I' am Billie

My pronouns are she/they as I do identify as female most of the time but sometimes I'm a man and sometimes I'm a little bit of both. When I'm in my man headspace it can just because I'm feeling that way for that day of the week, it varies or it's when I'm under stress that I feel I can't handle as a woman. I've always had a kind of "boyish" mannerisms but that didn't fully come into play until I got into high school everything started around high school I'm sorry. My personality and sense of style were still rather conservative I guess, I dressed "preppy" even though I was more a fan of men's fashion and punk style clothing I just thought I couldn't pull it off so I never tried to change up what I was used to. Mind you this was high school so even though I dressed preppy I experimented with clothes just not the way I wanted to.

I tried skater but to be honest I might have missed the mark with that look. The farthest I ever got to doing "punk" was wearing a button-down with a blazer and combat boots but clothing was only the start of my metamorphosis if you will. I wanted to be more than what I represented to others I wanted to be seen but didn't know another way besides fashion because I just wasn't comfortable enough to turn it into words. If I'm being honest this era was a blur to me, it spilled out in very little increments and only with one person and honestly, he was a poor example of the kind of man I wanted to replicate at that time, If you ever read this I love you but I'm sorry you were a very complicated person. He was confident, suave, kind-hearted a bit of an ass. how cliche right? That's what I wanted to be and you can imagine how well that went I wasn't any of those except for being an ass, to select people but an ass nonetheless I was too shy to be suave and too awkward to be confident but I wanted to be.

But, obviously, there was a lot more to me just wanting to replicate a man's confidence. I often felt like a man, and out of all the things that I've struggled with growing up accepting that was probably the easiest. However, the emotions did take a toll on me some days. I'd experience dysphoria with my breasts, I've felt this before this realization but it was more tolerable at that time; I'd always complain how I hated my breasts a lot during the summer but it's really all year round. Sadly, no one can help genetics and on both sides of the family, the women are well endowed which means I was as well. I would say I wanted them cut off through top surgery, reducing the size, etc all the cosmetic surgeries that I will never have the money for until one day I just settled for a chest binder. I've yet to wear one fully outside because of how much I sweat and now I need a new one because I went up a chest size the past year and I want to be able to wear one confidently one day.

I tend to be in and out of my man headspace a lot these days and honestly it's been really refreshing to be myself without restrictions with or without the binder. I honestly don't feel I really explained my genderfluidity all that well, either way, I do know this. I never let gender define me, I never confined myself to just one way of being whether I'm Julia or Billie I'm always myself I have grown into whom I've wanted to be. Strong, confident, sassy and snarky, and occasionally even more dirty-minded than my male friends and just as flirtatious. Sorry, not sorry and it all honestly that was always who I was I just finally let them out!