Whenever I fall.

And I have fallen,

From love’s sweet wings.

My heart is crying,

Even as it sings…”

He sat down and smiled. “What did you think?”

Thankfully, I heard the moderator announce, “Okay everyone, time to switch!”

To my surprise, Drew ignored him and sat back down. “So, what are you doing tomorrow night? I run a slam poetry open mic on Thursdays at Common Ground. You know, the coffeehouse over on Riverside?”

“Um, we’re supposed to trade partners…” I said.

A tall man with a briefcase approached our table. “You heard the lady, bud. Get up. You’re interrupting our date.”

Drew stood up. “And who are you?”

“None of your business. Now move. We only have 14 minutes left, and you’re ruining it.” The guy slid into Drew’s seat and smiled at me. “Nice to meet you, I’m Aaron.”

I smiled back. “I’m Lauren.”

“Oh, so it’s like that?” Drew asked, glaring at me. I avoided his gaze.

“Well, Lauren, I guess you can forget about slam poetry!” he said angrily, turning and storming off.

Aaron and I looked at each other and laughed.

“Bad mini-date?” He asked, smiling.

“You have no idea. What a freak.”

Aaron reached for his briefcase. “Well, I hope I can make these next 13 minutes worth your time!”

“I hope so! My first mini date was my ex-husband, believe it or not. Then I had that guy, so I’m really hoping you’re normal.”

“Oh, I definitely am. I’m just a nice guy looking to settle down with a nice girl.”

He brandished two wine glasses and a bottle of merlot from the briefcase and set them on the table.

“Would you like some merlot?”

I made a face as he poured himself a glass. “No thanks, I’m not really a big merlot person.” I gestured to my prosecco. “Besides, I don’t want to mix.”

“Oh, come on, you have to at least try it.” He insisted, pouring me a glass.

“I’m okay.” I insisted.

A look of annoyance crossed his face “Fine, have it your way.”

We sat there for a moment, awkward and silent.

“So, Lauren, does depression run in your family? Heart problems? Diabetes?”

“That’s a hell of an icebreaker.” I said, laughing uncomfortably.

“I know, but If we’re going to have kids, then I need to know these things,” he said, downing the rest of his merlot and reaching for the glass he had poured for me. “How’s your menstrual cycle? Everything regular down there?”

I sat there, not sure I heard him correctly. What the hell was even happening?

“I’ll be honest.” I said. “I don’t think I want to have kids.”

“What?” he asked quietly.

“Yeah, I don’t know. I don’t really see myself as a mom. I’m not very maternal.”

“I can’t believe this.” Aaron said. “You waited until now to spring this on me?”

“Until now? We met five minutes ago.”

Aaron’s face grew red, though whether it was from the merlot or anger, I couldn’t tell. I stared at the clock, silently willing it to move forward so I could get the hell out of there and go throttle Nina for making me do this in the first place.

Aaron sat back and shook his head. “Well then, I guess there’s no point in meeting my mother, is there?”

“Your mother?” I asked.

As if out of nowhere, an elderly lady approached the table.

“Oh my god.” I muttered, in disbelief. What universe was I in that this was happening?

“Nice to meet-“ she started.

“Forget it mother. She’s not the one.” Aaron interrupted bitterly.

Aaron’s mother looked at him and began to speak as if I wasn’t sitting right there. “It’s okay, dear. I knew she wasn’t the one.”

“Excuse me?” I asked.

“Probably has a family history of halitosis… or something equally undesirable.” She gave me a critical glance.

I stood up angrily. “You have no idea what you’re even talking about.” I paused and gave her a critical glance. “At least aging poorly doesn’t run in my family.”

Aaron stood up. “How DARE you! Apologize to her right now!”

“People like you are what’s wrong with this world.” I turned on my heel and went to leave. I’d had enough.

I found Nina sitting at the bar, clearly a little tipsy. I estimated she was roughly 3 glasses in.

“Hey, you made it!” she said, smiling and raising her glass when she saw me.

“Barely.” I said, sitting down.

“Oh, come on. Was it really that bad?”

I glared at her. “Oh, it was great. My first date was Doug. My second date was an insane poet. And last, but not least, my third date had his mother with him. This sucked. I’m never doing one of these again.”

Nina sat there in disbelief. “Doug? Seriously? As in gross ex-husband?”

“That’s the one.” I said. “He’s just as classy as ever, too. He tried to get me into a bathroom stall with him.”

She shuddered. “Ugh, he’s such a waste of oxygen. I’m so sorry, I thought this would be a good thing for you. And you know how much I despise Doug, but he does have a point. You are a bit set in your ways. I know you’re mad, and I’m sorry you had a bad afternoon, but I’m proud of you.” She leaned in and gave me a drunken hug. “I love you and I won’t set you up for anything like this ever again. I promise.”

I sat there, silent, taking in everything that had happened that afternoon. Was I really such a creature of habit? Was I stagnating?

The bartender made his way down to us and set a coaster in front of me. “What can I get for you?”

“I’ll have a merlot.” I said cautiously.

Nina smiled at me. I glanced over at her as the bartender grabbed my wine.

I looked back at Nina and shrugged. “What the hell.” I said as I reached for the glass.