Praise You For Hanging Out The Washing? No, Men, No.
And all the other things not to expect from the women you date.
Let's not pretend we don't have expectations in relationships. Everyone has things they expect from a partner.
For me, it's honesty, loyalty, and respect. Vague concepts in theory, I acknowledge. But I don't think I'm asking for anything I couldn't provide.
Nor am I asking for something that comes with a high-paying job or rich parents. They're the basics of life.
Yet, I've been with men who seem to think the expectations of a woman are far greater than basic human values. They've expected me to be something I'm not, take on a role I didn't sign up for, or thank them for being nice to me.
These are expectations I can't get on board with. For a lot of females, they agree too.
And the worst part for you men?
These expectations set you up for massive failure with women. Because they won't come true, and they will turn loving females against you.
Here are the things not to expect from a woman you're dating.
No, we're not making your food
Don't expect three square meals on the table cooked by your woman.
There are four types of women in this world. They are:
- Those who love to cook, find pleasure in cooking, want to get better at cooking, obsess over cooking, and harbour equal obsession over becoming a better cook.
- Those who don't hate cooking but understand the necessity to feed themselves. Or any dependents.
- Those who hate cooking with a passion, for varying reasons, avoid it as much as possible.
- Those who use cooking as a love language. They show people they care through cooking.
I would say this breakdown of cooking into four categories applies to men, too. You can identify with one category on this list, surely?
Let's take a look at these categories.
In the cases of categories 2 and 3, those women only just survive the cooking experience for themselves.
As they struggle to find joy and passion in keeping themselves fed:
- Why would they want to add extra mouths to this?
- Why would they want that pressure?
- Why do they need that expectation put upon them why they don't enjoy it too?
And if we're being real, when someone doesn't enjoy cooking, they aren't generally the best cooks.
- Why would you want your meal cooked by someone who isn't good?
- Why do you put the responsibility for your culinary enjoyment on someone else? The minute you relinquish control of your own pleasure, you're bound for disappointment.
In the cases of categories 1 and 4, just because someone like cooking and uses it as a love language doesn't mean they should do it.
Or that they want to cook for you all the time.
Like you, we have other things in our life that take priority. If you want to eat, feed yourself.
You're a grown-up, right?
No, we're not shopping for your mother
Don't expect us to become your personal shopper for the other woman in your life. Or your family or mutual friends.
Not all women like shopping.
I know this is a cliche, but it's not a hard and fast rule. The things you hate about shopping ring true for us; sore feet, long lines, no stock, too many options, and not enough time.
And when a woman says they like shopping, it doesn't mean gift shopping. Christmas shopping is one of the worst forms of what can usually be a pleasurable activity.
Guessing what people want, and would like, gives any woman a headache.
And the agony of getting it wrong? The responsibility on the gift picker's shoulders isn't always fair.
We have mothers to buy for, too.
We already have our plate full of buying presents for everyone else in our life. Depending on the volume of our loved ones, we have a hard enough time remembering and buying all the presents for people we're obligated to buy for.
Taking on someone else's present load is something we can't manage.
Shouldn't you know your mother best? Unless the woman in your life knows your mother better than you, aren't you the best person to buy something for them?
Why are we your personal shopper all of a sudden? Before us, you bought your own presents. Expecting this to change when someone who "likes to shop" comes into your life is feeding into the cliches about women.
And it's also horribly lazy on your part.
Again, you're a grown-up. Buy your own presents.
No, we're not giving up our male friends for you
Don't expect us to change who we're friends with because we date you.
Men and women can be friends. I feel like it doesn't need saying in this day and age, yet there is still a portion of society that believes men and women can't be friends.
If watching tv soaps are anything to go by, you would believe this too. Yet, you understand how attraction works in real life.
You can want to have someone in your life without wanting to sleep with them, date them, or everything in between.
If you believe we can't be friends with men, that's your issue.
- You might have had bad experiences with being "just friends" with women in the past.
- Your friendships have always turned romantic, or soured because of unrequited attraction.
- In some cases, you've dated someone who flew too close to the male friendship line and that left you feeling uncomfortable.
I get it. But your trauma, so to speak, is not the rule. And you can't assume every female friendship will have these negative consequences.
Male friendships are important for women. It's not that we want male friends to flirt with, nothing like that.
For many women, male friends help round out our emotional maturity. It helps us see the world from another point of view. It also provides us with a type of company that we can't always get from other people.
