Quitting My Job to Change All That I Know

Last summer I got a job working summer camp with the YMCA with the help of my best friends recommendation. It was a 10 hour shift from 8am-6pm with a pay of 17hr for 5 days a week. It was great! Long days but for my first job it wasn’t a bad start. Having social anxiety, adjusting to the new environment took me a bit but I’d say after a week or two I was fine but that was just a smidgen of comfort compared to what I had to adjust to and quickly. Working with kids for a full day made things really fast paced especially with the younger kids and I had first graders so it took a lot out of me. We had a whole curriculum to follow, the number of kids we had everyday varied and working with 6-7yrs olds is not an easy feat. As the weeks went by it was hard to say wether I liked kids or if I was purely in it for the money, everyday was just so exhausting. Granted, I was grateful I had the job after looking for work for so long and this was my intended field of stiudy but I started to forget why. The stress was becoming so much that I didn’t know what the best course for action for me anymore. Don’t get me wrong not every day was a stressful one. Kids will be kids. Some days they’re annoying and some days they make me laugh; their was never a dull moment.

When you work with kids you’re not really supposed to have “favorites” but I had a couple among my kids who made my days a little easier. Their names were Sarah, Vincent, Wenjin, Mason and Yanely. All of them were sweethearts but each had their own quirky personalities that I adored. Sarah was really playful and clingy. Vincent was always lost in his own little world and never heard a word I said. Wenjin was hyper active happy-go-lucky little boy. Mason was a flirt and everyone’s little protector from bullies and Yanely was small and cute with a sweet voice (that she faked) and would often would use that to her advantage. In fact Yanely reminded me of myself when I was her age too and yet, knowing that, she still got her way with me.

Kids reminded me not to fret the small things ironically enough, since that’s often what they cry over. They also reminded me how to be present and enjoy the moments while I’m in it instead of stressing over my what ifs. The reminders didn’t last long though. As October rolled by well, if you haven’t seen my last post that I’ll brief you. In the second week of October I got to a really low point where I eventually I had to revalute myself and step back. To be frank, I was a danger to myself and I did not and refused to affect my coworkers and let the kids see my decline. So, I had to make a choice, I quit.

I lasted 4-5 months before I mentally tapped out. Can’t say I was thrilled about suddenly being unemployed regardless of my reasons. It was just something I had to adjust to again and boy, oh boy it’s not easy. On top of having to battle my inner demons telling me that my life isn’t worth much I have rewire my whole personality into not believing them. Ever read the children’s book “Where The Wild Things Are”? It feels a lot like that, outlandish, joyful with so much suspicion. The irony of choosing this as a desciption is that I don’t remember what that book was about all I remember is the imagery and how unsettled it made me feel. That still stands. I’m writing this halfway into the first month of the new year of 2023 and unfortunately, I can’t say wether made much impovement. The holidays were a very rough time on me and I had nothing else but try to feel and focus on what was going on presently for my family. But, once the new year started I really felt the weight of the last two months and I had this overwhelming feeling that my time to move was now and If I don’t move the door will shut before I can even get my foot out. I don’t want that to happen, when I step out I want it to be a clean slate and all I have left is my revived childhood dreams and imagination; no limitations, no hesitations just a stupidly annoying over confident kid not knowing what exhaustion is.

My journey starts here and will forever be a climb and hurtle up, that’s just life. The beauty of humanity is that we’re forever evolving, always learning and making mistakes. We can’t have life without failure because perfection doesn’t exist; that’s what being around those kids taught me and that’s what I want my journey to embody. I know that fighting against myself won’t be easy and it’ll possibly take me months or even years to accomplish but, what else is new? One thing I have learned within these 4 months is that I’m going to continue to struggle and fight to be a better person. That’s what it means to grow, to struggle is strength not weakness. It shouldn’t be constantly correlated with negativity. I refuse to do that anymore so, I’ll take as long as it takes. This year is about me.