Overcoming Jealousy

I never really considered myself to be the jealous "type" of person. I usually default to being happy for people in their success and see the good things that others have as a precursor to the gifts I will receive down the road.

Having said that, when jealousy does come up in my life it can be really destabilizing and very painful. Its one of those experiences that seems to have the capacity to really blindside me if I am not mindful and practicing gratitude for the things that I have. For example, if I have a love interest and I see her talking and laughing with someone else I can feel this hot, clenching ache of jealousy rear up in my guts seemingly out of nowhere: "What does he have that I don't have?! Doesn't she know how much I care about her?! How dare she laugh at his stupid jokes more than mine?!"

These are the types of thoughts that create those painful emotions that constitute jealousy, and the more I can catch them before they get out of control the easier it is to observe myself rather than get into old reactive patterns. Its easy to get wrapped up in the uncomfortable feeling tones of something like jealousy and not recognize the thoughts and beliefs that lie beneath those feelings. If I'm really caught off guard, I may find myself trying to control or manipulate the situation in order to try to force what I perceive to be a positive outcome.

For instance, I might try to interrupt the conversation and make a stupid joke of my own in order to "one up" the guy that I'm jealous of. The egoic tendency is to try to make the other person look bad in some way in order to make myself look better by comparison. Obviously this is a very painful thing to do and doesn't ultimately serve anyone. Its been important for me to cultivate a loving self-awareness to circumvent these types of thoughts, feelings and behaviours.

One practice that is very helpful is praying for the highest good of the people in my life, putting aside my own preferences. For example, if I am really interested in someone and I know that she doesn't reciprocate it makes sense to simply intend for her to find happiness with the person she is meant to be with rather than addictively clinging to her and hoping that she "comes around." The delusion of jealousy is the idea that other people having what they want and being happy somehow detracts from my own happiness and wellbeing. The core belief is that there is only so much love and goodness to go around, and I have to get mine while the getting's good. Of course, the real solution is to cultivate love and goodness in myself and share it with others, which naturally attracts more of the same to me.

In terms of relationships the jealousy trap gives rise to the idea that there are only so many eligible women that I can be with, and therefore I have to compete with other guys for fear of missing out. A much more loving and helpful perspective is to realize that we are all meant to be with the right person at the right time and it is simply a matter of loving and healing myself and being open for that person to show up when the time is right. Jealousy is a major obstacle in allowing that to happen since it keeps the focus outside myself and on a sense of lack rather than on gratitude.

When I see happy couples walking around I do my best to wish them well and be happy for them, knowing that my time is likely just around the corner. In the past I could fall into an envious rage as they smiled and laughed together while holding hands. It has taken me a lot of self-reflection to replace those mental habits with positive ones, but it has been well worth the effort.

The same is true for other domains of human experience, financial abundance being an obvious one. I was withdrawing cash from a bank machine one day and saw someone's receipt with a balance that was significantly larger than mine. "Why does he deserve so much money? I'll never have that much..." What I do nowadays is mentally thank the Divine for blessing me with the abundance that I already do have, and know that in time I will attract more of it as I take the right action steps.

I've realized that the justification for hanging onto jealousy and negative emotions in general is the underlying belief that if I throw enough negativity at something it will somehow manifest a positive outcome. "Maybe if I'm jealous enough God will take pity on me and bring me a loving relationship and financial abundance." It's like putting myself into the mindset of a beggar and a victim, waiting for life to take pity on me and throw a few crumbs my way. Of course, if I stay in this kind of mindset even when I do receive good things I won't even have the capacity to appreciate them.

The underlying reality behind all of this is to realize that we are fundamentally all part of the same shared unity consciousness. If I am grateful and bless someone's success and happiness, I am simultaneously generating the same for myself and all others. If I intend anything negative for someone else it is myself who suffers first. I had a good intellectual understanding of this principle for most of my life, but it has been only recently that I've been willing and able to practice and embody it on a more consistent basis.

I've noticed a marked decrease in suffering the more I do this type of work and it makes me feel a lot closer to my fellow human beings. The thick veil of comparative thinking can completely obscure our divinity from ourselves and one another. Love and gratitude are keys to begin deconstructing the causes for jealousy and all other forms of negativity as we move into a more loving and harmonious paradigm where love and abundance is freely available for all. <3