Round and Round We Go

Waking up. You feel so hot, You feel the sweat in your hair. You roll out of bed; ignoring the the bile rising in your throat. You walk groggily to the shower switch and push it on. You hear the click and see the bright orange light appear. You pull open the bathroom door. You walk in turn the dial on the shower to the hottest. You strip down to your bare skin not looking at your body. The cold air hits you. Your nipples erect, you shiver and run into the shower.

You can’t feel how hot the water is against your skin but you can see your skin reddens. You can’t turn the temperature down otherwise you get too cold. You know it’s probably burning your scalp but what’s better a cold shower or a warm one?

You wash over your body with shower gel that smells so sweet you feel your pours open as it touches your skin. As you rub it in your chest and stomach. You see them. Those ugly brown blotches. Three different ones in size. Changing colour with the heat of the shower. You look further down and there it is. The pregnancy line as people call it! You aren’t pregnant though, if you are then the baby has been there for ten years.

You get out of the shower start to dry yourself. You get to the part that you hate to do the most, you hesitate but you know it has to be done. The towel touches your face; you brush over it! Next minute you know you're seeing the inside of the toilet, heaving until liquid pours out of your mouth. You give yourself the pep talk

"Come on. Don't let this take over, you need to get to work."

You dress yourself slowly so you don’t set yourself off again. Once finished, You walk down the stairs into the kitchen. Make your food for work, pasta with tomato and chilli sauce with vegan Sainsbury’s cheese! You place it in your bag, put your coat on, zip it up, grab your keys, turn all the light off downstairs and walk down the many steps from your apartment. You get to the bottom your head spins. You stand there for a while as your head steadies.

When you get to work; The bright lights above your desk causes your head and eyes to ache. You squint for a while as everything adjusts. You put your glasses on, you still can't see. Everything on the screen in front of you is blurry or have a shadow underneath.

You are okay for a while. Dinner time arrives. You eat the food you prepared at home, watch some Netflix on the works Xbox. When finished you walk down the steps to your desk, the room temperatures hit you. The moment you sit at your desk you're nearly passing out/falling a sleep. You snack to keep yourself awake. (Even though there's been many comments on how much you eat). You get water. You try anything to stop yourself from closing your eyes. You jolt yourself awake a few times knowing you need to get through this. Get through the day. The only option is to grab a coffee, it’s 50/50 on whether it will work.

You put your hair up as you feel your temperature rising. This then makes your head do little shakes. Not enough for people to notice but enough for you to feel it.

The days over at work. You go home. You are with your family including your four-year-old step child. Who may have ADHD/autism. They are loud not meaning to. With each loud noise your heart races. It's a feeling of panic but it’s not how you truly feel. You try and stay down stairs push past the feelings it makes you start to shake. Raising your own voice makes it worse.

This then makes you also very sleepy. You can’t keep your eyes open.

You get to bed. It's silent but then you hear a dumdumdum dumdumdum whooshing in your left ear to the beat of your heart. So loud. You can't sleep. You lie on it hoping it’d quieten the noise. The noises around you wakes you up. Your heart starts racing again. Eventually you are there awake for hours trying to sleep. The top of your legs start to go numb. You move onto your back this brings your legs back to life for a little while. When you do get to sleep; it's only for a couple of hours because you are woken by your alarm; to start it all over again.