If I Knew You Were Being Groomed By Your Sister

senior year of high school I asked you out twice, and both times you denied me. we’d been friends for a while, and you were the one I talked to when I was in pain. when my depression drowned me underneath endless waters. and I did the same for you, I told you that I would be there because I meant it.

despite the fact that you didn’t want to be my boyfriend, our friendship never changed. we didn’t get any less close, and though we both had feelings for one another, we knew how to keep things platonic because we both shared the same friends and you didn’t want to lose any of them. you had only dated girls online and you weren’t ready for something physical. I understood.

so I moved on. I found a guy who made me laugh, and I feel in love. I got engaged and moved away for about two years, but I came back because I was unengaged now. you worked at our favorite grocery store and you caught a glimpse of me and everything sorta rushed back to me as if it was senior year of high school again.

we started talking on social media again, then I gave you my number. it was pretty great, having a man who I trusted back in my life, someone who was my best friend. I missed you and now I had the chance to be yours. but I should’ve known. we hung out in person and all you wanted to do was stick your dick inside of me.

and the strangest part was that it looked as though you had PTSD. you couldn’t get hard, your body was shaking, and you looked terrified. I kept asking if you wanted to stop but you just kept pulling my body closer and saying that you wanted to keep trying. and I was just uncomfortable.

afterwards I asked you to be my boyfriend, mostly because you felt like you let me down and I wanted you to understand that I didn’t care about sex. I cared about you. you said yes and then we went on this crazy two month roller coaster where you would gaslight me and I would cry every night.

whenever we had sex you need looked at my face, you were always thinking of something else, someone else. and whenever you caught a glimpse of my eyes you looked completely guilty. I didn’t think that you were raping me because I loved you. I didn’t think that you were raping me because you were my best friend.

but you were. you were using my body bower you pleased, and I was shaking and uncomfortable but I could never understand why. I didn’t know that you were cheating on me the entire time. one day I asked you and you got all defensive, but who wouldn’t be angry if they were accused of cheating?

then one day I saw it. the way you held your sisters children as if they were your own. the way you looked at her as if you loved her. the way you would drop everything to see her whenever she would come down to visit. was she manipulating you? had she been doing this to you since you were a child? she was older and one of her kids were like, idk, 5. you used to talk about the child a lot, and say that she’d take after you.

but I didn’t realize until we were over. until you bought the matching shirts with the older baby, when you always sat her on your lap. then it hit me; the last fight we ever had replayed in my head. when you told me that you only wanted two children? now I cringe because your sister has two children.