Queendom

I think of you, when the sun goes down and the earth is dark, when I’ve had my shower, and I’m tucking myself in like a baby. I think of you, when my head is almost silent, and my chest feels numb. I think of you, and I laugh because I would have been married for about a year now. I would have been married to a man who sold drugs, got addicted to drugs, a man who cheated and lied to me on a loop for 3 months. Yeah. I think of you, when the air conditioning is too cold, and the sounds of the house breathing almost sound like the past playing scenes in the walls.

I think of you, and I think of laughter and car rides, a girlfriend who couldn’t drive, and a boyfriend who couldn’t use his brain. I think of you, and i remember the way your arm would twitch, especially whenever you were nervous. I think of you and I think of prom night, when all of the guys and girls told me that I was the most beautiful girl in the world, and I turned to look at your smiling face because you felt the same way. I think of you, and I think of protests and political views, blasting the 1975 at all hours of the night.

I think of you, and I think of video games and Pubg squad matches. I think of you, and I think of panic attacks and shattered glass. I think of you, and I think of bloody knives, and a good girl who played nurse when her psychotic boyfriend was angry. I think of you, and I think of a man who didn’t even trust me to leave the house alone. I think of you, and I think of a man who told me what to wear. I think of you, and fuck. I think of a revolution. I think of you, and I think of cuddles and sleepovers, I think of trust, and I think of feeling safe.

I think of you, and I think of a man who cried whenever I was sad. I think of you, and I think of all the pretty things you sold me. I think of you and I think about how quickly I let life pass me by because you weren’t ever where I was so I just stepped on the breaks. I think of you, and I think of betrayal. I think of you, and the world is suddenly a different place. I think of you, and I’m not a senior straight out of high school waiting for her fiancé to pick her up from school anymore. I think of you, and I think of the day I walked away and nothing will ever feel so goodamn beautiful again.

I think of you, and I think of how I’d tell you that I could wear whatever I wanted and you could either fuck off or respect me. I think of you, and I think of how many times I asked if you cheated. I think of you, and I think of how all your friends chased me around the city like dogs whenever you were gone, everyone trying so hard to make me their next fuck. I think of you, and I think of the way you screamed and cried, the way you played victim whenever I was right. I think of you, and I think about how incredible it felt to take back my power.

I think of you, and I think good fucking bye. But for good this time, not like an argument where I needed space, but like I packed my shit and you’ll never see me again. I think of you, and sometimes I cry, but mostly I just feel so proud of myself because I could be with you or I could be with myself. I think of you, and I think of how naive I was, and how much I’ve grown in such a short amount of time. I think of you, and I think that it’s time to release you.

Goodbye Josh. I know you regret what you’ve done to me everyday. And I don’t mind. But I will release you so that you can never hurt me again, not even when I hear our laughter echoes through the walls. Because you don’t get that power, not anymore. You don’t get any of me. Not even the what-could’ve-beens. You get to forget because I forgive myself and now I will forget you. But thank you, for the patience, thank you for the times you held me close, thank you for the times you looked into my eyes and told me how much you loved me.

Thank you. But you served your purpose, and I learned my lessons. I’m a big girl now so stop holding onto me. I can take the wheel myself.