Role-play

We played to be different people, without ever touching—-we kissed, without ever holding one another, we fell into a deep shared breath, collapsing and carrying our weight into the ongoing part we each needed the other to be, and completed our first dream date through living someone else’s life.

She knew me, but not really.

We never really met.

But we shared an unspoken relationship that was shared between the people we were talking through.

Our collaboration was very in synch, and we seemed to know instinctively what the right thing to say and do was, and our conversation flowed like the endless amount of Merlot I had in my glass. I was thinking something about dangerous suddenly.

What if we were standing at the precise point of no return? Having nothing real, yet feeling it to be real anyway? A dream that felt more physical than a real life relationship and a real life date? The feeling of being so far away from humanity, yet so close to how intense and emotional and painful it all feels to be close to someone or something —-the tightening in your stomach, the sudden lurch and ping you feel afterwards—-the flutter of your heart as your crush blushes, turning away——your first breathless kiss——it all feels real, but it’s just words on a screen.

But she and I knew it.

We were both engaged in something real.

From the chat I saw our conversation as I read it out.

RP romance (possible asexual expression) Fry and Bender (Futurama convo)

Marie- Okay, Melissa, do you think that if we did something like they did in the show... like the reverse fossilization thing, you know... [winkwink]

Me- yes! Lol. I think that’ll work. And itll be like... becoming a human will make him feel things overtly... like he’ll be too sensitive to smells, tastes, touches... and needs his best friend to help guide him through the sensory process of being a human. Good?

Marie: but should there be a way for them to connect in the beginning before he turns human. I think that if they have a conversation about how Fry feels heartbroken about Leela rejecting him again, that’ll be a good way to start up... well, Bender could definitely come up to Frys defense about that. Like make him feel better and that he is worthy of love.

Me- Like how you do with me all the time? [Hug]

Marie- [blushes intensely] Yes

Me- I wish I could kiss you

Marie- Why don’t we now?

Me- Hey, meatbag, why so down in the dumps? -comes in living room with a swagger, smoking a cigar-

Marie- Oh, nothin’ [looks down at feet]

Me- You can’t fool me! Did All my Circuits get cancelled? Is that it?! [dramatically pauses and gasps] or is there no ..more... beer?!

Marie- No way! I’d die if that happened. That’s almost as bad as having to hide how much I love Star Trek in the year 3000.

Me- come on! Just spill it already. Unless it’s one of your disgusting human fluids... you can do that alone.

Marie- Well... Leela rejected me again. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m just... I’m always second banana to the other guys in her eyes.

Me- Or maybe you’re not a banana. You’re like a kiwi. You’re... different and she can’t appreciate that. Huh, ya weirdo? [walks over and pats your back, though it’s too hard and you almost fall off the couch]

Marie- [coughs from the force, getting up] Let’s face it, Bender, I’ll never get her to Wanna be with me. It’s like... I’m... always going to be a loser to her.

Me- What did she say, specifically?

Marie- Same old stuff. That I’m just a friend to her. That I’m kind of... I’m not her type.

Me- Welp, I think she’s wrong. You got that...jen ou sais quoi, I don’t know. Something about you is... different. Like not terrible, but something very... [shrugs] wanna drink a beer with me?

Marie- Sure. It’s not like we have anything better to do-

Me- [Professor walks in] Good news, everyone! We got a delivery to a can crushing factory that recycles aluminum! Very safe! We have crates of machinery for their order! Load it up!

Marie- Oh crap. Bender, that doesn’t sound very safe... [Professor leaves the room to tell everyone else presumably] maybe it is the thought of crushing metal. Doesn’t it sound like a terrible... ugh, never mind.

Me- as a being made entirely of metals, I wouldn’t see how that would effect me at all! Let’s go, meat bag! This’ll cheer us both up, wait and see!

Marie- Segue into next scene, wherein Bender gets partially crushed by machine at factory.

Me- Everyone is horrified, and Fry is crying.

Marie- Professor, please save him! Isn’t there a way? [carries broken Bender in professors office with help of Leela and Zoidberg]

Me- Sure, let’s all ask the old, crazy man to save.., [coughs and sputters out dark oil] okay, please save me! I’m dyin’!

Marie- ...

At this point, I get some Merlot to drink, watching her type out the next response.

I feel like I’ve known her for a long time, and smile at our conversation so far. Good date, so far, too.

But the main problem was really something worse than just the social oddity of this being a first date—-it was how really we only got to know each other through role play, and how it became almost our entire relationship.

