Relationships

“Relationships” is a term that covers a broad area. We do in effect, have a relationship with everyone we come into contact with, and that contact does not necessarily have to be personal contact. I suppose that we could even extend the term “relationships” to how we get along with our pets.

Many of us have relatives, friends, neighbours, work colleagues; and even friends on social media sites, for example, that we may not have met in person. Generalising, most people get along alright with most others with whom they interact. There can of course be difficulties in any one of the relationships we have, but I would like to look specifically at couples.

There is a definition of remarriage, which I heard once. I think it was a quote from the writer, Samuel Johnson. “Remarriage is the triumph of hope over experience,” he said.

Some can make it work, but there is more than an element of truth in what Johnson had to say. Those who get married more than twice must be total masochists.

I have friends who have been with their partners, the same partners, since their teenage years. Now in their seventies, they still get along really well together. My sincere congratulations go out to those people, and to any others out there who have also made it. I not sure if it's because of senior’s disease, memory lapse, or if it a case of selective lying, or if it is the downright honest truth, but I have heard of people, I am sure you have also, who have claimed that they have never had a fight with their partner. How any two people could live together for over half a century and never have had a fight, I fail to understand.

The statistics for long term successful relationships for partners are not improving. In our parents', grandparents', and earlier generations, there were many more social and other pressures for couples to stay together. It is now much easier for those in a relationship to go their separate ways, if that is what they would like to do.

For much of my working career I worked in the education sector, and for part of that as an allied health professional. Among the programs I conducted were support programs for those who had suffered from cancer and cardiovascular disease. Both of those diseases are considered normally to be multi-factorial, that is, there is usually not just one single cause. Genetic factors can play a part, We are not able to choose who our parents are, and if one or both sides of our family have had a history of either group of diseases, then unfortunately our risk is also higher. There are also risk factors that we do have control over. These include: not smoking, not drinking excessive quantities of alcohol, having a regular and suitable exercise program, and eating a healthful diet.

I consider that relationship breakdowns can be looked at as a multi-factorial disease, just like cancer and heart disease.

One person in the relationship may have been more to blame for the breakdown, but generally both have contributed to it. Many other factors may be, and usually are, involved as well. These factors include: we tend to be more independent now than in the past, our number of friends can be far greater now, social media and dating sites are much more prevalent, there is not the same pressure from family and society in general for couples to stay together, the influence of religion is not as great. But probably the most important reason of all is that people are not as prepared to make it work as they were in earlier generations.

As I alluded to earlier, I have the greatest respect for the many couples who have longterm loving relationships. You are all to be congratulated.

Personally, my wife and I went our separate ways when our children were quite young. They are now mature-aged adults. Since that time I have been involved in intimate relationships with other ladies, some were de facto where we lived together, others were shorter term. Although they have all long since ended, looking back, there were some fun times in all of them, and some of those ladies remain my friends.

We all get more set in our ways as we age, and probably, the older we get, the more difficult it will be for us to be in a stable, steady relationship. Starting a new relationship, for most of us, is easy, if that is what we want, but keeping a loving relationship for a longer time is much more difficult. I see some similarities in maintaining a relationship with giving up smoking. As Mark Twain once said, “Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know, because I have done it thousands of times.”

So, for smokers it is not about stopping smoking, it is about staying stopped. For couples, it is not about having a relationship, but keeping it.