Open Letter to Brene Brown

Dear Brené,

Thank you for taking a moment to read my letter. As I am reading page 232 of Rising Strong, I felt this immense feeling to write you. I have been wanting to write you for a long while, since I started reading your work. The shame gremlin kept me at bay, "why would she even read my letter?" But I also realized I wanted to be heard, to connect, and the uncertainty of results is something I have been working on (being imperfect.) So today, I decided to take a chance, and share with you my journey to dare greatly, to discover my gifts of imperfections, and to rise strong.

About 1 year and half ago, I stumbled upon Daring Greatly. The book sat casually at my shared work space, and I thought the name was catchy, most of all, "dare greatly" was a concept that I had been proud of myself for. Ultimately, I discovered vulnerability, shame, and imperfection: 3 things that I would never have used to describe myself. The reason I have dared greatly, is because of my guts to pack up my bags at the age of 19, moved all the way from Taiwan to the States where I barely spoke the language, since then, I have moved around the states (to unknown cities) and progressed in my career as a hotelier. Moreover, I have dared greatly to love, to fall, to get back up, and enjoy the relentless thrill of life.

When I was reading Daring Greatly, I was also falling hard. I may have a little resentment of: you are telling me to put myself out there, I did, I have. But why do I still feel like shit?

So you can see something did not sit well with me since reading Daring Greatly. Soon after, while discovering gifts of imperfections, I realized a lot of beliefs I have practiced through my whole life, was a waste. "Give it all, you're strong, you're independent, don't cry." I believed something was wrong with me. Attempting to get out under the rock, I sought after something I had never thought to have before: Therapy. But again, I was in the mind set of “something is wrong with me” – so the beginning of these sessions made me feel good, but I did not think it produced any results (first 6 months or so.) The main reason why I went to therapy is that while I seemed to do so well in my career, with the people I led and coached, I was not doing well in relationships. I have fear, anxiety (waiting for the other shoe to drop, I am not enough) towards intimate relationships.

But the two, career life and personal life, intertwined with each other. I have wanted to be perfect at work, I failed to set any boundaries to live my life. And with working so fearlessly and restlessly, I did not have the time to sit with the idea of how to form a meaningful, connected, and wholehearted intimate relationship. I thought I did, but like any other anxious type lover, I tend to overthink, overshare, overdo; and without properly working through my emotions, I blew up. I acted upon the fear of losing something, and lost sight to even see if this is the right person for me. Deep down, I wanted worthiness and I felt worthless.

Last year when I hit 36 in December, 2019, I thought I was never getting up. The world was so dark, and I was not able to shine a light. I was not even trying. I just sat through my emptiness and unworthiness each night. I had missed a couple for my therapy sessions at this point because I thought there is no point of going back.

All in the meantime I put down Daring Greatly and started The Gifts. In addition, the pandemic hit, and world was going down in flame. Somehow something just happened. The pandemic did not bring me down further, it actually reminded me to get back up and heal; because I wanted to see the world (the people around me) healed and not suffer: that, is MY PURPOSE. "That is why life turned out the way it is, because now I have a purpose to share my growth." I used the free time to read, to progress in something I really am passionate about, such as personal training, and what in the odds, mental wellness. I went back to therapy, and this time, I truly listen, and work though my boundary setting, my pushed down emotions, and my identity identifying.

When I was growing up in Taiwan, I love writing. I would write songs, and have won composition awards. I was very much my own person, I would not wear the same trends that everybody does, I would play sports with boys (totally no-no in our culture,) and I was truly fearless and carefree. But that was not acceptable in my family. Judged and blamed; my parents judged and blamed me because they felt shame for who I am. I was the odd duck that my uncle would not let my cousin hang with. My family is not big on emotions (like any other Asian families, I suppose) and I was always doing something wrong even if it was simply picking out my favorite color to wear. Maybe it was then I started to bear a lot of shame, that I was not good enough. I fought back, big time. This may have resulted in my "when someone hurts me, I hurt them back" conditioned behavior because I wanted to feel wanted. The only attention I was getting from my family, was to tell me what I should do better with my life.

With not being able to fit in (also I am just a free spirit at heart) I think that was the real reason behind moving across the globe, and hustled for my career. I used to think it took guts, and I am very brave to do this on my own. Now I think back, I see a little girl scared, wanting attention, wanting forgiveness, and wanting to prove that I am worth it, I was hustling for my worthiness. This hit me like a ton of bricks.

That is when the real work begins. I spend more time looking inward than ever; I spend more time writing, reading, learning. The truth of my old emotional habits bared a lot of pain. By working through that, and still working on that, I discover so much about myself, and humanity at a deeper level. I found so much love.

Many many times I wanted to share my stories to the world, and I thought who the F am I that people would want to listen. But your books, Brené, they give me inspirations, they give me hope. My childhood did ground me for who I am, but it does not mean that it is what I always will be. “Do you think everyone is doing the best they can?” had me cry all night, and I called my parents to just share my feelings (they were in shock, angry, then they actually became warm, and understanding.) It had me calling a past lover to let him know that I know we were both doing the best we could. It had me looking at my job and thinking about those people who “wronged” me. I felt compassionate, more than ever. Forgiveness, like you said in the book, is a step further to wholeheartedness.

I put forth to start writing about six months ago, but it is not until a couple days ago, I finally am able to truly put myself out there for a second article. All in the while reading Rising Strong. This is my rumble.

Brené, thank you for your hard work, dedication, and the heartfelt stories that made a better world for us to live in. Thank you for inspiring me to look inward, and to cultivate true connection with those around me.

Thank you 😊

Yu-Shan Chen

From Taiwan, with courage, vulnerability, and love.