I was hoping it would lead to something else.

Marie- I can’t believe this! How’d you... is Bender going to be okay, Professor?! [sniffles a bit]

Me- oh be quiet, you sniveling fool! Bender wouldn’t stop crying either. Now... he can cry about something real! [professor winks at fry]

Marie- Hu..huh? What does that mean?

Me- it means... he’s human now. With reverse fossilization, and with genetic engineering and science being more advanced than ever, I managed to understand the complicated mechanisms of Bender was already modified in a way to emulate and almost genuinely understand human connections and emotions... so...

Marie- My best friend is back!

Me- ~everyone groans, moving on, and Leela gently hugs Fry before leaving to work on the ship~

Marie- Hey, where’s everyone going? You don’t wanna see Bender?

Me- [prof. grabs Fry by forearm, dragging him below to the downstairs lab]

Marie- [quietly looks at human Bender in shock and sadness] he looks like he’s asleep. When will be wake up?

Me- (Professor sighs) Well, if I did it right, which I’m sure I did... my calculations are... approximately... uh, one day to three years.

Marie-WHAT?!

Me- Don’t get all fussy with me. This was the most controversial and complicated experiment since Frankenstein’s monster! We all know how that went!

Marie- He got chased by the townspeople with pitchforks and fire, right?

Me- No, you fool, he went to business school, becoming a two-bit accountant who didn’t accomplish anything! {Professor walks off muttering incoherent babbles}

We clarify a few things on the side about where the plot takes place within the show. I ask her for her number.

She says sure, but then starts immediately going back to our role play. I frown, and drink right out of the bottle. The flavors of the Merlot feel muted now, and I swallow harshly.

Marie- {walks over to Bender, looking him over. He’s got this light almond brown colored skin, dark hair, and a gruff and masculine look. Fry realizes that Bender, being born in Mexico, is actually Mexican and this really does look like how he imagined his best friend. The look of his closest friend felt natural, and he was hoping that Bender would wake up soon} Bender, man, you scared me. Please wake up. Shit, this is almost worse than when Leela was in that coma. -cries a little- (waits by his side for hours)

Me- [slowly, things that were hazy and dark become brighter} Shit, what the hell... (starts to open eyes and everything hurts, and feels weird, like the sensations are being jammed into his circuits...Suddenly, he feels a strong force of being held tight.) let go of me!

Marie- Bender! Oh, damn, you’re okay, buddy! -hugs even tighter-

Me- What the ever loving fuck is this?! Why do I feel all squishy and gooey? -gets up and sees Fry but everything looks different. Fry looks at him with wide eyes-

Marie- You just... there was a terrible accident. You got hurt. Professor saved you. But your body was way too damaged. He managed to do something... to turn you human. I don’t know how.. -looks closely at Bender’s face.- You have nice brown eyes, wow!

Me- ummm.... okay? So... I’m a human man now?

Marie- Yes, Bender. Is that... are you okay? -blushing now as Bender gets extremely close to his face-

Me- -gently touches Fry’s face and shudders- What... the hell. This is so weird. Everything feels so weird. Why?

We take a break and I go get a bite to eat. I feel strangely full yet empty all at the same time. I look at the clock. It is only 11 o’clock at night.

We go through a couple of weeks of what happens next between us, and how we start developing feelings for one another very slowly... and then get to the more important development of our relationship... I mean their relationship.

Me- Hey, Fry, I’m gonna cook tonight. Wanna eat something with me? We can drink... stuff.

Marie- Beer? (Feels increasingly tired of hiding his feelings, sighing)

Me- Nah, I was thinking wine. Red wine.

Marie- What about... well, tonight I’m definitely free. I was free last night, too. I tried to call you.

Me- yeah, I went to this stupid bar last night. Sometimes going to a bar, like... It makes you almost feel more alone. Like.. being around all those people.. makes you realize how lonely you really are. And then it seems superfluous and vain to be with a woman just for one night. And... a lot of women kept wanting to buy me a drink.

Marie- I never had that happen. I mean.. not the feeling lonely part. I understand that. Just not... the women wanting to be with me part.

Me- I’m gonna need you to stop putting yourself down so much. It’s not cool. Like... I want you to feel better about that. You do a lot for people and if they can’t... they refuse to see your goodness... it’s not as great as I am.. oh God, not but a long shot, but you are good, too, Fry. They are all blind.