And this idea of all-female friendships is toxic for women. For you, too.
In my experience of being in a female-only group of friends, things can turn nasty. That's where bitchiness grows, backstabbing seems encouraged, and gossip is rife.
We don't intend for it to happen, but it can happen.
No, we're not praising you for adulting
Don't expect us to pat you on the back for doing things you should do in life.
- There are no gold stars for doing the cleaning.
- You're not a child, you don't have a chore roster incentivised by shiny rewards.
- You're not five anymore, and we're not a parental figure coaching you in life.
- You're our partner and we're meant to share this life together.
It's unrealistic to think doing the basics of adulting should come with praise. It's not how the rest of the world works. Your boss doesn't give you a raise for doing the basics of your job.
Sometimes they don't even acknowledge when you've gone above and beyond. That's the nature of work and careers and earning money.
Women don't expect praise, nor do these things for praise. So why should it be different for you?
We don't clean, make the bed, or wash the clothes for someone to thank us. We do those things because we need a clean home, a made bed, and clean clothes to wear.
We do them to live.
No, we're not going to wear makeup every day
Don't expect for us to look like we're going to a movie premiere every single minute of every single day.
Do you know how much time it takes to maintain such a look?
If you expect a woman you're dating to look glammed up all the time, you will spend most of your time waiting for her. Though you might feel like you already do, being made up comes with:
- Application time
- Maintenance time
- Shopping time for more supplies
- Reapplication time when the original glam loses its luster
It's a time-taxing hobby.
Do you know much money it takes to maintain such a look? Make-up isn't getting any cheaper.
Sure, we can go the pharmacy/drug store and buy cheap makeup, but let's be real here.
You still need a lot of it if you want us to wear it all the time. And if you're someone who doesn't want to spend that type of money on yourself, it's not fair to harbour that same expectation for a woman you're dating.
Do you realise how impractical full glam is 24/7?
I don't wear makeup every day. I don't wear it when I'm exercising because it clogs my pores and sweats off, which defeats the purpose of it.
I don't wear it when I'm in bed, because again, it clogs the pores, and destroys the bed linen. And you won't find me wearing it when I'm working in my home office.
I can spend more time on my business by saving the makeup application time.
Do you appreciate we have other priorities than our looks? How we look every single second of the day doesn't trump important things, like making money. Or caring for our health, looking after dependents, and keeping a roof over our heads.
And if you only want to be with us because we look "perfect" every minute of the day, it's pretty shallow of you.
No, we're not going to thank you for giving us head
Don't expect a medal for giving us an orgasm, giving oral pleasure, or both.
You shouldn't give head for praise. Though I appreciate it's nice to receive a thank you after someone has been down on you, that shouldn't be your underlying motivation.
Every mature and sexually intelligent person understands oral sex is an important and integral part of a healthy and well-rounded sex life. It's just as crucial as penetration.
For some people, it can be more important than penetration, and more pleasurable, too. It's like cleaning the house; it's part of adulting.
You shouldn't engage in oral pleasure purely to get it in return, too. That's not how relationships work. If you believe relationships in all their forms are transactional, you set yourself up for another disappointment in life.
And whilst we're at it, oral pleasure doesn't give you a free pass to be a shitty partner.
You can't get away with cheating, neglect, or abuse because you give head.
It wouldn't work if we reversed the roles, right? You wouldn't excuse a female's bad behaviour because she got on her knees every once in a while, right?
What do you do about your expectations, men?
Let's get this part straight. Not all men expect these things in relationships. But I know from experience, all men have expectations of the women they date. Some are healthy expectations, some aren't.
Women, too. We will get into those expectations another day.
The best thing you can do for yourself, and your relationships, is to work out the healthy ones from the toxic ones. And, when you find those unhealthy expectations, throw them out the window.
It can be tough to work out, by the way. You might not mean to or realise it's happening. Some basic self-reflection doesn't hurt the cause, here.
But if you don't work this out, we're heading for the door. We, women, won't put up with partners who expect irrational things from us.
That's one expectation you can guarantee from us.
About the Creator
Ellen "Jelly" McRae
Writes about romanceships (romance + relationships) | Loves to talk about behind the scenes of being a solopreneur on The Frolics | Writes 1 Lovelock Drive | Discover everything I do and share here: www.ellenjellymcrae.com
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