Shattered nights sleep.

Everyone wants that dream life. The dream husband, house, dogs, white picket fence in a safe town. Until, my life went to shambles while maintaining the “perfect military wife vibe” made that white picket fence didn’t mean anything, anymore. You never know you’re in the situation you’re in until you leave it. Even, if it’s just for a week. I’ve always been a pleaser. One who wants to make everyone happy. I was my abuser’s dream because he could gaslight me however he wanted too. I was his property. One hit, boom. Second hit, “I’m so sorry I love you so much, until he’s strangling me outside the house.” Third time. Fourth time. Fifth time. It still wasn’t enough. It took a year of me being isolated with this monster to realize how truly afraid of him I was.

I went back to my real home around Christmas time. He came up for Christmas and made me sick to my stomach. When he left that crisp, cool morning, I felt my heart beat slow for the first time since I met him. It would be the last time I ever saw my ex husband again. For the weeks after Christmas, I was terrified to go back and I couldn’t bring myself to admit why. I knew why. “Duh who would want to go back to that”.

The first step was telling my parents I wasn’t okay and why. The second was to tell my ex as nicely as possible so that he wouldn’t hurt my animals who were still at the house. He eventually found out and tried to get me back to him. But, the most powerful thing I ever did was say “NO, I DON’T WANT TO BE YOUR WIFE”.

He’s a narcissist, played the gaslighting suicide card. Absolutely traumatized me but mainly just made him look stupid. I have no contact with him and I’m not gonna go through the whole 6 months of our separation. But, almost every night starts out in a nightmare because a lot of the time the bedroom was where the terror would happen. 6 months later, I’ve found a new job, fallen in love but had to give up so much because of him. Yet, I choose forgiveness to make myself not like him. But, that doesn’t take away the screaming every night when I’m trying to sleep. It doesn’t take away me being raped, beaten, talked down to, financially abused. It doesn’t make up for any of that. I will one day stop having nightmares. As of now, you have lost 99% power over me. You still have 1% of me and that’s my brain when I’m sleeping and when I have PTSD attacks. And, I will get that back from you.

1 in for women. 1 in seven men. That’s how many have been in a violent relationship/marriage. That needs to stop. I pray for the girl I was 2 years ago who is still out there wishing she could get out. Because for me, it’s just a shattered nights sleep. It’s no longer my reality.

If you are in a domestic violence relationship please call 1-800- 799-7233 or visit the hotline.org. Please also comment on this and I will reach out. One more is too much ❤️💔