Marie- Thanks. -smiles sadly and gives Bender a hug-

Me- -hugs back-

Time for dinner! I smiled, going to the restroom for a minute.

I look in the mirror, and check my teeth.

Then I laugh at my shenanigans. Why did I just check my teeth? It’s not like she’ll see me, face to face. But, still, this dinner will be like a date. I can tell.

I look through my phone, and see a number for a girl I met at Barnes and Noble. She was reading the newest novel by James Patterson. I was too.

We had a long conversation about books and music and she gave me her number. I liked her a lot, but never called her. I had this date, anyway, I reasoned.

I played with my hair and went back to the computer and started to type. I felt my breath and my throat tense up, and I yawned. It was getting late.

Me- So... what do you think?

Marie- You outdid yourself, Bender. Spaghetti and salad? Very good. Chicken cacciatore And tiramisu? Why so many courses? And wine?

Me- uh... shut up. That’s why! -looks away and blushes, feeling his ears go hot, and face go warm.-

Marie- -laughs- thanks for this. It’s so nice.

Me- don’t mention it. Really.

Marie- You really are a good cook! -tries the courses- really good!

Me- you got something on your face... -gets up a bit, leaning over the table with a napkin but it falls. Wipes your cheek with my finger-

Marie- -gently takes hold of your finger and puts it near my mouth-

Me- Uh... um, wh-what are you doing? -breathy voice and sighs nervously-

Marie- don’t... want this delicious sauce to go to waste. -takes finger in my mouth, slowly taking it out- Right?

Me- is... is this normal, Fry? Should we be doing this?

Marie- who cares about normal, though Bender? Do you feel as free with anyone else? Because it’s like with you... this is the way I feel right now. I’m not trapped anymore. I can’t hide it anymore either. You... almost losing you made me realize how much you mean to me. I mean... I always knew how much you meant to me. But... now, these last few weeks.... have been so amazing. Like learning how be human again. Teaching you and spending so much time together. It’s been beyond amazing. I... I love you.

I stopped typing and looked at the screen. I love you?

I felt my heart gushing with euphoria.

Me- [slowly sits down, feeling light headed and nervous. All of the memories between you and me are tightly wrapped in my mind, and sink into my heart beat.] Fry... you love me?

Marie- I think my feelings for you were always there. Just hiding out in my brain, waiting to come out. I realize how I put Leela on a pedestal... and how I left you out of my line of sight because... whenever I really thought of you, my whole body would feel like it was on overdrive. Like how it feels to be human after being a robot my whole life, and I appreciate that it’s overwhelming for you and at times, painful. And... yes, I love you. It just scared me to admit it.

Me- is this gay? (Laughs nervously) like, no joke, is this gay... being happy like this together? Cause.... I liked... (swallows hotly) how you put my finger in your mouth. And... I don’t understand if it’s because my physical sensation is still overloaded, or because... (we both stare at each other, and I can’t hold it in any more) fuck it, Phillip, I love you, too.

Marie- (in awe) you called me Phillip.

Me- duh. That’s your first name, idiot. What about the fact that I said I love you. Too?!

Marie- (gets up and takes your hand, leading you into your bedroom. We both say nothing, and get on the bed—-laying down side by side.)

Me- (I put my hand gently on your face, gently caressing it)

Marie- (sighs softly, and takes your other hand in mine, gently running my thumb against your palm.)

Me- We can do this all night, right? Just lay here. And I’ll look at you. You’ll look at me. We can do this, and barely move... and stay together here all night. Right, Fry?

Marie- that’s right. We don’t have to do or say anything. (Blows on your face, making a slight whistling sound)

Me- (moans softly) And you can hold me. (Bites my lower lip) and I’ll hold you.

Marie- I’m so fucking happy right now.

Me- You would be. I’m here with you, and I’m great. I’m Bender.

Marie- Shut up, baby, I know it! (Whispers cheekily)

We sign off. It’s 3am.

No first kiss. I’m not tired.

I’m exhausted but I’m wide awake.

I didn’t get her number.

I feel my eyes open wider as the tears start to fall down my face with no effort. She is just playing out a game with me.

It was made to be something real in my mind—thinking everything she wrote was about us, about me, but really, it wasn’t about anyone.

I decide to turn off my computer for a long time, and the next day I call that girl from the Barnes and Noble who liked James Patterson as much as I did.

We set up a first date.

It’s at a new restaurant that has a wine bar.

We share Merlot together, and she tells me what her favorite show of all time is.

It’s Futurama.