Should You Find a Friend with Benefits?
Read this before you go any further...
Not every single person out there is looking for a committed relationship. Maybe he/she just went through a brutal divorce or breakup. Maybe their heart is so broken that they need to give themselves time to heal. While the reasons may vary, our basic human needs remain the same. We all crave human interactions, touch and pleasure. Studies have shown that babies grow faster and are healthier when they are cuddled.
Enter the Friends with Benefits situation. But before you jump in with both feet and go find yourself a FWB, sit with yourself and ask these yourself questions: Am I just lonely? Am I not loving myself enough? Should I take up a hobby or just find more supportive friends? Should I get better at self pleasure? (Seriously tho) Do I really need this to feel validated or can I give validation to myself? Once you’ve done the self inquiry and have decided to go for it, then follow these guidelines:
1. The Foundation is Brutal Honesty
The FWB situations that work out the best (for a while at least) are the ones where both parties are upfront and honest about what “this” is and where it is going (or rather-where it’s not going!) Before you get intimate, have a brutally honest conversation where you are both very clear about what it is you want. Make sure to include any rules or boundaries you would want to have should the other person be down for this situatuon. One thing to keep in mind though is that if you truly value this friendship, you might want to consider keeping it out of the bedroom. Sometimes it's difficult to actually remain friends once this situation ends (because it most definetly will).
2. Keep the Lines of Communication Open
Besides the brutal honesty in the beginning, you need to keep the lines of communication wide open. Either party should feel like they can express themselves at anytime. While it may not be an actual relationship, it is a type of relationship (and by now you must know relationships come in many forms).
Should something begin to bother you, speak up! If you keep things inside you begin to build resentment, which is like a ticking time bomb.
3. Make Rules/Set Boundaries
While I've already mentioned this, it's worth repeating. Come up with a plan that works for both of you. While this will look different for every FWB “couple”, it’s essential that both parties needs are met to a certain degree, and neither one feels taken advantage of. You wouldn’t lie or disrespect a friend with no extra benefits, would you? Then don’t do it to your FWB.
4. Realize it’s Very Temporary
Sorry to break it to you, but I haven’t seen that many FWB situationships last all that long. Because one could catch feelings and the whole dynamic gets thrown off. Which leads me to the next one…
5. Don’t Catch Feelings!
Ugh, this one is very difficult to navigate. It's very possible that one person will start to get attached. Telling someone to not fall in love with their lover sounds outright ridiculous. But remember that you laid it all out at the beginning and hey-you can’t change your mind now! Um, yea-this is easier said than done. Unless you are completely cold and heartless this is one thing that just might not be possible for some. Which leads me to my next point of course…
6. Maybe it’s Not For You
They say “you never know unless you try” and I can confirm that this is totally true. I did try it once years ago, and quickly realized it wasn’t for me.
Now I prefer to spend my time dating men that actually have potential for a relationship and I’m quick to end it if I can see that it’s not going anywhere or if something feels off. I’m not afraid of being single, I actually really enjoy it most of the time. It sure as hell beats being stuck in a relationship or FWB or whatever that makes you feel unsafe, disrespected, and unloved.
Love and respect yourself enought to wait for the right person. Learn to get control of your urges. Try transmuting your sexual energy into something creative! You'll be much happier if you do, and you'll leave yourself free and open for the right person that will eventually come along.
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