Sex

Many of us were raised with the belief that we have an obligation to constantly experience spontaneous and intense desire for our partners. We are often given advice on how to keep the spark alive in our relationships. However, I want to challenge this notion. The concept of spontaneous desire, where sexual thoughts and attraction occur out of the blue, is just one way to experience sexual desire. There is also responsive desire, which emerges in response to pleasure.

Understanding the difference between these two types of desire can help resolve many people's sexual desire issues. Instead of trying to figure out where the pleasure is, the focus should be on finding a pathway to pleasure.

The history of sex therapy can be divided into three major phases. The first phase was influenced by the work of Masters and Johnson, who developed the Four-Phase Model of Sexual Response, which served as the foundation for sex therapy.

However, when one examines these phases - arousal, plateau, orgasm, refractory period - it becomes evident that something is missing. That missing element is desire. In the 1970s, Helen Singer Kaplan recognized this absence in the prevailing model used to address sexuality. As a result, she introduced the Desire, Arousal, Orgasm Model, also known as the Triphasic Model. This addition of desire was revolutionary as it allowed for interventions that specifically target when and to what extent individuals experience sexual desire.

Furthermore, Eric Janssen and John Bancroft, researchers at the Kinsey Institute, proposed a rather unconventional idea that sexual functioning operates in the brain much like other cognitive processes. They developed the Dual Control Model, which consists of two primary components: the sexual excitation system (accelerator) and the sexual inhibitory system (brakes). This model emphasizes that sex is primarily a brain process rather than solely a genital process. While the genitals can certainly contribute to the enjoyment of sexual experiences, the brain is absolutely essential. In fact, it is impossible to engage in sexual activity without the involvement of the brain.

The sexual excitation system, colloquially referred to as the accelerator or gas pedal, is responsible for detecting and processing all sexual stimuli present in the environment. This includes visual, auditory, olfactory, tactile, and gustatory cues, as well as the sensations experienced within one's own body. Additionally, it encompasses one's thoughts, beliefs, and imagination related to sex.

What are some common factors that activate individuals' accelerators? The visual presence of their partner, the scent of their partner, engaging in reading a provocative book or watching an arousing scene. These stimuli serve as the 'turn on signal' that many of us are familiar with. This signal operates unconsciously at a subconscious level constantly. In this discussion, we are specifically referring to sexual arousal, hence the mention of sex-related stimuli. However, it is fortunate that simultaneously, our inhibitory impulses, also known as brakes, are actively recognizing all the valid reasons not to be aroused at that moment. Interestingly, when individuals encounter difficulties with any aspect of their sexual response - pleasure, desire, arousal, or orgasm - it is typically not due to insufficient stimulation to the accelerator, but rather an excess of stimulation to the brakes. Moreover, many of these inhibitory factors are unrelated to the sexual act itself, but rather stem from stress, body image concerns, past traumas, and relationship issues. Therefore, the process of becoming sexually aroused involves a dual mechanism of activating the ons (accelerators) and deactivating the offs (brakes).

The Dual Control Model may give the impression of a simple directive like "touch me here, don't touch me that way." However, pleasure does not operate in such a straightforward manner. Whether we perceive a sensation in our bodies as pleasurable or not depends on the context in which we experience it. This context encompasses both the external circumstances and our internal state.

External circumstances play a significant role in shaping our experiences. For instance, when the bedroom door is locked and we know we won't be interrupted, it sets the stage for intimacy and privacy. Additionally, wearing sexy underwear can enhance our confidence and make us feel desirable. These external factors create a conducive environment for intimacy.

However, our internal state also plays a crucial role in how we perceive and respond to stimuli. Whether we are stressed, depressed, anxious, lonely, or harboring repressed anger, these emotions can greatly influence our reactions. Certain types of stimulation may feel incredible in one context but provoke aggression in another.

Take tickling as an example. If we are already in a fun, flirty, playful, aroused, trusting, and loving state of mind, being tickled by our partner can be enjoyable and may even lead to further intimacy. However, if we are in the midst of a heated argument and our partner attempts to tickle us, it will likely be irritating and aggravating.

Therefore, it is essential to consider both external circumstances and our internal state when evaluating our responses to different stimuli. Being aware of these factors can help us navigate our interactions and ensure that they are positive and mutually satisfying.

What? It's the identical feeling.

It's the identical specific special someone, but the emotional circumstances, which means the actual stimulation in your brain, is dissimilar. Therefore, your brain perceives the feeling as completely opposite. Couples who maintain a strong sexual bond over the long term are not couples who constantly cannot wait to engage in passionate kissing they are the couples who know how to collaboratively create an environment that allows both of their brains to experience pleasure.