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Page 1: It’s been three months since he disappeared without an explanation. I’m a 27-years-old man, but I still have the emotional stability of a 12-year-old girl who’s trying to get over a boy. It’s completely unjustified. I don't even know his full name. But I know he has thigh tattoos and he makes me feel safe. I’ve spent three months wanting to feel safe again, which is stupid because I’ve spent seven years getting used to having PTSD. The gas station TV told me to make a vision board. I went to an office store to print photos. While I was there, I found this little black notebook. I hope starting this journal will help me feel okay again. I’ll write again tomorrow.

Page 2: Effective journaling always seems impossible. But I’ve done lots of things that seem impossible. Since it’s only the second day, I’ll keep it simple. I had a flat tire. It was mentally exhausting. When Maddi had a flat, Hans and Lexi were there to help her. I’m trying to stay positive, but I’m tired of doing things alone.

Page 3: I felt emotionally weighed down again today. I played chess with Jordan and Jack. Jordan referred to me as his friend. Jack talked with me and gave me a hug. Noelle texted to check up on me I might go to the beach tomorrow. A better life is coming soon.

Page 4: Today was unexpected. I got a message from Austin this morning! I asked where he’s been, and he told me to come over. Nothing changed. He still made me feel safe. He was deployed unexpectedly, but he’s back now, and I’m happy. He promised me months ago that we’d have more time together. I guess I was right for trusting him. I see something special in him. I hope he asks me to come over again soon.

Page 8: Austin loved the present I got him on black Friday. It seemed to put him in a better mood. Tonight, we sat and watched the rain. It was honestly the best moment of my life. I still can’t believe he’s back.

Page 10: He told me I amaze him every day. I feel like I have purpose again.

Page 13: I helped Austin fix his truck today. He was so grateful that I was able to find a solution. He promised me that someday he’d give me a life where I won’t have to solve any problems.

Page 18: Just yesterday, Austin was telling me that I’m not allowed to help with the horses. But he hurt himself today and asked if I could clean the stalls and feed them. I’m not very good at it, but I’m so glad he trusts me. I feel like I won the greatest award in the world.

Page 21: It was a rough Christmas. I was alone. Austin was with family. I just want to see him. He says he’ll have more time with me when he’s done in the military.

Page 24: Something’s off. I’m still helping clean the stalls and everything. Austin is in a weird mood. His family is around a lot. I like helping with the ranch work, but I know there’s something he’s not telling me.

Page 25: He has cancer.

Page 26: It’s been a long day. I quit my job so I can do more work on the ranch. I’ll figure out a way to make money. I just want to do everything I can so Austin can rest.

Page 30: I did a lot of work for the horses today. Austin had family over so I didn’t get to see him. He thanked me though and told me that he knows how hard I’m working. He promised he’d make it up to me. I don’t care as long as he’s okay. Besides, I like working on the ranch.

Page 33: I told Austin how hard February is for me. I told him all about what happened to me 7 years ago. He responded very kindly. He told me he’d make sure next year would be easier for me.

Page 34: I’ve been a mess. Austin has been so supportive. I told him I feel bad because he has so much going on. He said “Luke! You take care of me, so I take care of you. That’s how it works!”

Page 37: Austin told me no one else in his life cares about him as much as I do. I still feel like I’m winning. He told me he was going to be okay. He said he’s excited about the future and it’s going to be awesome.

Page 40: I talked with Austin’s horses today. I think they’re worried about him. I am too.

Page 42: We’ve been fighting a lot. Just about little things. It’s been an emotional month for both of us. Things seem dark. I’ve been working so hard and I’m exhausted. I just want him to be okay.

Page 50: He wasn’t okay. He didn’t make it. I tried everything. It’s not fair! This was supposed to be the better future I’ve been hoping for. For a moment, a long fantastic moment, I felt like I had purpose. I felt safe. I was happy.

Page 52: I don’t think I’ll recover from this. I can’t breathe. What am I living for?

Page 55: I might go to the beach tomorrow. I miss him so much.

Page 56: Dear Luke,

I know you write in this journal all the time. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you the future you wanted. Thanks for being someone I could trust. You did everything you could for me, so I want to do everything I can for you. It’s not much, but my little house and the barn are all yours if you want them. I was saving up to expand the barn, so I’m trusting you with that money. There’s about $20,000. Do whatever you think is best. I know you’ll make me proud. You always have.

Austin

Page 340: It’s almost been a year since Austin passed. He promised he’d make this February easier for me. Working with the horses has helped me find peace. I’m a broken man, but I’m okay. I originally thought Austin and I would take a trip, or spend a bunch of time together this February. But it’s just me and the horses. I think he’d be glad to know the ranch is still running. I wish he were here to see it. I’m happy. I’m just tired of doing things alone.